Really great, I use it a lot to persuade people.Works everytime.

I agree. Mirroring and matching are great techniques for building rapport and bridging communication gaps. I’m a fan of NLP.

You are underscoring the value of being cheerful and nimble in an argument. In some you may attempt to keep your emotions less exposed (irritation over the toothpaste not being there). I concur with the intent and believe it makes it a lot easier to defuse and resolve the issues and stay more resourceful.

Are we able to split the persuasion in an emotional and logical part? Do they interact / connect? And if yes how/ when?

Values: I’d wish for all of us that we as individuals and organizations understood and articulated our values. Considering that the wish may not be granted yet…., we might persuade people to expose them. It’s harder with organizations and for countries. It makes interesting that values may change over time, mostly at a glacial pace.

Rick, conceding doesn’t necessarily mean saying you were wrong. A mild form of concession might be, “Hm, I never thought about it that way before.”

Per, my manipulation of my kids definitely had a long-term goal, which was to teach my kids to be verbally nimble, and to remain cheerful in an argument. This is where the personal analogy doesn’t quite scale up to the institutional level; though, come to think of it, a cheerful institution isn’t so bad, either.

The pleasure/pain theory comes in big-time with both the ancient Greeks and Romans; even Cicero considered himself a Stoic. But they limit this aspect of rhetoric to pathos–the emotional tool of argument, which literally has to do with feelings. In a more logical argument, pleasure and pain aren’t as much of a factor.

Your “alignment of values,” on the other hand, is pure ethos–the character you project to your audience, and the most difficult tool of all.

A foundation for persuasion is to create rapport, which may be achieved by mirroring the person(s) use of verbal (”code words”, repeating what they say) and body language.

When you have established rapport, and you may check by exploring if you can get them to mirror your change of body language. Now you venture into the persuasion; and I’d suggest to be focused on what you want at the level of aspiration rather than the topic at hand. This is why switching to the future is so powerful, because the aspirations for all involved are a possibility and with an aim to respect values.

Short term, Jay wanting George to get the toothpaste seems reasonable. Then long term MAYBE Jay’s aspiration is to have George take an increasing level of responsibility for how their family works. Now, George getting the toothpaste is suddenly just one expression of being a contributing member of the family.

Many decisions are based on pain and/or pleasure. We often try to decrease the pain and increase the pleasure. One interpretation of the story is that, Jay imposes “pain” on George by blaming him; and then provides “pleasure” by letting George “win the argument”. Jay enjoys “pleasure” by having persuaded George to get the toothpaste.

I’d also suggest that you have a perspective of what you want to achieve, long term and short term in that order. This includes the topic at hand (like get the toothpaste) and also how you tune your image and influence the environment. How much do you want to invest in order to achieve something. What’s the smartest way of using your energy, time and money?

Now, in the context of the longer term you might reflect on if Jay did the right thing by manipulating George.

Then apply the same level of thinking for the other people and the system you are trying to influence – what’s in it for them? A system could be a family, a division in a company, or your church. What’s the analogies to pain and pleasure for systems?

Also consider the values and the level of alignment of values; and how you want to influence and operate in the environment. In a corporate system two important values for individuals are connection and conviction. In one culture worked in for two years maintaining good connection in larger meetings was seen as essential.

Stories help us make sense of life. We associate with and remember stories. They are a powerful tool for us to share, learn and influence. “Get the toothpaste George, please”…. easy to understand and illustrative.

Also consider how to combine these technique, PLAY with them, modify them and make them yours. Example: one colleague at the end of meetings summarizes different opinions and even though I’m unclear whether he promotes his own opinions, this person has over time created an image of being balanced and reflective.

Note: this response is inspired by NLP and “Getting to Yes”; and related to the NLP I encourage Jay’s approach of modeling the “best” and keep dreaming.