Your power as a leader comes from being a good steward of their dreams.  Your ability to lead, and your perceived ability to lead, is directly related to your connection to those intangibles.  That’s why emotional intelligence and empathy are such a big deal when it comes to being an effective leader.  People have to trust that you have their best interest at heart, or all bets are off.

In the book, It’s Not About You, Bob Burg and John David Mann write about how the leader is a trustee of the intangibles.

You Become the Trustee of the Intangibles

As a leader, you take on the hopes, dreams, aspiration, and fears of the people you lead.  Burg and Mann write:
“As a leader, you become the container of others’ hopes.  When we say people put their trust in you, that is exactly what happens.  They place their hopes and dreams, trust and faith, even their fears, in your hands, because these things feel too fragile, too big, too important, too valuable to hold onto by themselves.  You become the trustee of their intangibles.”

You Hold Them Up

One of the key capabilities of a leader is to lift people up, when they can’t lift themselves.  Burg and Mann write:

“Like a good chair.  You hold them.  Believe in them when they forget how to believe in themselves.”

You are the Steward, Not the Deal

Always remember that the reason you are the leader, is because you are the steward of their dreams.  Burg and Mann write:

“But, you are not their dreams, you are only the steward of those dreams.  And leaders too often get it backwards and start thinking they not only hold the best of others but that they are that best.  They start thinking they are the deal.  And the moment you begin thinking that it’s all about you, that you’re the deal, is the moment you being losing your capacity to positively influence other’s lives.  In a word, to lead.”

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Photo by Hamed Saber.

“He that respects himself is safe from others. He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

If you want respect, first look to the source.  The source is you.  Like so many things, respect flows from the inside out., and self-respect is the strongest stream.  You get what you expect.  So first, you have to expect it from yourself.  So the question becomes, do you respect yourself the way you want to be respected?

In the book, It’s Not About You: A Little Story of What Matters Most In Business, by Bob Burg and John David Mann, the authors share the secret of respect … it comes from you, not from others.

Trust Yourself

Lead by example.  If you want people to trust you, first trust yourself.

“… I’m not talking about gaining their respect.  I’m talking about your respect.  You want those people to trust you?  Trust yourself.  Listen, humility doesn’t mean self-abasement, or devaluing your own worth.  You can only be genuinely humble if you have enormous self-respect.  That’s something I learned from Pindar, even though I never met him — because it shines through the people he associates with, the people I have met.”

Respect from Others is a Reflection, Not the Source

Don’t look to others to find your respect.  Respect yourself first.  Burg and Mann write:

“Self-respect is where every other kind of respect comes from.  Respect from others is a reflection, not the source.  It’s not like, ‘Oh, if my boss respected me, if my son respected me, if the world respected me, that would be great, …’ as if having respect from those other people would somehow generate your own respect for yourself.”

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Photo by J Anand.

“A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life.” — James Allen

We don’t get away unscathed.   As we make our way through life, life leaves its marks.  The marks we bear can make our lives deeper and more meaningful.  Or they can sour our view, and make us bitter and cold.  It’s all in how we respond.

The hurts, the scars, the wounds weave part of our story.

In the book, It’s Not About You, by Bob Burg and John David Mann, the authors share insight into how to use your pain to lead a richer life, and to avoid turning cold.

We are Not Unblemished

Life happens.  We get scraped along the way.  Life leaves a mark.  Burg and Mann write:

“‘It shows dear,’ she said gently.  ‘Life leaves a mark.  None of us passes through the experience of our days unblemished or pristine.  We all suffer tragedies and disappointments, struggles and failures.  Losses great and small, and every one of them hurts.  Life leaves a mark,’ she repeated.”

Embrace Who We Are

You can lead a richer life, or you can harden your heart and become jaded.  To lead a richer life, don’t deny your pain.  Instead, embrace it.  Burg and Mann write:

“‘We can try to cover it up, although if we do, we just tend to grow bitter on the inside.  Or we can embrace who we are — that is, who we are in the process of becoming.  Embrace the hurt and it deepens you, makes you a richer person.  Deny it, reject it, hold it at bay, fight it off, and it simply hardens you.  Either way, it engraves itself onto your soul.’”

Photo by MzPromise.

I always have a soft spot for words that capture the essence of the unsung heroes, the little fighters, and the peaceful warriors of the world.

These are the people who fight the good fight.  They don’t do it for recognition, fame, or glory.  They do it because it’s who they are, and they fight for what they believe in.  They stand strong when tested..

This is just such a passage.  It’s from the book, Swan Peak , by James Lee Burke.  It goes like this  …

“But if there’s a greater lesson in what occurred inside a clearing, it’s probably the simple fact that the real gladiators of the world are so humble in their origins, and unremarkable in appearance, that when we stand next to them in a grocery store line we never guess how brightly their souls can burn in the dark, or at least that’s the way it seems to me.”

Stand strong.

Photo by familymwr.

“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.” — Herm Albright

The little wins each day keep you going and add up over time.  The same is true of setbacks.

When things are on a roll, and you are making more progress than dealing with setbacks, you are in a virtuous cycle – a positive loop.  When you’re spending more time dealing with setbacks and not making as much progress, you are in a negative loop.  The key is to watch for and deal with the setbacks that can take you down a vicious cycle.   While you can’t avoid all the setbacks, you can respond more effectively, especially if you watch for them and nip them in the bud.

In the book, The Progress Principle: Using Small Wins to Ignite Joy, Engagement, and Creativity at Work , by Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer, the authors show us how to keep virtuous cycles going and abort vicious cycles early.

Keep Positive Loops Going and Abort the Negative Ones
Pay attention to the day to day, but look to the big picture to see what’s really going on in terms of progress.  Teresa and Steven write:

”Focusing on inner work life one day at a time keeps you vigilant, but people make sense of each day’s events against the backstory of the days that preceded it.  Myopic focus on a narrow timeframe can blind you to the big picture of what’s really going on with both inner work life and progress.  Because inner work life and progress exert mutual influence, the ideal is to keep positive progress loops — virtuous cycles — going as long as possible, and abort negative ones — vicious cycles — as soon as possible.”

Look at the Right Things Over Time
You have to look for key triggers and events over time to notice the true patterns.  Teresa and Steven write:

“These patterns are often hard to spot unless you keep looking at the right things over time.  In fact, we might never have recognize the progress principles had we not been carefully analyzing daily event descriptions, many of which seemed unimportant in isolation.  It was focusing on the day-to-day, and then stepping back to look for patterns that we revealed what was really happening in the teams we studied.”

Watch For and Deal with Setback Events
Recognize the virtuous cycles and stay alert to the negative signs of setbacks.  Teresa and Steven write:

”Sustaining virtuous cycles requires recognizing them to begin with.  When your private end-of-the-day review indicates a series of days with more progress events than setbacks, and no major signs of negative inner work life, the chances are good that your team is in a virtuous cycle.  If your team is fortunate to have one going, it’s important to stay alert for negative events — especially small hassles — that can sour good inner work life or halt progress.  The most fundamental step is watching for and dealing with actual setback events.”

In my experience, the old saying, “a stitch in time saves nine” tends to be true, and I like to deal with setbacks as quickly, and effectively as possible, to keep a virtuous cycle going, or get back on one.

Photo by shambhavi singh.

“Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.” –  Albert Einstein

Just like you can develop your body, you can develop your mind.  You can have a beautiful mind.  In fact, like a fine wine, your mind can get better with age.  According to Edward de Bono, “there is very much more that you can do to make your mind more beautiful.”

In the book, How to Have a Beautiful Mind , Edward de Bono writes about how to develop a beautiful mind.

What is a Beautiful Mind

What does it mean to have a beautiful mind?  Having a beautiful mind means:

• You can easily explore ideas with others.
• You can appreciate alternative points of view.
• You can find possibilities and alternatives.
• When you disagree, you can spell out the differences with clarity and precision.
• When there’s a difference of opinion, you can openly explore the basis of the difference.
• Rather than just black or white, you can see the shades of gray.
• You make it a point to be interesting.

Key Concepts

Here are some cornerstone concepts that act as a foundation for a beautiful mind:

• Exploring ideas is more beautiful than making a case. (Argumentation is not beautiful.)
• Gentle disagreement is more beautiful than aggressive disagreement.
• Being interesting is more beautiful than showing you are clever.

Ways to Agree

Here are some ways that de Bono suggests  to find agreement:

1. Take a genuine delight in finding agreement.
2. Seek to find points of agreement.
3. Explore the subject versus argue a point.
4. Remove your ego from the discussion
5. Explore the other person’s logical bubble (how they see their world)
6. Identify special circumstances in which you might agree
7. Identify special values in which you might agree (“If I valued xyz, then I would agree.”)
8. Identify special experience in which you might agree (“If I had had the experience of xyz, then I would agree.”)
9. Disagree with a generalization, but agree with some parts of it.
10. See a spectrum between none vs. all: none, a few, some, many, most, the majority, by and large, all.

Ways to Disagree

Here are some ways that de Bono suggests to disagree without being disagreeable:

1. Don’t treat difference of opinion as a bad thing.
2. Challenge certainty by suggesting possibility.
3. Distinguish between having an opinion and disagreeing with an opinion.
4. Identify the sources of differences (experience, values, focus, point of view, etc.)
5. When you disagree about what’s “best,” remember that best depends on how you define it (easiest, fastest, most scenic, etc.)
6. Spell out the difference in the two perceptions.
7. Spell out the difference in personal preferences (You may be using different sets of values.)
8. Spell out that your experience may be different.
9. Acknowledge that you may have different views about the future (“We seem to have different views about what might happen in the future.”)
10. Jointly explore differences in experience.  (It may be that the experience is value, but that the interpretation of the experience is not the only one.)

Ways to Be Interesting

Here are some ways that de Bono suggests to be interesting:

1. Choose to be interesting over clever.
2. Talk about what you are good at and what interests you.
3. Tailor your language based on your audience: Those who know nothing about the subject, and those that know something about the subject and want to know more.

The Range of Disagreement

By knowing the range of disagreement, you can better understand sources of disagreement.  de Bono identifies a spectrum of disagreement possibilities:

1. That is simply wrong.
2. That is possible, but not certain.
3. That is only one of many alternatives.
4. That fits your experience.
5. That fits your values.
6. That is right for you, but not for me.
7. That is based on emotions and prejudice.
8. That is based on selective perception.
9. That conclusion does not follow.
10. That is one possible view of the future.

When Are Opinions Wrong

I just had to throw this in here, because it’s something many of us run into in our day to day experience.  Sometimes opinions are wrong.  de Bono gives a very nice example where people pass around a glass in the dark and ask whether it’s whiskey or cognac.  The opinions differ, but there is only one truth or correct answer in this case.   This is useful to keep in mind because if there’s a difference of opinion, but it’s about facts, then you can just check the facts.  When the disagreement is not about facts, then you have to explore the shades of gray, values, perception, perspective, etc.

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“The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine.” — Mike Murdock

Normally, I try to avoid posting on the weekends (it’s part of my “take weekends off” strategy), but I came across such a timely and beautiful blurb that I just had to share it.

I know that for many people, the idea of a routine seems like the death of innovation and creativity.  It’s actually quite the opposite.  Having routines means you can stop wasting your precious time and energy on the basics.  Instead, you can use routines to move up the stack and unleash your best.  More precisely, it puts your thinking where it counts.

While reading the book, Enterprise Architecture As Strategy: Creating a Foundation for Business Execution , by Peter Weill, I came across a few pieces of perfect prose that make the points way better than I have in the past.

From Deliberate Task to Second Nature
The more we can turn common tasks into routines, the less we have to think about them.  The less we have to think about the basics, the more we can spend on the more advanced things.

Weill writes:
“Every human being performs a variety of critical, fairly complex tasks without actually thinking about them.  These tasks include breathing, hearing, swallowing, and seeing.  With experience, humans can take on more-deliberate tasks like walking, riding a bike, driving a car, and making coffee.  At first, these more-deliberate tasks require some concentration and adaption, but they quickly become second nature.”

Easy for the Expert, Tough for the Novice
The expert can perform the basics without thinking.  The novice needs to spend a lot of time thinking through the basics, to understand the nature of the tasks and how to sequence their actions.  Additionally, the expert builds distinguishing capabilities by specializing in more advanced skills.  The difference between a novice and expert can be exponential.

Weill writes:
“Over time, different humans develop distinguishing capabilities.  A talented musician learns how to play piano; a great athlete plays basketball; a famous chef prepares extraordinary meals.  Each of these distinctive capabilities has repeatable, routine activities that would be hard for a novice but that the expert can perform without thinking.”

Concentrate on Achieving Greatness
By turning the basics into routines or habits, you can focus on developing your greatness.

Weill writes:
“Because experts need not focus on the routine activities in their field, they can concentrate on achieving greatness.”

Now, while routines are a good thing in concept and in practice, there is another important rule of thumb.  Don’t let your routines stifle or limit you.  The last thing you want is a routine that becomes a burden or works against you.   A simple way to prevent this, or fix this, is to innovate in your routines.  Periodically sweep your routines.  Throw out the ones that aren’t working, tune and prune the ones that do, and keep testing what works.

Model from the best, and tailor to work for you.

Photo by eviltomthai.

“Give a person a fish, and you feed them for a day. Teach a person how to fish, and you feed them for a lifetime.”

One of the questions I keep asking is, what skills do we need to survive or thrive in our new world?  It’s a world where you can’t count on a corporation for your job.  It’s a world where change happens faster than ever before.  It’s a world of global competition, where somebody, somewhere, with a lower cost of living can do your job for a fraction of the cost.  What kind of skills do we need to adapt and respond?  What skills do we need to teach our children?

There is a pattern and a way out.  It’s entrepreneurship.  If you look to the people that consistently bounce back, and if you look to the people that find a way out of poverty, and if you look to the people that get laid off, but then create a prosperous business, a common pattern is entrepreneurship.

In the book, Ultimate Guide to Google Ad Words, 2nd Edition: How To Access 100 Million People in 10 Minutes , Perry Marshall and Bryan Todd write about how entrepreneurism is the path out of poverty.

The Story of Paul in Kenya
Marshall and Todd write:

“But the epiphany occurs when I meet a fellow named Paul Mungai, who runs a cobbler shop.  Paul, ironically, is crippled, but he knows how to make and fix shoes.  And he knows how to run a business.  He started with just $50.00 of see money and now has, by Kenyan standards, a sound business.  He’s feeding his family, he’s paying his rent, his kids have uniforms to wear at school, and everyone in his care has enough to live on.”

I’ve heard similar stories like this before.   People can turn their lives around, and sustain themselves, when they can find a way to make a living.

Entrepreneurship is the Path Out
Marshall and Todd write:

“We exchange a few words and share our mutual understanding:  There is one and only one path out of poverty.  The one and only path out of poverty is entrepreneurship and business success.”
Well put.  Time and again, I’ve seen business create opportunity, growth, and new jobs.

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Photo by bugeaters.

“The key to successful leadership today is influence, not authority.” — Ken Blanchard

Have you ever had a  hard time trying to convince somebody of something?   You might not be matching their “Convincer Strategy”.   In Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), a “Convincer Strategy” is how a person comes to believe something to be true.  For some people, they need to see it with their own eyes.  For others, they need to hear something multiple times from multiple people before they believe it.

In Unlimited Power : The New Science Of Personal Achievement, Tony Robbins writes about the “Convincer Strategy.”

Figure Out Their Convincer Strategy
Robbins writes:

“The convincer strategy has two parts. To figure out what consistently convinces someone, you must first find out what sensory building blocks he needs to become convinced, and then you must discover how often he has to receive these stimuli before becoming convinced. To discover someone’s convincer meta-program, ask, ‘How do you know when someone else is good at a job? Do you have to a) see them or watch them do it, b) hear about how good they are, c) do it with them, or d) read about their ability?’ The answer may be a combination of these. You may believe someone’s good when you see him do a good job and when other people tell you he’s good.  The next question is, ‘How often does someone have to demonstrate he’s good before you’re convinced?’ There are four possible answers: a) immediately (for example, if they demonstrate that they’re good at something once, you believe them), b) a number of times (two or more), c) over a period of time (say, a few weeks or a month or a year), and d) consistently. In the last case, a person has to demonstrate that he’s good each and every time.”

Basically, the “Convincer Strategy” comes down to whether you need to hear it, see it, or read about it, and how many times you need to see or hear it, and over what period of time before you believe something is true.

Match Their Convincer Strategy or You’ll Waste a Lot of Time

In my experience, the “Convincer Strategy” is one of the most important things to figure out when it comes to influencing people.  If you don’t, it can seem like you’re banging your head against the wall.  You might have all the facts and figures or all the right data or really know your story, but if somebody is not hearing it in the way they expect it or, more specifically, in a way that matches their “Convincer Strategy”, then you will be wasting your breath.

Sometimes Buy-In Takes Time

When I would pitch my projects, I used to run into resistance from one of the directors.  I couldn’t figure out where the resistance was coming from given that I had good answers for their tough questions, I had the relevant data, and I had done my homework.  Eventually, I figured out that their buy in process takes time.  All I had to do was meet with them three times before the Vision Scope meeting.   By the third time, the story didn’t change, no new data, but hearing it a third time matched their “Convincer Strategy.”

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“The secret of confidence is focusing on what you can control, not on what you can’t.” – Mira Kirshenbaum

Self-confidence is the key to emotional energy. Without confidence, everything can feel like an uphill battle or an impossible hurdle.  Instead of a bounce in your step, or springing to action, you drag your feet, or you expect the worst. Just imagine the energy you would get if you knew you couldn’t fail.

There is a way.  But you have to focus on the right thing. In the case of confidence, knowing what to focus on is more than half the battle. It’s everything!

If you ever feel a loss of confidence or find yourself in the No-Confidence Trap, you need to know how to break out of it. To break out of it, you need to first understand how it works. Basically, you lose your confidence when you focus on the wrong things.  People that lack confidence focus on the outcomes.  They focus on the times they struck out, their mistakes, their failures, and disasters.  Basically, they focus on the things they can’t control. Confident people on the other hand, focus on what they can control, such as taking action or giving their best.  This one little distinction is the key to building your unshakeable confidence and getting back on the saddle again.

In the book, The Emotional Energy Factor: The Secrets High-Energy People Use to Beat Emotional Fatigue , Mira Kirshenbaum writes about the secret of confident people.

Key Take Aways

Here are my key take aways:

• A loss of confidence drains you emotionally. Without confidence you can’t see a way out or you approach things half-heartedly.  When you approach things half-heartedly, you lose.  It’s a downard spiral.
• You can break the No-Confidence Trap if you know how.  The No-Confidence Trap is a vicious cycle: You can’t win without confidence and you can’t get confidence without winning.  However, it’s easy to break out of the No-Confidence Trap, if you know how.
• Focus on what you control. Don’t focus on outcomes.  You can’t control the outcomes for a situation. To build your confidence, you have to focus on what you control, not on what you can’t.  This is the sure-fire way to break out of the No-Confidence Trap and build or rebuild your confidence.

Confidence is the Holy Grail

Kirshenbaum writes:

“In people’s lifelong journey to improve themselves, confidence is the Holy Grail.  With it, you can walk on water.  Without it, you’re soggy toast.  That’s why we all want it.  What gives you more emotional energy than confidence, than knowing that you can step up to the challenge and win?”

With great confidence, comes great results.  But it’s the journey and how you approach things that makes the difference.

"Why Try?"

Kirshenbaum writes:

“Loss of confidence is devastating for our emotional energy.  Without confidence, the two most horrible words in the English language take hold of us: ‘Why try?’  These words are horrible because they’re the beginning of doom for any enterprise we care about, including love.”

Losing your confidence is one way to feel emotionally drained, as if you can’t win.

Focus on What You Control

Kirshenbaum writes:

“The secret of confident people is that they focus on what they know they can do and then they do that in the best way they can.  And they don’t worry about the outcome.  The batter steps up to the plate.  All he can do is keep his eye on the ball and do his best. That’s what all the good hitters do.”

Don’t fall into the No-Confidence Trap.  If you’re asking yourself, “Why try?”, it’s because you’re focusing on the outcomes instead of what you can control.  Don’t focus on outcomes.  Focus on your actions.

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