“If you have to be right, you’re doing it wrong.” — Dr. Rick Kirschner

When it comes to people skills, Dr. Rick Kirschner (Dr.K) sets the bar. He’s co-author of the best-selling book, Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst , and for three decades he’s helped advance the field of personal and organizational development.

“ They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” – Carl W. Buechner

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Eduard Ezeanu. Eduard blogs at People Skills Decoded and is a communication’s coach with an attitude-based approach. Here’s Eduard on his top 10 lessons learned in improving communication.

One of the most helpful frames we’ve found at work for focusing meetings or presentations is:

Know – What do you want them to know?
Believe – What do you want them to believe?
Do – What do you want them to do?

When you name something it’s powerful. You have a way to reference it and share it with others. Patterns are named problem and solution pairs. They are a simple way to build and share a catalog of knowledge. You can use patterns to efficiently share strategies or principles. Rather than 100 words, you can use one word. Practices are methods or techniques. They are “how” you do something. By leveraging patterns and practices, you can improve your ability to get results. Basically, it’s a way to build a mental toolbox of insight and action to draw from.

“What’s their story?” … With one cutting question, my manager exposed the fact a colleague had only one side of the story — their own.

We make up stories every day either to explain our own actions or the actions of others. What happens when our stories limit us or hurt our relationships? For example, have you ever jumped to the wrong conclusion about somebody’s actions and later regretted it? I know I have.

Knowing the source of conflict is one of the first steps to dealing with it effectively. It’s easy to blame communication as the source of conflict, but it’s not always the case. In fact, it usually isn’t. For example, communication is the source of conflict when styles get in the way, or there are misunderstandings about intent.

During my Influencer training, one of the key concepts we drilled into was “clarify meaningful results.” What are meaningful results? Well, before you waste time on the “how”, clarify the “what” you want, the “why” you want it, and the “when” you want it.

I’ve noticed some conversations just go a lot easier with some people, but I wasn’t sure why. Recently, a colleague pointed me to an article, Dialogue: The Power of Understanding by Dr. Ann McGee-Cooper. The article has a nice way of framing types of conversations. Some conversations are about exploring ideas, while others are about a winning argument or a winning idea. Once you know the nature of the conversation, you can adapt the conversations, adjust yourself, or avoid it altogether.

In my previous post, I talked about Vital Behaviors, which I learned about in my Influencer Training. I’m elaborating here on Crucial Moments because they are one of the key ways to help you find Vital Behaviors. A Crucial Moment is the point in time where you have a critical choice to make. It’s the event or trigger where, depending on how you respond, you can positively or negatively impact results in a significant way. For example, a critical moment is when your alarm goes off in the morning. You can do your workout routine or you can hit the snooze alarm and put it off another day.

Dr. Rick Kirschner (aka Dr. K) shares how to bring out the best in people.

What’s your story? No, not once upon a time … what’s your story of who you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going? Your stories package and share your experience. They help you stand out if you share the right things. What are the right things? Share your unique experiences, your values, and your strengths … and even relevant flaws. Your human after all and everybody has flaws. It’s not what happens to you, but how you respond and you’re the author of your life. Choose your adventures. Write your stories with might. Lead yourself first and use your stories to guide yourself and others.

As a leader, you need to tell 3 stories: 1) your personal story, 2) a group story, and 3) the dream story. Your personal story communicates your beliefs and values. The group story helps create a shared sense of destiny. The dream story inspires people to a better future. Whether you’re a leader of a small team or large group, have these stories under your belt. If you lead a family, you can use the 3 stories too. If you just need to lead yourself, then have a personal story and dream story to remind yourself who you are and to inspire yourself to where you want to be.

Have you ever had to wait too long for somebody to make a point? Their sentences run on but leave you hanging and you have to keep it all in your head to try and follow along. They make you work too hard to follow the information. Surprisingly, it’s not how long the sentences are that make them complex. It’s how long it takes to complete the phrases. We understand concepts phrase by phrase, not word by word. As an author, when you know this, you can write simpler and more effectively to make your points. As a reader, now you know why some writing is harder to follow than others.

How do you use your opponent’s argument to your own advantage? You use concession. My dictionary says that concession is “admitting of a point claimed in argument.” You give a little to get a lot. One way to think of it is finding a way to agree. You can then use the agreement as a bridge to make your point. This works because you are letting your opponent score points. This also works because people like to be consistent with themselves. They don’t want to backtrack on what they just agreed to. Concession also works because you seem flexible rather than dogmatic or rigid in your opinion. Most importantly, it indicates that you’re listening. You validate them.

Photo by Rafael Amado Deras
I got some relevant training for today’s world.  The training was “Influencing without Authority” and it was based on the book, Influence Without Authority (2nd Edition).   The focus was how to succeed when you don’t have authority and control over execution.  This is a common scenario in cross-team, cross-group scenarios.  At Microsoft, you don’t get rewarded by saying, “…if only I had control over authority and execution … I would be successful.”  
This training is actually useful beyond just the work scenarios.  You can …

Photo by SqueakyMarmot
If you need to be persuasive, you need to know this secret.  It’s how people who influence without authority improve their effectiveness.  The secret is … character trumps emotion trumps logic.  If you win the heart, the mind follows.  On the other hand, if you win the mind, the heart doesn’t always follow.  For an example of character, think about the impact of the right people in the room asking the right questions. 
When you know this secret, it all makes sense.  You didn’t need more data …

Photo by Daniel E. Bruce
How can you improve conflict resolution?  Do you find yourself stuck in conflicts or arguments that go nowhere fast?  You know the ones, where the longer you argue, the more you spiral down.  If you don’t know the secret of conflict resolution, you can literally spend a lifetime butting heads and locking horns.  If you know the secret, then you can recognize situations and quickly get unstuck.
What’s the secret of conflict resolution?  … Shifting tense.   Rather than focus on the past or the …

Photo by Andyrob
When you don’t get what you want, don’t get angry.  Compliment, disarm, and clarify instead.  Rather than focus on your anger, focus on getting what you want.  In Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Revised and Updated , Dr. David D. Burns writes about complimenting, disarming and clarifying over focusing on your anger.
Compliment, Disarm, and Clarify According to Burns, you should compliment, disarm, and clarify to get what you want:

Compliment.  Instead of telling them off, compliment them on …

Photo by Scented_mirror.
Have you ever not been in the mood for somebody’s sunshiny ways?   Their lack of sympathy pushes you away.  Instead, they should match your mood, at least at first.  A little sympathy can go a long way.  In Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion, Jay Heinrichs writes about using sympathy to build rapport.
Share Your Listener’s Mood
Start with your audience’s mood.  Use rhetorical sympathy to show concern.  Heinrichs writes:
Sympathize – align yourself with your listener’s pathos.  You …

How do you improve your crucial conversations?   A crucial conversation is any conversation where the stakes are high, emotions run strong and opinions vary.  If you can master crucial conversations, rather than fear your tough conversations, you’ll kick-start your career, strengthen your relationships, and improve your health.  In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler show you specific principles and skills to master your crucial conversations.
Key Take Aways
I’ve used these techniques on the job and I’ve found them to …