By December 2, 2010 Read More →

10 Ways to Get Over Your Breakup More Easily

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“The loss of love is not nearly as painful as our resistance to accepting it is.” — Tigress Luv

Editor’s note: This is a guest post by Farouk Radwan.  Farouk authors the site, 2KnowMyself.com, and his super skill is focusing on self-awareness and dealing with negative emotions.  Here is Farouk on getting over a broken heart …

Broken hearted? … Don’t worry, here are 10 ways to get back on your feet again:

  1. Kill uncertainty — People usually accept death faster than they accept breakups because they know the deceased isn’t coming back. In short, uncertainty prolongs the pain, and what hurts the most is the uncertainty, not the breakup itself.
  2. Stay away from negative media — Most people do the same mistake right after breaking up which is listening to music that contains negative suggestions such as “I cant live without him” or “my life is unbearable after her”. These messages program the mind, and prevent a quick recovery.
  3. Don’t keep yourself busy –  Everyone tries to keep themselves busy after a breakup, but research has shown that thoughts that are suppressed become stronger, and then return back.  Focus on accepting what happened, not on suppressing it.
  4. Stop bargaining – Don’t hold your phone and wait for the person to call.  Don’t go to the same places you used to go to together in order to bump into them by chance but instead tell yourself that this is over.
  5. Know that there are other potential partners out there – This one concept is a myth.  According to psychology, whenever we find a person who meets the criteria stored in our brain, then we will fall in love with them.
  6. Restore your social life — Lots of people do the mistake of isolating themselves from friends and relatives when they get into a relationship  That makes them 100% dependent on their partner and that’s one of the main reasons they suffer more when they breakup.
  7. Take your time to express your emotions – Don’t suppress your emotions.  Even cry if you feel like it. You have to express your emotions because the burden of suppressing them might add to your negative feelings.
  8. Stop stalking your ex –  Whether its visiting their face book profile or asking about them, these actions will result in giving your mind some more false hope and that would prevent recovery.
  9. Build self confidence – Sometimes the main reason people feel bad after a breakup is because they feel rejected, not that they really miss that person.  Building self confidence would help you feel worthy even if you were rejected.
  10. Don’t use relationships to escape pain — Were you using the relationship as a way to escape from pain? Some people get into relationships just to escape from the pain they are experiencing in their lives. Be brave, face your life problems and learn how to be in control of your emotions that would help you from becoming dependent on a relationship. Relationship dependency is similar to drugs where people take them in order to escape from pain rather than facing their problems.

What works for you? … What do you know now that you wish you knew then that would have made dealing with break ups, a whole lot better?

21 Comments on "10 Ways to Get Over Your Breakup More Easily"

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  1. Hoping I don’t find myself in this situation, and don’t expect to. (I better not!) Jim? :) But if I did these would be invaluable.

    Number three makes a lot of sense. Sometimes human do tend to stuff feelings when bad things happen instead of letting them run their course.

    xo

  2. Self confidence was always the key for me. That meant getting back out there and meeting new people. There is a short adjustment period, but after a few days I encouraged myself to get back out and it was the best way to build up my confidence. Action is the only thing that can build confidence.

  3. Hey Farouk & JD,

    I find your 3rd point interesting. We are usually taught to distract ourselves after something bad has happened. I think this can work too sometimes, but it definitely doesn’t work if it’s a way to repress our emotions. Repression never works, management does.

  4. Farouk says:

    @ jannie
    Thanks for your comment dear :)
    @Karl
    you are right about that Karl, confidence do help a lot in getting over someone, thank u:)
    @Eduard
    thank you my friend for your addition :)

  5. Chayla says:

    This s helps a little but my situation is a bt diferent. See, my boyfriend broke up with me for his ex and on the same day asked her out again. I don’t know what to do when the weekend comes, I won’t have my friends for support anymore untill Tuesday any advice??

  6. Nick says:

    Spot on article Farouk. The only thing I could add is what really helped me, getting more exercise. Seriously, when you’re down in the dumps there’s nothing like a good workout to get your endorphins and good emotions flowing.

  7. vic says:

    I think mine is worse because I used a relationship to escape the pain, I have been stalking my ex, I lkie emotional songs and am scared I will not find a better person, and this has been going on for three years now. I wish I knew all these, I would have had a closure by now.

  8. Quincy says:

    This is great advice. unfortunately for the one who is in the midst of a post-breakup it’s not easy. When there are children involved it’s even harder. And, when you cannot get to certainty that it is in fact over it is nearly impossible.

    Right or wrong in relationships we tend to invest parts of ourselves in the other and we take into ourselves parts of them.

    It’s been over 3 years and I have not regained the parts of me I have lost, nor have I been able to remove the parts of her that I value so much inside of me.

    My wife is diagnosed with trauma related mental/emotional impairments and has left me and our children. She is not getting treatment and will not likely return. She was a great mother and wife. I believe she wishes she could be again but does not see is as at all possible. She is rarely in contact with us and has begun to live a productive, secluded life. She has a job, an appartment and freinds that help her battle with regrets, guilt and the impairments of her mental/emotional state. She does not feel “entitled” to mine or her children’s love, support, or attention.

    She is still my life.

  9. Jones says:

    My ex has left me with our 3 kids while I was at work, and they have gone abroad. I have not heard of them for prety much 2 months, It is painful because I feel rejected. But somehow I feel good now because she never loved me and her family didn’t like me at all. I am struggling to rebuild my life now which is really very difficult, because of the fear. I am working hard on my self confindence

  10. tshepi says:

    um grateful 4 this, i now realize more pain is caused by rejection not breakup itself.bin doing this uncounciously n i must say they are the best steps to heal…its still hurtin but slowly getting there

  11. Only Me says:

    I broke up only a weel ago and yes it seems like the end of the world. When your world is collapsing right infront of your eyes, you lose the ability to think and when all the dust settles down, we start thinking about how to restart. I am not yet over the shock but I am making a list of priorities in my life. He kept me waiting for 3 years and left me saying that we are not meant to be……I am sane enough to try and get over it but I am hurt very deeply. I don’t have to hate him but I hope one day he will value what he has lost.
    Reading above posts, your pain is a lot bigger than mine so it wil help me recover a lot sooner.
    Thanks.

  12. Breezee says:

    I agree with number 9. I spend a LOT of time at the gym. I always feel better after a dance class or Zumba class. Regularly scheduled Weight lifting helps, too, to get stress out of your body. I get such joy out of working out. It reminds me that life is meant to be enjoyed. I’m sad (and sometimes depressed) that my boyfried does not want to go thru life’s journey with me any more, after 6 years. But I try to do other things that are interesting to me and keep me busy. I DO believe in staying busy. ‘Disagree with #3.

  13. vpvalley says:

    right now im in the middle of trying too keep my relationship together my partner is talking too someone else an has expressed being in love with me but say wishes she was single so she can date this person. What does a person do

  14. Tracey says:

    After my break up I struggled to focus or concentrate on anything. The TV was full of people making up or breaking up and songs were even worse. What saved me was card games on my ipad. Never really was a big game player but I found that with the card games nothing reminded me of him and I only had to focus for a few minutes at a time. You tube was quite fun as again I could watch stuff that kept me focused for a few minutes at a time. Just look up random things that you always meant to look up. NLP, how to apply my eyeshadow. Even watching what you should and shouldn’t do after a break up really really helped.

    Absolute number one rule, no contact. I know thats not always possible but try to cut the ties, give him his stuff back. If you need to communicate answer short and formally. It will make you feel more in control and it will do their head in because they will be thinking how did she get over me so quickly, maybe I made a mistake, perhaps she didn’t love me etc.

    Oh and the other thing I did was go on broken hearts forums because I realised that others were feeling the exact pain as me, some after being with the partner for years and having kids. My heart just went out to them and I found myself writing back and telling them it will be OK and time will heal etc, which in turn help me.

    Everyone always says go out and socialize it might be the right thing to do but I wouldn’t have any friends left after being a miserable cow for a few months.

    Make a list of things you want to do in the future that don’t include them, do positive affirmations. But I also agree when it’s time to cry let it out for as loud and as long as you can. I tend to do it in the morning then its easier to get on with the day

    • Lea says:

      Tracey, your comment has been really helpful. Thanks. I’m currently on Day #4 post break-up and it’s really been hard. I thought it would be easier but it hasn’t. Especially since my ex-fiance & I have spoken via text & Facebook after the breakup. This relationship has taught me some valuable life lessons, but at the same time I feel “fooled.” During our engagement, I felt sadder than when we were just dating. I tried and tried, but to no avail. I recommended couples counseling. It just wasn’t meant to be. He said at the minimum, he thought we could be friends. He’s a good person, but I don’t know if being “just friends” is healthy when my feelings (and hurt) are still there.

      • Damian says:

        Lea,

        I don’t know how it’s going currently, but I think you’ll find my post and yours share a lot in common. Obviously I don’t know your exact situation but if I was to guess, you’ve got your life in order and his is not doing too well. He breaks up with you because that’s easier than facing his own issues (which at the moment he doesn’t believe he has) You’ve been giving as much as you can and it seems to have the opposite effect of what you desire. If you really want him back, drop off the radar for a bit and it will make him wonder. My ex’s deseperation at the time reinforced my delusional image that I was the king and it became too late to fix after too long. Step back, let him come to you. If he believes you’re trying with someone else, watch for a complete meltdown. Although that may backfire as you become less attracted to him when he shows he’s needy. That being said, if he offers you what you want, don’t let your ego get in the way and say no. I will regret it for a lifetime.

        Good luck. If what I’ve said is true and he doesn’t understand what a catch you really are, I won’t make that mistake again.

        Damian

  15. raj says:

    thanks many many thanks.now i fell so comfortable.

  16. Kdw says:

    I was with my boyfriend 2yrs and 2 months, it’s been the hardest
    Relationship I have experienced. He drank to much and flirted with
    Other women while in front of me, hurtful and disrespectful. I can’t
    Imagine since he did that in front of me what was he doing when
    I wasn’t around. I moved out a few times thinking he would change
    That didnt work, it just put me in a financial hole.

    If it wasn’t about him nor his family or his friends or
    his boat it wasn’t good enough. He knew I had kids but they were
    Never included nor was I. That said alot, I realized more then ever,
    If someone wants to be with you and yours kids then that’s great if
    Not need to move on, I’ve been mentally abused and trying to heal!

  17. Damian says:

    From my own mistakes…. Get to the gym, but don’t run from it. Go as soon as possible to a councillor so you can work through your own feelings and see if you were delusional. You may have, like me, broken up with the person for all the wrong reasons. Predominately that your low self esteem has made you attribute the negative qualities you see in yourself to the other person. You distract yourself like I did and you may not realise until too late, ie they find someone else, that you have ended something beautiful for nothing other than it was the only thing you felt you could control. Impulsivity in this case will lead to lifelong regret. Major depression takes a long time to get out of due to the quick adaptation of the brain to negative reinforcement and will cause all sorts of mistakes if you try at that point to re-establish something as your ego is trying to protect itself and it says the exact opposite of what you need to if you want your partner back.

    The true sign of a man is to stay with one woman his entire life. Don’t make the mistake of thinking there’s always something better out there. You will be bringing yourself again to the next one and it seems that no matter how painful the lesson, you will forget it at some point. If you’ve already broken up, find someone who has a successful relationship, be completely honest with your situation and accept your part in it. Then be decisive about what you want and if you’re sitting on the fence due to boredom, get her back at all cost. The reality is she is likely to have been showering you with her love so much that you have completely become selfish and taken her for granted. Try giving back for a month and see what happens.

    Don’t run to another woman’s arms! Just don’t. It perpetuates your fantasy that you’re a monster catch and stops you from dealing with the real issues. And once that seperation occurs, all of the wonderful attributes she afforded you will be wiped by new memories with some other guy and you’ll be wondering how you ever convinced yourself you were all that.

    I never wanted to become a cautionary tale. My parents were already. But I decided learning vicariously was not sufficient and will regret it fo the rest of my life. If this stops just one of you from being a grade A schmuck, I will consider it a useful exercise.

    Good Luck.

  18. Greenlee says:

    There are a few tactics that have really helped me through a tough unwanted break up. First, make out a list of all things you did not like about your ex when you were together. Like, they were lazy, inconsiderate at times, smelled weird, bad in bed, selfish or their family were mean. Things like that. Write it out on email. Go over it with your close friends and family and see if they have anything to add. Then read it when you are feeling like you miss them or wishing you were back together. There is a reason it didn’t work out, remind yourself. Give a copy to your friends and family so they can remind you when you call or see them and tell them you are feeling blue. Keep your close friends and family on speed dial. Talk it out with them, the list. Tell yourself, you deserve better because YOU DO! Another is, when you get to the angry phase, write an email as if you writing them. Go off! Tell them all the horrible things they are, vent! Warning, don’t ever send it! It’s just for your eyes only or close friends. It’s a good way to get it out. Then read it a few days later when you have calmed and you will see how right you are but how ridiculous anger makes you. Anyway, hope this helps you.