State, mindset and assumptions definitely make a difference. If I get angry or irritated I interrupt the pattern and get curious. The curiosity helps me stay objective.

I like the point about relationships growing together or growing apart … nothing’s static.

@ Patricia

I like catch phrases — they help things stick.

Everybody has their hot buttons. It sounds like you know yours so that’s good. When you know your hot buttons, you can better manage your response. A little awareness goes a long way.

@ Alik

Jack’s got a wealth of insights.

The “I’m right, you’re wrong” never helps and there’s usually is a 3rd alternative if we look for it.

@ Positively Present

Anxiety is an interesting topic with lots of bits and pieces. I liked hitting it from the relationship perspective this round.

@ JB King

It sounds like an effective exercise, and I really like the idea of analyzing your mentors for crisis and stress scenarios. Everybody

@ Rob

Good point on avoiding group-think. That’s worth a post at some point.

I haven’t read Passionate Marriage but it sounds like it’s got some interesting insights.

I just wish I was better at it! Practice helps, but when someone is going after my core value or attacking me in a way that makes me feel too vulnerable all my good practice really goes out the door.

I seem to be having difficulty finding balance with financial issues right now – the betrayal of my core values produces much anxiety.

Liked this post

I find the challenge is to reflect, when you start to get irritated or angry. If you assume positive intentions, you may experience less anxiety and when it still happens, then try to understand first when you speak!

You can change yourself and that may be a catalyst for a change in a relationship, whether it is professional, with friends or your committed partner.

Rob referred to Passionate Marriage emphasizing the importance of self differentiation in committed relationships. The author emphasizes that serious conflicts (gridlocks) may enable the individual and relationship developing, as the high level of anxiety becomes a catalyst. The author claims that people have relationship with partners that are at approximate similar levels of developmental maturity. Which may mean that if you develop either your partner develops as well and so does the relationship or it withers.

Brings up a thought on connection and differetiation.

I think being connected enough to be influenced by choice yet disconnected enough to see when you are entering “group-think” is a key skill in life.

On a little tanget…
There’s actually a lot of talk about “differentiation” and in the book Passionate Marriage which talks about how couples think that becoming fused together as one is the purpose of marriage. After all, many of our vows even explicitly include this language. As if connection is the end all be all of marriage.

But this can lead to boredom, helplessness and a loss of one’s self. You become approval seeking, otherwise you risk losing your partner and the things you “need” from them. This creates a great deal of anxiety. The less you need from your mate, the better off you are. But it’s like getting Xmas presents. Appreciate and allow peopel to give, but if you don’t get it for XMas and you need it, you get it for yourself (taking into account what’s effective long term of course)

Just like in marriage, I do there there is a tension at work too. Many people handle it by saying “it’s just my job” so they don’t seek certain things from their job explicitly, even through they may actually be seeking those things below the surface anyway.

Rob

Re:Life may be of some interest for another way to view motivation.

Great post. I love the part about managing how we react in different contexts and how by having empathy for others and their beliefs, we can benefit for the good of all.

Instead of getting caught up in an “I’m right. You’re wrong” mentality what you’re suggesting shows how most situations can be a win-win for all who are involved. I like that.