Thank you for this fabulous post. As I was reading it I kept saying, “that’s my favorite part” and then I would read the next one and say the same. It turned out, each point is so important to us and how we live our lives.

I really like the part (#8)about, “When you talk to someone like they are capable of better than they are behaving, they tend to rush to behave in a way that makes that projection true.”. That is so true at work and in life. If we make time and give others a chance, they rarely fail to prove us wrong.

I wanted to briefly reply to something Per wrote. “Maybe it’s time to consider a family vision.” It’s a great idea, one we used in my family in raising my daughter (now 32) and that dates back a long ways (family time, dinner time) where everyone gathers round the table and talks about vision and values.

I tried this approach: “If anything was possible to us as a family, what would we do?” followed by “Why that?” and then, “Ok, let’s say we did that. What else would we do?” The vision of our family was motivating, and the values we articulated (why that) allowed us to bring them into our daily relationships regardless of whether we could make the vision happen.

We didn’t do this consistently, but did it enough to realize real benefits from it.

So many great questions for families to dialog about. “How do we want to be with each other?” “How do we want to deal with this situation?” “What can we learn from this?” “What matters most to us in dealing with this?” Such open ended questions and the conversation that ensues can really bring a family together and create bonding and empowerment. Of course, if you wait until you have angry teens, you may have missed the moment!

In my speaking and training work, I tell my audience what I’m about to tell you. The universe isn’t arbitrary, and what works is what works. If it works at home, it has a business application. If it works at work, it has a personal application. YOu may need to be creative and flexible to find the application, but its there.

Best wishes,
Rick

It’s wise, practical and short. A gem!

The intention with my comment is to reflect and then learn.

Motivation to change is a starting point for me. Often, I see this, when people have had bad experiences. The process may start with a strong wish to avoid similar experiences in the future which later may develop into “what you want” (#3).

Then allow me to use my NLP experience and apply that lens to provide a perspective:

Stay positive is a theme of #1 (assume something useful), #2 (assume positive intent), #7 (perception) and #8 (project and expect the best), whether it’s your perception of others (#1 & #2) or their perception of you (#7).

Creating rapport is the focus for #4(meet people where they are), #5 (listen to go deep) and #9 (laughing).

Maintaining rapport is core for #8 (project and expect the best) and #10 (changes in stages). Use “carrots”.

I’ll finish with a couple of thoughts:

Think about relationship as something you invest in for life and keep the opportunity for dialog open; i.e. maintain rapport.

When you give or ask for feedback be specific what the ideal action, measure and reaction would be. Focus on a better future – together.

Explore and understand possible differences in values (like the golden rule), when you want to achieve something with another person. Then build that into how you interact with that person. Recognize you build stronger relationships with people you share core values with.

In work environments, it is great to have a shared vision and the resources that make room for everyone to grow and be the best they aspire to be. In one group, we had the vision to “change the world” (#8) and we did. Maybe it’s time to consider a family vision.

You can expand some of these ideas to a group instead of one person.

Thanks again to Dr.K and JD!

Interesting on #2. I’ve used a modified form of this for years, but it’s more along the lines of “actions that seem malevolent are usually done from ignorance”. That is, few people really want to hurt someone else or be ineffective, but they may not know any other way to be. I had to go through this process with my spouse when she would tear me down and namecall in arguments. She didn’t know any other way to be. But this is a little past business. And she’s had to deal with a few of my behaviors in the same manner.

I can see it’s about framing others motivations from the starting point of they are not “out to get you”.

Rob

Back in the School days, Interpersonal Relationship was my favorite topics. A lot of this brings back memory
I like Lesson# 9 the best.
Thanks for sharing.
Giovanna Garcia
Imperfect Action is better than No Aciton

And the name of his book ‘Dealing With People You Can’t Stand.’ Brilliant attention getter. But he delivers, what a winner! Like your blog.