"If you have to be right, you’re doing it wrong." — Dr. Rick Kirschner

When it comes to people skills, Dr. Rick Kirschner (Dr.K) sets the bar.  He’s co-author of the best-selling book, Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst , and for three decades he’s helped advance the field of personal and organizational development.

Dr. K’s super skill is interpersonal communication, and he specializes in persuasion and influence.  As an author, speaker, and coach, Dr. K has helped thousands of people turn conflict into cooperation, improve their personal influence and impact, and deal with unwanted communication patterns in their personal and professional lives.

If you haven’t seen Dr. K’s work before, prepare to be amazed.  You’ll wonder where he’s been all your life.  The beauty is that not only has he mastered the domain of interpersonal skills, he’s blazed a trail and has shared his work through many blog posts, and through his information products.  As you explore Dr. K’s work, one thing to keep in mind is that the time you invest improving your communication skills will pay you back on a daily basis.  It’s one of the simplest, but most effective ways to improve the quality of your life.

As you read his work, you’ll realize not only is Dr. K the real deal, but he’s a nice guy, and he genuinely likes to see people succeed.

25 Lessons Learned from Dr. Kirschner
Here are 25 lessons learned from Dr. K you can instantly use to improve your communication skills:

1. Persuasion is like magic.  When you don’t know how it’s done, it creates a sense of wonder.   It’s like magic.  Once you know how it’s done, it loses some of the wonder.  However, you can shift focus to mastering the techniques and enjoying the process.
2. Know the three steps to persuasion.  According to Dr. K, there are three steps to persuasion:  1) Meet people where they are, 2) First understand them, and 3) Then speak to their needs, interests and motivations. 
3. Focus on behavior over personality types.  Rather than focus on personality types or personality profiling, focus on context and behaviors, and remember that people change their behaviors based on the situation or context they are in.  Dr. K says, “My approach is behavior based rather than personality based, in that it is based on the useful assumption that a person’s needs (and thus, style of communicating) change depending on the context (time of day, location, who they are interacting with, what they want or don’t want, etc.) Sometimes more extroverted, sometimes more introverted. Sometimes more direct, sometimes more indirect.”
4. Recognize a person’s needs-style: “task focus” vs. “people focus.” You can improve your ability to influence if you blend your behavior with a person’s needs-style.  To understand a person’s needs-style, you need to listen to what a person talks about and how directly they talk about it.   When a person is “task-focused,” they talk about what they are doing.   When a person is “people focused”, they will talk more about the people around them or their feelings about the situation.  Dr. K says, “A person focused more on a task than on people may pay more attention to the end result of the task than the details they encounter along the way. … A person focused more on people than on a task may express more interest in the opinions and feelings of others, or in their own opinions and feelings.”  
5. Recognize the four communication needs: action, accuracy, approval and appreciation.  According to Dr. K, there are four basic intents or communication needs: 1) action, 2) accuracy, 3) approval, and 4) appreciation.   You’ll recognize the need for action when a person is focused on the end result of an interaction or an idea.  You’ll recognize a person has a need for accuracy when a person is indirect and focused on the details of an interaction or an idea.  You’ll recognize the need for approval when a person speaks indirectly and expresses concern for the opinions and feelings of others.  You’ll recognize a need for appreciation when a person is focused more on her own thoughts and feelings than the thoughts and feelings of others.  Remember that behavior keeps changing so you’ll need to keep paying attention in order to notice the change. 
6. Speak to the four communication needs.   Once you recognize which of the four communication needs somebody is speaking with (action, accuracy, approval, or appreciation), you can speak to the need.  To speak to action, get to the point (“cut to the chase”.)  This might include being commanding or authoritative.  To speak to accuracy, speak indirectly and give the details (go “step-by-step”)   This might include asking questions or making long statements to establish facts or stimulate thinking.  To speak to approval, speak in a friendly, indirect, and considerate way (use relationship language, like ‘we’, ‘us’, ‘you and me’, and ‘the team’.)  To speak to appreciation, speak directly, with energy and enthusiasm (create a spotlight effect.) 
7. Blend your behavior to improve rapport.    Blending is one of the simplest things you can do to improve your communication effectiveness.  Dr. K recommends blending your behavior to reduce differences and send signals of similarity.  You can blend with your body by matching body posture and facial expressions or you can blend with your voice by matching tone, volume, tempo, etc.  You can also blend by matching somebody’s communication needs.
8. Know what you want.   There are multiple ways to achieve what you want.  In order to stay flexible in your approach, you need to first figure out what you want to accomplish.  This is especially true when it comes to communication and persuasion.  Dr. K says, "That’s why the challenge in life, and in communication specifically, is to define a direction, and organize yourself around that outcome.  You need to know what you are aiming towards, what you intend to achieve, and why you intend to achieve it, or you just keep cycling back to the easy stuff, the complaints, problems, and obstacles that you can’t seem to avoid."
9. Assumptions create self-fulfilling prophecies.   When you make assumptions, it’s usually easy to find evidence that supports you assumption because the blinders are on.  The key is to recognize that you have assumptions and test them.  Dr. K says, “Once you make an assumption (about yourself, about others, about situations, etc.) you inevitably will act as if your assumption is true.  And your actions will have effects, in that you will find evidence in order to have the experience that your assumption is true.“
10. Make useful assumptions rather than limiting ones.  Assumptions help us deal with overload and help us avoid being overwhelmed.  Knowing that we make and use assumptions every day, make useful assumptions over limiting ones.  According to Dr. K, “A useful assumption gives you enough informed perspective on your own behavior and the behavior of others that you can engage in behaviors that lead to worthwhile outcomes.  A limiting assumption holds you back, ties you down, and traps you into self-defeating and counterproductive behavior.”
11. Assume positive intent.  One useful assumption is assuming positive intent.  If you assume the worst in people, you’ll bring out the worst.  If you treat somebody like a jerk, chances are they’ll act like a jerk.  Instead, expect the best and improve the chances that you’ll get their best behavior, at least when dealing with you.  Dr. K says, “…people do what they do for a good reason.  Even the worst behaviors serve a purpose the person considers a good one.  People engage in behaviors based on their intent, and do what they do based on what seems to be most important in any given moment.” 
12. Start with your points then find supporting data.  When you need to persuade, don’t throw a bunch of numbers at people.  Make your point, then back it up with data.  Don’t  make people fish through the numbers to try and figure out what your point might be.
13. Appeal to logical listeners using facts and figures.  When you’re persuading logical listeners, facts, data, and statistics can be effective.   It’s effective because they are making decisions based on reason and they are making sense of the data you present to support your argument.  To be effective, make sure your facts and figures are easy to understand.
14. Appeal to emotional listeners using vivid language.  When you’re persuading emotional listeners, they will likely tune out facts and figures unless it’s interesting or shocking insight.  For emotional listeners, use examples, metaphors, and vivid imagery to be more effective.
15. Add persuasion signals to increase your persuasive power.  Persuasion Signals are “signals” or short-cuts for the listener on how to act.   While a logical thinker will be looking for facts and details, an emotional thinker is looking for shortcuts and signals about the worth and meaning of an idea.  According to Dr. K, there are seven persuasion signals to draw from:   1) The Signal of Affinity, 2) The Signal of Comparison, 3) The Signal of Conformity, 4)  The Signal of Reciprocity, 5) The Signal of Authority, 6) The Signal of Consistency, 7) The Signal of Scarcity.
16. Know the ten types of difficult people.    Dr. K and team identify 10 types of difficult people in the Dealing with People You Can’t Stand.  The ten types of difficult people are: 1) Grenade Person, 2) Know-It-All, 3) Maybe Person, 4) No Person, 5) Nothing Person, 6) Sniper, 7) Tank, Think-They-Know-It-All, 9) Whiners, 10) Yes Person.  The types are actually names of behaviors and you can use the types as a lens to understand both yourself and the behavior of other people.
17. Shared values hold you together.   "I believe the most powerful common ground in relationships is that of shared values. If you and another person believe or think the same kinds of things and experiences are important, you’ll be able to work together to problem solve and share the positive results after. If you deem the same things to be the important things, when divisions arise, your shared values will hold you together." 
18. Build relationships on common ground.    According to Dr. K, the key to long-term relationships is building on common ground.  Dr. K says, “Couples who build their relationships on the common ground of values can survive all kinds of life cycle events, even thrive, in spite of the differences that inevitably arise. But couples that lack shared values are likely doomed, regardless of how much else they have in common, to fight over and eventually move away from each other because of the lack of this basic bond.”
19. Blend with behavior when values are different. When you’re faced with a conflict of values, one of the best ways to stay connected is to blend with behavior, since clearly you aren’t connecting at the values.  Dr. K says,“That’s where we send signals to others that we are on the same side. Since we people are more alike than different anyway, finding common ground ought to be a fairly simple proposition. Yet most people find it incredibly hard to do when their attention is on the differences that divide us one from another. That’s why the idea of blending is to move to common ground as quickly as possible.” 
20. When somebody decides not to help, find somebody else.   Sometimes in customer service, you might find somebody who has already decided not to help.  In those cases, see if you can escalate or find somebody else to talk to that might empathize with you.
21. Focus on logical consequences over punitive responses. Rather than punish people after the fact, give them a way to succeed up front, by setting expectations up front.   Make the path and consequences as clear as you can.  According to Dr.K, “Logical consequences, on the other hand, are imposed results.  If you do X, I’ll do Y.  If you do A, I’ll do B.  When you tell a child, or a person acting like a child, what they can expect as a result of their actions, you are telling them about a consequence of their action.  If you then do what you say you will do, they learn to respect your word about those consequences.  This is very different than a punitive response to something you don’t like, which has the form of, “Because you did X, I’m going to do Y.”  The problem with punitive reactions is they don’t provide people with an opportunity to change.  They do, however, give people a reason to resent you, rebel against you, and polarize the situation against you further.” 
22. Free up your inner-change artist with “What if?” and “What, then?” questions.   Dr. K says, “What matters is, where do you want to go, and what is one small step forward that you can take in order to get there.  To create positive change.  And the beauty of life is there is always a next step.   How is it possible to find that small step forward?  Well, change artists do it by asking themselves ‘What if? and ‘What, then?’ questions.”
23. Backtrack before asking questions.   Backtracking is simply echoing back what you heard.  This shows that you’re listening and that you care.  Backtracking helps you build trust and it helps the other person feel heard.  By backtracking before you ask questions, it shows that you are fully engaged and attempting to clarify and understand.   This also gives the other person a chance to correct you to make sure you’ve heard something the way they intend.  This sets the stage for asking more effective questions, while staying connected.
24. Ask what behavior would you replace it with? Rather than focus on what you don’t want somebody to do, focus on what you would like them to do instead.  Dr. K says, “Remember, nature hates a vacuum and you cannot replace something with nothing. That makes it more difficult to create positive change for you and for your organization.  If you don’t want him to do what he’s doing, what behavior would you him to replace it with?.”
25. Expand the scope of your input.  If you only listen or watch or pay attention to what you already know, then you limit your world.   Expand your horizons by taking in input from a variety sources outside yoru comfort zone.  Dr. K says, “Change the stations, read watch or listen to something that you disagree with. Challenge your views in order to gain access to information that exists outside of your comfort zone. This way you can expand the scope of your input. You can bring into your awareness other options, other interpretations and possibilities. These other possibilities provide you with what you need to better understand your world and give you sufficient information to influence it for the better.” 

These lessons are just a tip of the iceberg.  Dr. K is a true wealth of pragmatic insight you can apply in work and life.

Kirschner’s Motivational Model
One of the ways to make sense of what you see is to use a lens.  Dr. K has a lens for understanding people’s drivers and motivations.  It’s Kirschner’s Motivational Model:

Dr. K’s motivational model is a set of six motivational sets.  Each set is a spectrum of what we move toward, and what we move away from.   According to Dr. K, our drivers are a blend of the motivational sets above, and our motivations are ultimately contextual and depend on what we’re doing and who we’re with.

Quotes
Dr. K has a great way of sharing insight in the form of pithy prose.  Here is a handful of some of his quotable quotes:

• “A good model allows us to do things, try things, organize our perceptions to find out useful and interesting things. And the cool thing about a model is that it doesn’t have to be true, it just has to work.”
• “Change artists start with the really big What If’s, and work their way back to the details of their own lives.”
• “Change is inevitable, but progress is not.”
• “Change your mind. Change your life. Change your world.”
• “Don’t get mad. Get smart!”
• “Every question, every statement, has a consequence and in this way you can and do shape the thoughts of others. You always have an impact!”
• “Every time you ask a question or make a statement to someone, you are participating in his or her thought process.”
• “First, change your attitude, and then change your behavior.  To change your attitude, and thus stop suffering, you must learn to look, think and feel differently about difficult behavior.”
• “Flexibility means having more than one choice, and getting feedback instead of failure.”
• “How are you going to change what you’re doing in the present in order to get that different outcome in the future?”
• "I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, ‘Think outside the box.” Here’s my version of that. ‘Don’t get in the box in the first place.’"
• “If all you know is what you don’t want, you will get more of it.”
• “If there’s going to be a future worth living in, I think you will find more than enough agreement from most everybody that much needs to change.”
• “If you don’t want ‘that’, what do you want?”
• “In your life, think of the opportunities squandered, the resources wasted, and the money and income lost because the right person at the right time lacked the persuasive skill to persuade the key people to take the necessary actions.”
• “It’s based on my observation that  people do what they do for a good reason.  Even the worst behaviors serve a purpose the person considers a good one.”
• “Just as people choose what to wear from a variety of clothing styles (such as formal-wear, office-wear, or weekend-wear), so people choose from a variety of behaviors that are situational dependent.”
• “Not all situations are resolvable.  And some are just not worth it.  Cutting your losses remains a viable option when dealing with difficult behavior.”
• “Persuasion finds it’s power in meeting people where they are and then engaging them in such a way that they move with you when you move forward.”
• “Recognize that fear is as irrational as it is necessary, and perhaps wisdom is learning the difference  about when to act on it versus when to act in spite of it.”
• “Sometimes, that means you must accept the unacceptable, in order to move with it and take charge over it. Only then can you redirect whatever is aimed at you towards your desired result.”
• “What if anything is possible, and all that’s required of any of us is to be true to ourselves and find our next small step forward?”
• “Why more than one choice?  Because if you only know one way to do something, you’ll always have to do it, even if it doesn’t work!”
• “You cannot not influence people.”
• “You’ve got to know how to protect yourself from unscrupulous people with hidden agendas who use ignorance and emotion to bring about negative ends.”

Catalog of Dr. K’s Resources (Sites, Books, Videos)
Dr. K has a wide range of resources, from blog posts to books.  For simple scanning, I organized Dr. K’s collection of resources into the following buckets: key links, audio, books, eBooks, ten-minute tune ups, videos, and popular posts.

If you happen to have a story or lesson on how Dr. K made an impact on you, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

My Related Posts

• Lessons Learned from Guy Kawasaki
• Lessons Learned  from Seth Godin
• Lessons Learned from Tony Robbins

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Eduard Ezeanu.  Eduard blogs at People Skills Decoded and is a communication’s coach with an attitude-based approach.  Here’s Eduard on his top 10 lessons learned in improving communication.

When I was a teenager, I became interested at one point in consciously improving my communication skills, and joined the debate club in my high-school. I quickly realized the extraordinary results that good communication skills can help you achieve, and I got addicted. Soon after, I also started helping others put their best foot forward in communication.

Now, over a decade later, there are certain key lessons about effective communication which have become crystal clear in my mind. I see them manifest in every interaction between two human beings. Here are the top 10 of these lessons:

• Lesson #1: Communication is Like a Muscle.
• Lesson #2: You’re Overrating Your Communication Skills.
• Lesson #3: Good Communication Can Compensate Bad Communication.
• Lesson #4: Talk to the Point.
• Lesson #5. Be Clear.
• Lesson #6: Ask!
• Lesson #7: Be Yourself.
• Lesson #8: Listen Instead of Assuming.
• Lesson #9: Don’t Argue for the Sake of Arguing.
• Lesson #10. Smile!

Lesson #1. Communication is Like a Muscle.
The more you use it, the more it develops. This doesn’t mean that just by communicating you automatically improve your communication skills every time; applying certain principles and seeking to improve is also important. But the basics are in actually practicing, in interacting with people as much as you can.

Lesson #2: You’re Overrating Your Communication Skills.
There are two things which happen a lot in relation with communication: one is that almost everybody agrees that most people need to improve their communication skills, the other is that almost nobody believes they have this problem. It’s very possible that your communication skills need work, and it’s best to take this into account.

Lesson #3: Good Communication Can Compensate Bad Communication.
If you deal with people with bad communication skills, the situation is not hopeless. To a great extent, you can still get the kind of results you want, if you have good enough communication skills to balance things out. Just focus on your side of things.

Lesson #4: Talk to the Point.
Probably the most common mistake in communication is losing the attention of the people you’re talking to, because you’ve stopped saying something relevant for them. Always keep your target in mind and adapt the content of your communication so it’s relevant for whoever you are talking with.

Lesson #5. Be Clear.
General, fuzzy words don’t have much practical use in communication. They’re mostly a way of talking without saying much. Focus on using very specific and precise words when you talk, in order to present your thoughts in as a precise manner as you can. This improves your chance to be understood and to be convincing when you interact with others.

Lesson #6. Ask!
I can’t even begin to describe how much most people sabotage themselves in communication by not asking clearly for the things they want. We tend to avoid expressing our own needs or wants, or we fail to express them clearly.  Instead, we hope that someone will simply address our needs and wants the way we want. This is a terrible strategy. If you want something, ask for it clearly. That’s what confident and effective people do.

Lesson #7: Be Yourself.
Communication can be used as a way to create a false impression about yourself. And this has some benefits but overall, it is just another bad strategy in relating with others. Instead, use communication as a way to express your true self, without regrets and without excuses. Authentic communication is the way to build great partnerships and overall, and to get the best results.

Lesson #8: Listen Instead of Assuming.
We will often stop listening to what a person has to say when her words seem familiar and we think we know what else she has to say. But we often jump to the wrong conclusions, and we end up misunderstanding others. Each person has unique experiences, and they will express them in unique ways. Listen to them instead of assuming before you respond.

Lesson #9: Don’t Argue for the Sake of Arguing.
This is something I see all the time: a person expresses an opinion and another person who has a different opinion instantly contradicts them. There is no practical benefit in converting this person to their side, and it’s improbable that they will, but they stubbornly try nonetheless. There are times to argue, when there is practical value in doing this. But these are the exceptions rather than the rules.

Lesson #10. Smile!
It’s such a simple act, which can communicate so many positive things, and can brighten up somebody’s day. Smiling is generally the act of the confident and the happy. It creates subtle but powerful effects and it’s something I recommend that you practice consciously each day.

And of course, whatever lessons you put into practice in your communication, remember to enjoy the process. It can be as meaningful as the destination of having cutting edge communication skills.

Additional Resources

• People Skills Decoded (Eduard’s Blog)
• About Eduard Ezeanu (Bio)
• VIP Lifestyle: A System with People for Creating Your Ultimate Lifestyle (Free eBook)

Photo by Team Traveller.

One of the most helpful frames we’ve found at work for focusing meetings or presentations is:

1. Know – What do you want them to know?
2. Believe – What do you want them to believe?
3. Do – What do you want them to do?

For example, when our patterns & practices team at Microsoft would prepare to give a business review, the team building the slides would brainstorm on the 3 questions above.

I’m a fan of question-driven approaches, and the technique above has proven very effective for focusing a room of passionate people.  Really, you can think of it as creating “shared goals”, just with more precision and focus.  The goal of course, in our case, was “tell an effective story” about what our group does and why execs or business leaders should care.

Personally, I found the simple frame to work for just about any meeting where I need to “sell” an idea or get folks on board.

Photo by Reinante El Pintor de Fuego.

When you name something it’s powerful.  You have a way to reference it and share it with others.  Patterns are named problem and solution pairs.  They are a simple way to build and share a catalog of knowledge.  You can use patterns to efficiently share strategies or principles.  One good name is worth a 1000 words.  Practices are methods or techniques.   They are “how” you do something.   By leveraging patterns and practices, you can improve your ability to get results.  Basically, it’s a way to build a mental toolbox of insight and action to draw from.

Principles
You can think of a principle as a fundamental law or truth.  They can explain how things work or what to expect, such as the law of gravity.   You can also think of principles as internal motivation to do things (i.e. a matter of principle) vs. external rules that compel you and are enforced by threat or punishment.  You can also think in terms of guiding principles.  Guiding principles are strategies or guidelines or rules of thumb that guide your thinking or doing.   You can think of principles as strategies and rules as tactics.   Rather than have a rule or tactic for every situation, you can leverage guiding principles to help you find a solution or response.

The power of principles includes:

• Explaining how things work.
• Explaining what to expect.
• Naming and sharing fundamental laws or truths.
• Naming and sharing guidelines and rules of thumb.

Patterns
You can think of a pattern as a proposed model or a recurring event.  Patterns are all around us.   You can see patterns in nature, in people, and in the shapes of buildings.   You may be familiar with design patterns, behavior patterns, patterns of events, spending patterns, or thought patterns.   You can also think of patterns as a proposed model.  If you’re a dress maker, you might use design patterns as a template to start from.  In software, patterns have been especially effective for documenting and sharing collective knowledge in the field.   Each pattern is a problem and solution pair.  The chunk of advice is structured and includes key information such as the context so you know when to use it or where it applies.  Because patterns are rooted in practice, they are discovered versus created, and as general rule of thumb, it’s not a pattern unless you can point to three examples where the pattern is used in practice.

The power of patterns includes:

• Creating a shared vocabulary.
• Naming and sharing solutions to common problems.
• Sharing principles efficiently.
• Documenting knowledge in a field.

Practices
You can think of practices as methods or techniques.  In other words, it’s a way to do something.  You’ve probably heard the term “best practices.”  While “best” is subjective, the idea is to share the most effective techniques.  On the patterns & practices team, we adopted the term, “proven practices” since some customers didn’t like the term “best practices.”  In our case, proven simply meant we tested the practices we shared for specific scenarios.  At the end of the day, our goal is to find and share practices for customer success.

The power of practices includes:

• Creating a catalog of techniques in a given domain.
• Naming and sharing methods or techniques.
• Sharing expertise more effectively.

Examples of Principles, Patterns, and Practices
The following table shows some examples of principles, patterns, and practices:

Stephen Covey is also a good example in action.  He’s created a shared vocabulary by sharing a set of principles, patterns, and practices in the form of habits: habit 1 – be proactive, habit 2 – begin with the end in mind, habit 3 – put first things first, habit 4 – think win-win, habit 5 – seek first to understand and then to be understood, habit 6 – synergize, habit 7 – sharpen the saw, habit 8 – Find your voice, help others find theirs.

Photo by Bludgeoner86.

“What’s their story?” … With one cutting question, my manager exposed the fact a colleague had only one side of the story — their own.

We make up stories every day either to explain our own actions or the actions of others.  What happens when our stories limit us or hurt our relationships?  For example, have you ever jumped to the wrong conclusion about somebody’s actions and later regretted it?  I know I have.

What the experts do is they swap stories.  The trick is separating fact from fiction.  First, they share the facts they know.  The more objective or verifiable the facts are, the better.  The facts help build common ground.  Next, they share their interpretation of those facts.  This is their story.  Then they ask the other person for their version of the story.

It’s a simple technique, but I’m finding swapping stories is very revealing.  Sometimes I’m surprised by my own interpretation of the facts.  Other times, I’m surprised by another person’s interpretation of the facts.  Either way, I consistently find that a thoughtful response is better than an emotional reaction.

The next time you find you just don’t get somebody’s behavior, before jumping to negative conclusions, ask “what’s their story?”

My Related Posts

• Lessons Learned from Per
• Cutting Questions
• Master My Stories

Photo by Joi.

Knowing the source of conflict is one of the first steps to dealing with it effectively.  It’s easy to blame communication as the source of conflict, but it’s not always the case.  In fact, it usually isn’t.  For example, communication is the source of conflict when styles get in the way, or there are misunderstandings about intent.  Communication is not the source of conflict when it’s things like how your group is structured, personality clashes, or conflict in values.

In the book, The Truth About Managing People…And Nothing But the Truth , author Stephen P. Robbins writes about analyzing sources of conflict.

Key Take Aways
Here are my key take aways:

• Communication is not the real cause of most conflicts.  More conflicts tend to come from structural relationships and personal differences.
• Structural relationships can create conflict.  When groups have competing goals, that’s a setup for conflict.  When people face scarcity of resources, turf wars happen.  Reporting structures can shift ownership, influence, and authority around in ways that can create conflict.
• Personality clashes can create conflict.  This is a case where tolerance and thinking techniques can help, but at the end of the day, some people just don’t like each other.
• Differences in values can create conflict.  You want one thing, somebody else wants another.  This is a fairly common source of conflict.
• Too much communication can cause conflict.  While too little communication cause cause conflict, too much communication can cause conflict too.

In my experience, you can reduce conflict by taking away the threats, creating shared goals, and creating more effective boundaries and interactions as needed.  For situations, you can learn to adapt, adjust or avoid, as well as shift tense to reduce conflict.  I also like John Wooden’s advice here, which is basically, it’s OK to disagree, just don’t be disagreeable.

Structural Relationships Can Create Conflict
Diverse goals within and across groups can create conflict.  Robbins writes:

Organizations create job descriptions, specialized work groups, jurisdictional borders, and authority relationships – all with the intent to facilitate coordination.  But in so doing, they separate people and create the potential for conflicts.  For instance, departments within organizations have diverse goals. … When groups within an organization seek diverse ends, some of which are inherently at odds, there is increased potential for conflict.

Personality Clashes Can Create Conflict
Some personalities just don’t get along.  Robbins writes:

Did you ever meet individuals to whom you took an immediate disliking?  Most of the opinions you disagreed with.  Even insignificant characteristics – the way they cocked their head when they talked or smirked when they smiled – annoyed you.  We’ve all met people like that.  And many of us have to work with people like this; people whose values or personality clash with our own.

Differences in Values Can Create Conflict
Conflict in values is a common source of interpersonal conflicts.  Robbins writes:

So, not surprisingly employees differ on the on the importance they place on general values such as honesty, responsibility, equality and ambition.  They also differ on job-related values such as the importance of family over work or freedom versus authority.  These differences often surface in work-related interactions and create significant interpersonal conflicts.

Too Much Communication Can Create Conflict Too
It’s called overcommunicating for a reason.  Robbins writes:

The evidence actually demonstrates that the potential for conflict increases when there is too much communication as well as when there’s too little.  Apparently, an increase in communication is functional up to a point, whereupon it’s possible to overcommunicate.  Too much information as well as too little can lay the foundation for conflict.

When Managing Conflict, Look at the Source
Rather than just blame poor communication, look for other potential sources of conflict.  Robbins writes:

So when you’re trying to manage conflicts, take a thoughtful look at their source.  It’s more likely that the conflict is coming from work-imposed requirements, dissimilar values, or personality differences than it is from poor communication.  And that might influence the actions you take to resolve the conflict.

What’s worked for you in dealing effectively with conflict?

Relevant Books
Here are some relevant books that I think really help in terms of dealing with conflict:

• Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion
• Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High
• Crucial Confrontations: Tools for talking about broken promises, violated expectations, and bad behavior
• Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst
• Coping With Difficult Bosses

My Related Posts

• Shift Tense to Resolve Conflict
• Mutual Purpose
• Start with Heart

Photo by pasukaru76.

During my Influencer training, one of the key concepts we drilled into was “clarify meaningful results.”  What are meaningful results?  Well, before you waste time on the “how”, clarify the “what” you want, the “why” you want it, and the “when” you want it.

3 Criteria for Meaningful Results
The 3 keys to an effective results are:

1. Specific and measurable.
2. What you really want.
3. Time bound.

In other words, it’s quantitative, not qualitative, it’s focused on the outcome you care about, and you’ve attached a completion date to it.  If you’re familiar with SMART goals, this might seem familiar, but the key for me is the connection to values.  It’s one thing to have specific, measurable, actionable, relevant, and timely goals.  It’s another to set your eyes on the prize that you really want and are motivated by.  Also, make sure it’s what you really want, just in case you might actually achieve it.

Photo by thrig.

I’ve noticed some conversations just go a lot easier with some people, but I wasn’t sure why.  Recently, a colleague pointed me to an article, Dialogue: The Power of Understanding by Dr. Ann McGee-Cooper.  The article has a nice way of framing types of conversations.  Some conversations are about exploring ideas, while others are about a winning argument or a winning idea.  Once you know the nature of the conversation, you can adapt the conversations, adjust yourself, or avoid it altogether.

Dialogue, Debate and Discuss
Ann offers 3 labels for conversations that you can use to help understand what’s going on::

• Dialogue
• Debate
• Discussion

Dialogue is Listening with an Open Spirit
A dialogue is listening with an open spirit.  There’s no set idea.  It’s about listening with an open mind and asking questions that lead to understanding (the goal is not to win.)  Ann writes:

The first and most difficult task of dialogue involves parking the ego and listening with an open spirit.  From this receptivity can come questions which lead to understanding.

Debate is a Verbal "Fight"
A debate is verbal "fight." It’s about winning an argument.  Ann writes:

Dialogue is the opposite of debate, a verbal "fight," the goal of which is to win an argument by besting an opponent.  The focus is on listening for flaws in the "opponent’s" argument rather than listening to understand something new or from a different perspective. Ego is typically at the center of this win-lose conversation.

Discussion is the "Breaking Apart" of Issues
A discussion is the "breaking apart" of issues.  It’s about  pushing a winning idea.  Ann writes:

Dialogue is also different from discussion, the "breaking apart" of issues, individuals or situations to gain agreement.  Discussions tend to be fast-paced, persuasive conversations in which one person tries to convince the other of a point of view or solution. Ego, control and power over others are often at the forefront of this style of talking.

How To Change to a Dialogue
If you need to shift to a dialogue, you can ask yourself, how might that be true, to get curious and park your doubting mind for the moment.  If you need to shift somebody from a debate or discussion to a dialogue, then first listening until they feel they’ve been heard (empathic listening), and then shift to solution-focused questions.   Ann offers 3 questions that can help you shift to dialogue:

• What is it you see that I don’t?
• How do you see this differently and why?
• Please help me understand from your perspective.

Sometimes it’s just too personal, and you can break the loop by either putting it on a whiteboard (it takes the focus off of you and puts it on the whiteboard), or by using a facilitator who can help make sure everybody’s ideas are explored.  I’ve successfully used facilitators for some politically charged meetings.

Characteristics of High Performing Teams
Ann provides characteristics of high performing teams that achieve effective dialogue.  I’ve summarized some of them here:

• When tempers flair, people look for ways to build bridges.
• Restate strong, toxic statements to clarify meaning in a respectful manner.
• When two people get in a shooting match, a 3rd party steps in to find a 3rd alternative, or capture the best of each perspective.
• Rather than sweep issues under the rug, surrounding partners clarify meaning, calm emotions, and introduce respect for differences.
• Take a time out when there’s strong differences, and resume to collaborate instead of compete.
• Clarify the different points of view and then sleep on it.
• Posing good questions to open up thinking and slow down polarization.

From experience, I can say these techniques work in practice.  In fact, they can be surprisingly effective.  Sometimes it’s simply a matter of feeling heard or understood.

My Related Posts

• How To Improve Your Crucial Conversations
• How Might That Be True
• How To Use the Six Thinking Hats

Photo by pasukaru76.

In my previous post, I talked about Vital Behaviors, which I learned about in my Influencer Training.  I’m elaborating here on Crucial Moments because they are one of the key ways to help you find Vital Behaviors.  A Crucial Moment is the point in time where you have a critical choice to make.  It’s the event or trigger where, depending on how you respond, you can positively or negatively impact results in a significant way.  For example, a critical moment is when your alarm goes off in the morning.  You can do your workout routine or you can hit the snooze alarm and put it off another day.  It’s the moment of temptation when you wonder whether to take the off ramp and spiral down, or take the on ramp and accelerate toward your results.

The Power of Crucial Moments
Crucial Moments are powerful because if you do the right behaviors, you can prevent a host of downstream issues.  They mark the beginning of a domino effect.  They are critical choice points where your actions will shape the outcomes either positively or negatively.  They help you find and test Vital Behaviors because you can find the root cause of the results you’re getting.  Changing the actions at Crucial Moments changes your results.

Finding Crucial Moments
Here are a few ways to find Crucial Moments:

• Walk the process or flow and find where the key decisions are.
• Identify events or triggers that start a chain of events.
• Work backwards from a result and trace the actions that got you there.  Note the key decision points along the way.

Example of Crucial Moments in a Project Cycle
Here is an example we used during our training.  It’s a list of crucial moments for a project cycle:

1. Fact-free planning – planning without all the stakeholders present.
2. Leaders pretend to involve others.
3. Leaders propose an impossible plan.
4. Team members face conflicting priorities.

In each of these situations, you can imagine how actions influence the outcome.  I’ve seen many projects fail because of  failure to push back on fact-free planning or impossible plans.  When leaders pretend to involve others, they lose trust and credibility.  If you don’t resolve conflicting priorities, projects can die a slow death, or succeed only through heroic efforts.  In each of these cases, you can identify the Vital Behaviors for these Crucial Moments that lead toward successful outcomes.

My Related Posts

• Vital Behaviors
• Six Sources of Influence
• Influencer Training Day 1
• Influencer Training Day 2

Photo by Smiles Are Free.

Editor’s note: This is a guest post on lessons learned in bringing out the best in people by Dr. Rick Kirschner (aka Dr.K).  Dr. K is an international bestselling author, including Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst and Insider’s Guide To The Art Of Persuasion . As a professional speaker, he presents to some of the world’s best known organizations, from Heineken to NASA to Starbucks.  He’s been interviewed on hundreds of radio and television programs, including CNBC, FOX and CBC. What I like about Dr.K is his ability to share profound knowledge for improving relationships.  He tells insightful stories, wraps things in simple models and has catchy ways to remember good rules of thumb.  Without further ado … here’s Dr.K.

My business is all about positive change, about taking what is and making it better, by improving, enhancing, simplifying, or taking it to the next level.  For the past three decades, in both my coaching practice and my training work, I’ve been observing human behavior in personal and organizational relationships for meaningful patterns of what works and doesn’t work to bring about positive change.  With what I’ve learned, I’ve authored or coauthored 7 books as a result of this research, my last book on influence and persuasion, and my 8th due early next year on building connections.   My most popular work to date is ‘Dealing With People You Can’t Stand.’
Recently, at J.D.’s request, I gave some thought to what I consider to be the top ten lessons I’ve learned about bringing out the best in people.  This article is my first take on the topic.  The list might change given more time, but this is my initial thinking on the subject. I’d like to know what you think of the list!

Summary of Lessons Learned

• Lesson #1:  Make Useful Assumptions
• Lesson #2  Assume Positive Intent
• Lesson #3:  Know What You Want
• Lesson #4:  Meet People Where They Are
• Lesson #5:  Listen To Go Deep
• Lesson #6:  Choose Your Words Carefully
• Lesson #7:  Relationships Are About Perception
• Lesson #8:  Project and Expect The Best
• Lesson #9: Keep Your Wits About You
• Lesson #10: Create Change In Stages

Lesson #1:  Make Useful Assumptions
Assumptions determine behavior.  Behavior produces experiences.  Experiences reinforce initial assumptions.  And whatever you assume to be true, you act like it’s true and look for proof.  This is the loop of self fulfilling prophecy, or what I like to call the ‘nature of sanity.’   Sanity is that mental state in which you think you know who you are, where you are, and in general, what’s going on.    Said another way, you get to be right about whatever you assume to be true, and being right is the booby prize in communication. (Booby prize = the prize given to losers when someone else wins)

The challenge with assumptions is to make useful ones rather than limiting ones.  A useful assumption gives you enough informed perspective on your own behavior and the behavior of others that you can engage in behaviors that lead to worthwhile outcomes.  Limiting assumptions inhibit your creativity and resourcefulness, trigger negative reactions in you, and cause you to engage in behaviors that lead to limiting yet self-fulfilling outcomes.  “I knew he wouldn’t listen.”  “I knew she didn’t care.”   Did you?  Then you win the booby prize, which is the prize the losers get.

Now you may be thinking, “Yeah, but what if I AM right?”  Well, what if?  Does it help you or hinder you to be right?  If you must assume something,  assume something useful.

Lesson #2  Assume Positive Intent
I find it a useful assumption that people do what they do for a good reason, even the most difficult behavior.  Behavior changes as priorities change, so I’ve identified four general positive intentions that you can assign to people in almost any situation to good effect.  They are action, accuracy, approval and appreciation.

When action is your highest priority, your awareness of other people becomes peripheral, or limited to that which is necessary to accomplish your aim.   If things are taking too long, you may become careless and aggressive, leaping before you look, and speaking without thinking first.  Others perceive this as pushy behavior.

When accuracy is your highest priority, you will slow things down in order to see the details, and you may refuse to take action because of a particular doubt about the consequences. If you’re afraid of something going wrong, you will find fault and point out problems. Others may perceive this as ‘being negative.’

When gaining approval is your intent, you’ll put their needs above your own.  And if you’re concerned about disapproval, you may say yes when you mean no, or maybe when a decision is called for. Others may perceive this as being unreliable.

When gaining recognition drives you, you need a higher level of assertiveness in order to be seen, heard, and recognized. If it seems you’re unrecognized or ignored, you may act out, explode in anger, take credit where it isn’t due or misrepresent something so as not to appear undeserving.   Others may perceive this as distracting and disruptive.

Each of these intents has a time and place in our lives. Recognize these intents in others and you can speak to their need, lower their stress and increase their receptivity to your communication.  Recognize your own intent and you can more easily ask for what you need from others. Balanced, you can reduce stress and improve communication effectiveness.

Lesson #3:  Know What You Want
The first question a doctor is taught to ask a patient is, “What is your chief complaint?” or “What’s wrong?” Everyone has the answer to that kind of question.  Everybody knows what they don’t want, including you. Complaining is easy.  But when you’re unhappy and stuck, I can you what your problem is.  The problem is that if all you know is what you don’t want, you will get more of it.  The challenge in life, and in communication specifically, is to define a direction, and organize yourself around that outcome.  You’ve heard the expression, “Begin with the end in mind.”  Knowing your desired outcome is a fundamental key to purposeful and productive interpersonal behavior.

Lesson #4:  Meet People Where They Are
What is it about people that makes some so easy to relate to, and others so difficult to deal with?  United We Stand, Divided We Can’t Stand Each other.   Conflict occurs when the emphasis in an interaction or a relationship is on the differences between people.  You get along better with people when you build on a foundation of similarities between you. The difference between conflict with a friend and conflict with a difficult person, is that with a friend the conflict is tempered by the common ground you share.  Success in communication depends on finding common ground before attempting to redirect the interaction toward a new outcome.  People reduce differences naturally when they share a common vision, care about each other, or want to deepen a relationship. We do this with facial expressions, animation and body posture, with our voice volume and speed, and conceptually with our words. But as natural as it is with people that you like or share an objective with, it may stop when you perceive someone or something as difficult. The key to this lesson is that no one cooperates with anyone who seems to be against them. People need to know “Are you with me or not?”  Seek common ground.

Lesson #5:  Listen To Go Deep
If you’re going to bother to listen to someone, then listen to go deep.  There are at least four great reasons to do this.  First, people want to be heard and understood when they talk.   Second, people like to hear themselves talk.  Even shy people, who may like it so much they save it for special occasions!  Let them talk, you get some credit for their enjoyment.   Third, people are drawn to people who listen.  The most effective leaders, managers, parents and teachers are great listeners, and the result is that they can respond to what’s going on sooner than those who weren’t listening.  But the most compelling reason to listen well is that often, people don’t know what they’re talking about.  This accounts for all the ironic and paradoxical communications that you hear.  If they don’t know what they’re talking about, and neither do you, listening well gives both of you a chance to find out.

Lesson #6:  Choose Your Words Carefully
I value words.  When I was a medical student, my mentor told me that two abilities distinguish the exceptional doctor from the acceptable doctor, knowing how to listen and how to talk.  Why?  “Because most patients would get better if their doctors would just listen to them, and most doctors make their patients sick by the way they talk to them.” Words well chosen help people turn knowledge into action.  They have the power to motivate, stir memory and vision. And words that spring from a narrowed mind can polarize a situation.  Words that carry too much certainty and importance can build a wall.  And words spoken without thought can complicate your true meaning.   You can say more with less, and achieve more with less, if you choose your words carefully.

Lesson #7:  Relationships Are About Perception
Ever been told,  “You’re not listening to me!”  but you heard them say it?  Obviously, you were listening, yet somehow, they failed to perceive it.   If you don’t know how people see you, hear you and think about what you say,  or what they need to see, hear and experience in order to consider what you say, what you don’t know can hurt you. Everything you say and do is filtered by perception, which results from a mental process called generalization, where little things add up–both the good and the bad.   Why leave this to chance?  Instead, add perception to what you do by asking for feedback.  First, create context by saying your desired result.   “I want to be the best manager you’ve ever had.”  “I want our service to exceed your expectations.”  “I want to be considered for a promotion.”  Then ask for help.   “I can’t do that without your help.”   Then find out what you’re doing that you could do better, what you’re not doing that you should be doing, and what you’re doing that you should stop doing.  Most importantly, ask for the evidence that would tell them that you were or weren’t doing what they tell you.   You can use the same basic approach in giving feedback, too.  Give people a good reason to hear you.  “I want you to succeed at your job.”  “I want to have a strong working relationship with you.”  “I want to be able to count on you in trying times.”  Then offer your help.   Small understandings lead to powerful generalizations.  Perception is everything.

Lesson #8:  Project and Expect The Best
People get defensive when you tell them they’re doing something wrong. You can minimize this by giving them the benefit of the doubt and projecting the best, even when they do things you hope they never do again.  Fact is, most people rise or fall to the level of your expectations. This phenomenon has been used by exceptional teachers to turn average students into exceptional ones, by loving wives to turn angry husbands into loving ones, and by stellar managers to turn poorly performing employees into stellar ones.  When you talk to someone like they are capable of better than they are behaving, they tend to rush to behave in a way that makes that projection true. When a person does something you don’t like, you may be tempted to think or say “That’s the problem with you. ”  Instead, learn to say “That’s not like you!” and then tell them how you want them to be, as if they already are.  Use this same approach to reinforce good behavior, no matter how unusual it actually is.  “That’s what I like about you,” and then describe the positive behavior as a way of reinforcing their identification with it.  By the way, one of the things I like about you is that you’re smart enough to understand and implement my list of 10 lessons!  So on to the next one…

Lesson #9: Keep Your Wits About You
People would rather be around someone with a smile in their heart than someone with heartburn in their heart.   While too much clowning is disruptive and distracting, a little humor can make someone’s day.  Finding humor and sharing it is one of the simplest ways to keep your wits about you.  Good humor breaks down the barriers that keep us divided and polarized, and builds bridges to bring us together.  Humor discharges resistance, overcomes stubbornness, and creates opportunity for dialog.  We open presentations with humor to attract interest.  We insert something a little foolish into a meeting to put people on common footing.  We do something fun together to create an atmosphere of goodwill that is conducive to meaningful communication.  In other words, good humor is a powerful tool for the person serious about creating positive change.

But not all humor is fun, and bad humor is one of the fastest ways to put people in a bad mood, undermine relationships, create hard feelings, offend sensibilities, poison an atmosphere and destroy what could have been a great event, project, team, business, or community.   If it is tasteless, please spare us, unless you know us and know that our taste runs all the way to tasteless.  Seriously, folks.  If you want to know more about light heartedness, pay attention. Because funny happens all the time.

Lesson #10: Create Change In Stages
People don’t suddenly change their behavior.  First they have to change their mind.  Change happens in stages, and the first stage is ignorance, that state of mind where you don’t know what you don’t know. There are three kinds of ignorance that keep people from changing.

1. They don’t know change is an option.
2. They don’t know why they should choose change.
3. They don’t know how to go about it.

I assume ignorance any time I want to help someone change. It may not to be true, but it forces you not to get too far ahead of yourself, and serves as a reminder to speak clearly, carefully, and coherently in order to bring someone to the next stage, recognition. It’s that moment when people see the light, then seek out and become receptive to new information about options, opportunities and possibilities, and ask about how to go forward.

Provide what is missing and you’re in the next stage, planning.  This is the mentoring and modeling stage, where a person begins to organize the new information, access resources, and plot a course. Many change efforts fall in this stage, because the plan was premature. That’s not a signal to jump to the worst conclusions (they didn’t really mean it, they’re incapable of change, etc.) but instead, identify the area of ignorance and restart the cycle.

Now you’re in the action stage, and action happens one step at a time.  People making a change need reassurance and encouragement to go forward. And don’t be surprised if there are a few false starts, because when people try something new, things rarely go as expected.

The last stage of change is making a habit, because we are creatures of habit. Habit is created through repetition and intensity. It is a mistake to expect people to go from ignorance to habit in a single step. Don’t push the river, because change happens one stage at a time.
Bringing out the best in people is one of my favorite things to do, and I hope it has this effect on you. I’m eager to read your additions to the list too!

Additional Resources

• Dr. K’s Blog
• The Art of Change (Site)
• About Dr. Rick Kirschner (Bio)

Some of Dr. K’s information products

• Free Audio (Dealing with Difficult People)
• Dr. K’s Blogstore