“One learns peoples through the heart, not the eyes or the intellect.” — Mark Twain

If you have a mental model for communication, then you can move your way up the communication stack more effectively.   You can also avoid more communication conflict.  You can also work on your communication skills more effectively.  That’s the true power of a simple model.

I was flipping through my old interpersonal skills book from college to find a simple model.  It’s a great book, the research is sound, but I found the model a little more complicated than what I wanted to share.

Instead, I’ll simply share how we tend to practice the different levels of communication in the halls of Microsoft.  I’ll simply call out the five levels that are easy to observe and actually put your finger on.  They are easy to identify because it’s where great leaders poke and prod to figure out where things are in terms of understanding, agreement, and action.

If you can see it, you can change it.  Here is a simple mental model for communication.

The 5 Levels of Communication

Here are the five levels that are easy to observe in practice:

1. Level 1.  Sending.
2. Level 2.  Receiving.
3. Level 3.  Understanding.
4. Level 4.  Agreement.
5. Level 5.  Action.

While there is overlap, and in real-life things are rarely that sequential, you can broadly think of it in terms of moving up the stack from sending and receiving messages, to understanding, then upward toward agreement, and finally action.

Communicating Your Way Up the Communication Stack

If you know the levels, then you can easily start to troubleshoot where things are broken down, or where you need to improve.  Here are some notes and insights for the different levels.

• Level 1.  Sending.  At this level, you simply send, transmit, or share your message.  Whether this is an email, or a  face-to-face conversation, you simply sent our message.  Just because you sent your message, doesn’t mean it was heard, read, or understood.  Where some people fail is they send emails or give our orders and think that was communicating.   If you don’t care about whether your message lands, or whether you have buy in, or if there are any concerns, then stopping here makes perfect sense.  If, on the other hand, you do care that the recipient heard you or read your message, understands what you want or mean, and leads to some sort of agreement or action, and has a level of buy in, then you have more work to do.
• Level 2.  Receiving.  This is where the message is received.  This is where an acknowledgement helps. As the sender, you can ask whether they read your message, or if it’s face-to-face, you can ask them to play back what they heard.
• Level 3.  Understanding.   This is where a lot of communication conflict or breakdowns happen.  You don’t have to agree at this stage.  What’s important is to first make sure the message is understood.  If you are the sender, then this is where you want to really check that your message is understood through playback. You can simply ask the receiver to play back what they heard.  What you said, may not be what they heard.  If you are the receiver and you want to practice your empathic listening skills, this is a great place to say, “What I hear you saying is …”, and check that you heard the message as it was intended.   This is also a great place to get any concerns on the table.  It’s also a great place to hear both sides, if there is more than one side.  Often there might seem like there are multiple sides, but often this is just different perspectives.  This is when people talk past each other.  A simple rule of thumb here from a Covey standpoint is, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
• Level 4.  Agreement.  This is a perfect place to practice everything you’ve learned about playing well with others.  It’s the perfect place to focus on wants, needs, and concerns.  From a Covey standpoint, it’s a perfect place to seek the “win win”, or find “the 3rd alternative.”  From a John Wooden standpoint, it’s the perfect place to “agree to disagree”, if need be, and just because you don’t agree, does not mean you have to be disagreeable.
• Level 5.  Action.  This is a great outcome for great communication.  It leads to some sort of action or decision.   This is a spectrum of action from “now is not the time” to “who does what when” with increasing clarity.   Sometimes the best action simply is a decision that both parties agree to.

You can use the five levels of communication to troubleshoot your communication skills.

Best Books on Communication Skills

Here are some relevant book recommendations you can use to help you master your communication skills:

• Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
• Crucial Confrontations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
• Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst , by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner

You Might Also Like

• 5 Conflict Management Styles at a Glance
• Best Books on Communication Skills (A comprehensive list)
• Poor Communication Isn’t the Source of Most Conflict
• The Iceberg of Conflict: A Lens for Conflict Management

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Eric Brun on lessons learned from the book, Crucial Conversations. Eric is a colleague at Microsoft, and he leads a development team.  As you can imagine, there are a lot of high intensity scenarios, with tough deadlines, conflicting opinions, and different communication styles.  I asked Eric to share his insights and actions he learned from applying the Crucial Conversations model to work and life.

It is a few years ago, as I was working on communication and influence that I met J.D. I got to tell you, it was one the most intense and exciting conversations in my life. As I was telling him I was looking for a way to deal with conflict, sometimes finding myself in situations where my emotions were limiting my effectiveness. He mentioned “Crucial Conversations” as a very good reading.

Our Reptile Brain Doesn’t Always Help

One of the ideas that had a lasting impact on me, is that we have two brains: our Sapiens brain and our reptilian brain.   While thinking about it back home, I realized that was the heart of the issue.  The reptilian brain helped us to survive by short-circuiting the low-speed complex Sapiens brain.  It did this by putting us in a “fight-or-flight mode.” This was useful to escape a saber tooth tiger, but in a civilized setting, such as a business meeting or a family dinner, it doesn’t serve us very well.

I could recognize situations where I was not very proud of my achievements. For example, these were some situations where I was entrapped in silence, and could not find my words.   On the other end of the spectrum, I would feel mad and have angry arguments.

Stakes are High, Opinions Vary, and Emotions Run Strong

When I reviewed he situations, they had three things in common:

1. The subject was important to me.
2. I was feeling strong emotions.
3. The heat was intense

In the book Crucial Conversation, the authors define a crucial conversation as a discussion between two or more people where stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong.

Crucial conversations generally precede “crucial confrontations.”  With a  crucial conversation, the goal is to discover the problem, work through the problem during the conversation, and get to an agreement.  With crucial confrontations, you are dealing with broken promises, such as when the agreement is not honored.

While the scenarios and intensity may vary, both crucial conversations and crucial confrontations are based on the same principles and work in a similar way.

Recognize the Signs

First, you need to recognize the signs. What happens when the reptilian brain takes control? …

In fight mode, you feel heat, and you raise your voice.

In flight mode, you might feel anxious, and retreat in silence.

Even if you try to control or negate your feelings, they are most likely going to act up and probably not at the best moment.

Get Prepared

To get prepared, you need to do your homework.  This includes collecting the facts, defining what you really want, and mastering your stories. Stories are those intentions that we think people have and which alter our perception.

The authors propose a powerful yet simple mental exercise to master your stories.   They suggest, ask yourself why a decent, respectful person would think or do that?  I would add: “question one’s own virtue” as proposed in the excellent Leadership and self-deception.

I have found for myself that these thoughts have a profound impact.   They bring a calm and open mind.

Establish Safety and Create a Shared Pool of Meaning

There are two very important concepts:

1. Establish Safety — Establish safety by seeking mutual purpose and showing respect. The more respect you can actually, genuinely feel, the easier the conversation. Mutual purpose comes from looking at what is really important (do you care more about “wining the argument” or creating a “win-win” outcome?) and genuine respect makes you really persuasive as well as more resistant to cutting remarks that can burst out – especially before your interlocutor is convinced of your intentions.
2. Create a “shared pool” of meaning.  The “shared pool” of meaning is the ideas and understandings. This is the material from which solutions will emerge.

Who Does What, and By When

When the crucial conversation comes to an end, it’s important to get to an action-oriented conclusion. This means defining with clarity, “who” does “what” and “by when”. It’s really important to have the discipline to define all three.  Defining all three helps avoid ambiguity and future frustration.

Command, Consult, Vote, or Consensus

The authors identify four ways that require increasing efforts and time:

1. Command
2. Consult
3. Vote
4. Establish consensus.

Personally, I was almost always seeking consensus, until I understood it was probably more costly and less efficient. Then I started exploring and using vote, consult, and command. These additional options  really made a big difference, both at work and at home.  For example, in some scenarios, I now appreciate the fast decisions and clear instructions as part of a command style.  And I’m often surprised that it makes the situation easier for others, especially when they are looking for direction.

Honesty, Respect, and Courage

What I like in the Crucial Conversations model is that it is based on honesty, respect, and courage (Yes, getting into a Crucial Conversation in a calm and willful way requires courage). In addition, the model is simple, applicable, and highly effective.

I first applied the Crucial Conversations model at home, telling myself I should practice a bit before trying it out at work. That was probably one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.  I learned that being able to have crucial conversations at home is just as important, if not more important, than on the job.

"If you have to be right, you’re doing it wrong." — Dr. Rick Kirschner

When it comes to people skills, Dr. Rick Kirschner (Dr.K) sets the bar.  He’s co-author of the best-selling book, Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst , and for three decades he’s helped advance the field of personal and organizational development.

Dr. K’s super skill is interpersonal communication, and he specializes in persuasion and influence.  As an author, speaker, and coach, Dr. K has helped thousands of people turn conflict into cooperation, improve their personal influence and impact, and deal with unwanted communication patterns in their personal and professional lives.

If you haven’t seen Dr. K’s work before, prepare to be amazed.  You’ll wonder where he’s been all your life.  The beauty is that not only has he mastered the domain of interpersonal skills, he’s blazed a trail and has shared his work through many blog posts, and through his information products.  As you explore Dr. K’s work, one thing to keep in mind is that the time you invest improving your communication skills will pay you back on a daily basis.  It’s one of the simplest, but most effective ways to improve the quality of your life.

As you read his work, you’ll realize not only is Dr. K the real deal, but he’s a nice guy, and he genuinely likes to see people succeed.

25 Lessons Learned from Dr. Kirschner
Here are 25 lessons learned from Dr. K you can instantly use to improve your communication skills:

1. Persuasion is like magic.  When you don’t know how it’s done, it creates a sense of wonder.   It’s like magic.  Once you know how it’s done, it loses some of the wonder.  However, you can shift focus to mastering the techniques and enjoying the process.
2. Know the three steps to persuasion.  According to Dr. K, there are three steps to persuasion:  1) Meet people where they are, 2) First understand them, and 3) Then speak to their needs, interests and motivations. 
3. Focus on behavior over personality types.  Rather than focus on personality types or personality profiling, focus on context and behaviors, and remember that people change their behaviors based on the situation or context they are in.  Dr. K says, “My approach is behavior based rather than personality based, in that it is based on the useful assumption that a person’s needs (and thus, style of communicating) change depending on the context (time of day, location, who they are interacting with, what they want or don’t want, etc.) Sometimes more extroverted, sometimes more introverted. Sometimes more direct, sometimes more indirect.”
4. Recognize a person’s needs-style: “task focus” vs. “people focus.” You can improve your ability to influence if you blend your behavior with a person’s needs-style.  To understand a person’s needs-style, you need to listen to what a person talks about and how directly they talk about it.   When a person is “task-focused,” they talk about what they are doing.   When a person is “people focused”, they will talk more about the people around them or their feelings about the situation.  Dr. K says, “A person focused more on a task than on people may pay more attention to the end result of the task than the details they encounter along the way. … A person focused more on people than on a task may express more interest in the opinions and feelings of others, or in their own opinions and feelings.”  
5. Recognize the four communication needs: action, accuracy, approval and appreciation.  According to Dr. K, there are four basic intents or communication needs: 1) action, 2) accuracy, 3) approval, and 4) appreciation.   You’ll recognize the need for action when a person is focused on the end result of an interaction or an idea.  You’ll recognize a person has a need for accuracy when a person is indirect and focused on the details of an interaction or an idea.  You’ll recognize the need for approval when a person speaks indirectly and expresses concern for the opinions and feelings of others.  You’ll recognize a need for appreciation when a person is focused more on her own thoughts and feelings than the thoughts and feelings of others.  Remember that behavior keeps changing so you’ll need to keep paying attention in order to notice the change. 
6. Speak to the four communication needs.   Once you recognize which of the four communication needs somebody is speaking with (action, accuracy, approval, or appreciation), you can speak to the need.  To speak to action, get to the point (“cut to the chase”.)  This might include being commanding or authoritative.  To speak to accuracy, speak indirectly and give the details (go “step-by-step”)   This might include asking questions or making long statements to establish facts or stimulate thinking.  To speak to approval, speak in a friendly, indirect, and considerate way (use relationship language, like ‘we’, ‘us’, ‘you and me’, and ‘the team’.)  To speak to appreciation, speak directly, with energy and enthusiasm (create a spotlight effect.) 
7. Blend your behavior to improve rapport.    Blending is one of the simplest things you can do to improve your communication effectiveness.  Dr. K recommends blending your behavior to reduce differences and send signals of similarity.  You can blend with your body by matching body posture and facial expressions or you can blend with your voice by matching tone, volume, tempo, etc.  You can also blend by matching somebody’s communication needs.
8. Know what you want.   There are multiple ways to achieve what you want.  In order to stay flexible in your approach, you need to first figure out what you want to accomplish.  This is especially true when it comes to communication and persuasion.  Dr. K says, "That’s why the challenge in life, and in communication specifically, is to define a direction, and organize yourself around that outcome.  You need to know what you are aiming towards, what you intend to achieve, and why you intend to achieve it, or you just keep cycling back to the easy stuff, the complaints, problems, and obstacles that you can’t seem to avoid."
9. Assumptions create self-fulfilling prophecies.   When you make assumptions, it’s usually easy to find evidence that supports you assumption because the blinders are on.  The key is to recognize that you have assumptions and test them.  Dr. K says, “Once you make an assumption (about yourself, about others, about situations, etc.) you inevitably will act as if your assumption is true.  And your actions will have effects, in that you will find evidence in order to have the experience that your assumption is true.“
10. Make useful assumptions rather than limiting ones.  Assumptions help us deal with overload and help us avoid being overwhelmed.  Knowing that we make and use assumptions every day, make useful assumptions over limiting ones.  According to Dr. K, “A useful assumption gives you enough informed perspective on your own behavior and the behavior of others that you can engage in behaviors that lead to worthwhile outcomes.  A limiting assumption holds you back, ties you down, and traps you into self-defeating and counterproductive behavior.”
11. Assume positive intent.  One useful assumption is assuming positive intent.  If you assume the worst in people, you’ll bring out the worst.  If you treat somebody like a jerk, chances are they’ll act like a jerk.  Instead, expect the best and improve the chances that you’ll get their best behavior, at least when dealing with you.  Dr. K says, “…people do what they do for a good reason.  Even the worst behaviors serve a purpose the person considers a good one.  People engage in behaviors based on their intent, and do what they do based on what seems to be most important in any given moment.” 
12. Start with your points then find supporting data.  When you need to persuade, don’t throw a bunch of numbers at people.  Make your point, then back it up with data.  Don’t  make people fish through the numbers to try and figure out what your point might be.
13. Appeal to logical listeners using facts and figures.  When you’re persuading logical listeners, facts, data, and statistics can be effective.   It’s effective because they are making decisions based on reason and they are making sense of the data you present to support your argument.  To be effective, make sure your facts and figures are easy to understand.
14. Appeal to emotional listeners using vivid language.  When you’re persuading emotional listeners, they will likely tune out facts and figures unless it’s interesting or shocking insight.  For emotional listeners, use examples, metaphors, and vivid imagery to be more effective.
15. Add persuasion signals to increase your persuasive power.  Persuasion Signals are “signals” or short-cuts for the listener on how to act.   While a logical thinker will be looking for facts and details, an emotional thinker is looking for shortcuts and signals about the worth and meaning of an idea.  According to Dr. K, there are seven persuasion signals to draw from:   1) The Signal of Affinity, 2) The Signal of Comparison, 3) The Signal of Conformity, 4)  The Signal of Reciprocity, 5) The Signal of Authority, 6) The Signal of Consistency, 7) The Signal of Scarcity.
16. Know the ten types of difficult people.    Dr. K and team identify 10 types of difficult people in the Dealing with People You Can’t Stand.  The ten types of difficult people are: 1) Grenade Person, 2) Know-It-All, 3) Maybe Person, 4) No Person, 5) Nothing Person, 6) Sniper, 7) Tank, Think-They-Know-It-All, 9) Whiners, 10) Yes Person.  The types are actually names of behaviors and you can use the types as a lens to understand both yourself and the behavior of other people.
17. Shared values hold you together.   "I believe the most powerful common ground in relationships is that of shared values. If you and another person believe or think the same kinds of things and experiences are important, you’ll be able to work together to problem solve and share the positive results after. If you deem the same things to be the important things, when divisions arise, your shared values will hold you together." 
18. Build relationships on common ground.    According to Dr. K, the key to long-term relationships is building on common ground.  Dr. K says, “Couples who build their relationships on the common ground of values can survive all kinds of life cycle events, even thrive, in spite of the differences that inevitably arise. But couples that lack shared values are likely doomed, regardless of how much else they have in common, to fight over and eventually move away from each other because of the lack of this basic bond.”
19. Blend with behavior when values are different. When you’re faced with a conflict of values, one of the best ways to stay connected is to blend with behavior, since clearly you aren’t connecting at the values.  Dr. K says,“That’s where we send signals to others that we are on the same side. Since we people are more alike than different anyway, finding common ground ought to be a fairly simple proposition. Yet most people find it incredibly hard to do when their attention is on the differences that divide us one from another. That’s why the idea of blending is to move to common ground as quickly as possible.” 
20. When somebody decides not to help, find somebody else.   Sometimes in customer service, you might find somebody who has already decided not to help.  In those cases, see if you can escalate or find somebody else to talk to that might empathize with you.
21. Focus on logical consequences over punitive responses. Rather than punish people after the fact, give them a way to succeed up front, by setting expectations up front.   Make the path and consequences as clear as you can.  According to Dr.K, “Logical consequences, on the other hand, are imposed results.  If you do X, I’ll do Y.  If you do A, I’ll do B.  When you tell a child, or a person acting like a child, what they can expect as a result of their actions, you are telling them about a consequence of their action.  If you then do what you say you will do, they learn to respect your word about those consequences.  This is very different than a punitive response to something you don’t like, which has the form of, “Because you did X, I’m going to do Y.”  The problem with punitive reactions is they don’t provide people with an opportunity to change.  They do, however, give people a reason to resent you, rebel against you, and polarize the situation against you further.” 
22. Free up your inner-change artist with “What if?” and “What, then?” questions.   Dr. K says, “What matters is, where do you want to go, and what is one small step forward that you can take in order to get there.  To create positive change.  And the beauty of life is there is always a next step.   How is it possible to find that small step forward?  Well, change artists do it by asking themselves ‘What if? and ‘What, then?’ questions.”
23. Backtrack before asking questions.   Backtracking is simply echoing back what you heard.  This shows that you’re listening and that you care.  Backtracking helps you build trust and it helps the other person feel heard.  By backtracking before you ask questions, it shows that you are fully engaged and attempting to clarify and understand.   This also gives the other person a chance to correct you to make sure you’ve heard something the way they intend.  This sets the stage for asking more effective questions, while staying connected.
24. Ask what behavior would you replace it with? Rather than focus on what you don’t want somebody to do, focus on what you would like them to do instead.  Dr. K says, “Remember, nature hates a vacuum and you cannot replace something with nothing. That makes it more difficult to create positive change for you and for your organization.  If you don’t want him to do what he’s doing, what behavior would you him to replace it with?.”
25. Expand the scope of your input.  If you only listen or watch or pay attention to what you already know, then you limit your world.   Expand your horizons by taking in input from a variety sources outside yoru comfort zone.  Dr. K says, “Change the stations, read watch or listen to something that you disagree with. Challenge your views in order to gain access to information that exists outside of your comfort zone. This way you can expand the scope of your input. You can bring into your awareness other options, other interpretations and possibilities. These other possibilities provide you with what you need to better understand your world and give you sufficient information to influence it for the better.” 

These lessons are just a tip of the iceberg.  Dr. K is a true wealth of pragmatic insight you can apply in work and life.

Kirschner’s Motivational Model
One of the ways to make sense of what you see is to use a lens.  Dr. K has a lens for understanding people’s drivers and motivations.  It’s Kirschner’s Motivational Model:

Dr. K’s motivational model is a set of six motivational sets.  Each set is a spectrum of what we move toward, and what we move away from.   According to Dr. K, our drivers are a blend of the motivational sets above, and our motivations are ultimately contextual and depend on what we’re doing and who we’re with.

Quotes
Dr. K has a great way of sharing insight in the form of pithy prose.  Here is a handful of some of his quotable quotes:

• “A good model allows us to do things, try things, organize our perceptions to find out useful and interesting things. And the cool thing about a model is that it doesn’t have to be true, it just has to work.”
• “Change artists start with the really big What If’s, and work their way back to the details of their own lives.”
• “Change is inevitable, but progress is not.”
• “Change your mind. Change your life. Change your world.”
• “Don’t get mad. Get smart!”
• “Every question, every statement, has a consequence and in this way you can and do shape the thoughts of others. You always have an impact!”
• “Every time you ask a question or make a statement to someone, you are participating in his or her thought process.”
• “First, change your attitude, and then change your behavior.  To change your attitude, and thus stop suffering, you must learn to look, think and feel differently about difficult behavior.”
• “Flexibility means having more than one choice, and getting feedback instead of failure.”
• “How are you going to change what you’re doing in the present in order to get that different outcome in the future?”
• "I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, ‘Think outside the box.” Here’s my version of that. ‘Don’t get in the box in the first place.’"
• “If all you know is what you don’t want, you will get more of it.”
• “If there’s going to be a future worth living in, I think you will find more than enough agreement from most everybody that much needs to change.”
• “If you don’t want ‘that’, what do you want?”
• “In your life, think of the opportunities squandered, the resources wasted, and the money and income lost because the right person at the right time lacked the persuasive skill to persuade the key people to take the necessary actions.”
• “It’s based on my observation that  people do what they do for a good reason.  Even the worst behaviors serve a purpose the person considers a good one.”
• “Just as people choose what to wear from a variety of clothing styles (such as formal-wear, office-wear, or weekend-wear), so people choose from a variety of behaviors that are situational dependent.”
• “Not all situations are resolvable.  And some are just not worth it.  Cutting your losses remains a viable option when dealing with difficult behavior.”
• “Persuasion finds it’s power in meeting people where they are and then engaging them in such a way that they move with you when you move forward.”
• “Recognize that fear is as irrational as it is necessary, and perhaps wisdom is learning the difference  about when to act on it versus when to act in spite of it.”
• “Sometimes, that means you must accept the unacceptable, in order to move with it and take charge over it. Only then can you redirect whatever is aimed at you towards your desired result.”
• “What if anything is possible, and all that’s required of any of us is to be true to ourselves and find our next small step forward?”
• “Why more than one choice?  Because if you only know one way to do something, you’ll always have to do it, even if it doesn’t work!”
• “You cannot not influence people.”
• “You’ve got to know how to protect yourself from unscrupulous people with hidden agendas who use ignorance and emotion to bring about negative ends.”

Catalog of Dr. K’s Resources (Sites, Books, Videos)
Dr. K has a wide range of resources, from blog posts to books.  For simple scanning, I organized Dr. K’s collection of resources into the following buckets: key links, audio, books, eBooks, ten-minute tune ups, videos, and popular posts.

If you happen to have a story or lesson on how Dr. K made an impact on you, I’d love to hear about it in the comments.

My Related Posts

• Lessons Learned from Guy Kawasaki
• Lessons Learned  from Seth Godin
• Lessons Learned from Tony Robbins

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Eduard Ezeanu.  Eduard blogs at People Skills Decoded and is a communication’s coach with an attitude-based approach.  Here’s Eduard on his top 10 lessons learned in improving communication.

When I was a teenager, I became interested at one point in consciously improving my communication skills, and joined the debate club in my high-school. I quickly realized the extraordinary results that good communication skills can help you achieve, and I got addicted. Soon after, I also started helping others put their best foot forward in communication.

Now, over a decade later, there are certain key lessons about effective communication which have become crystal clear in my mind. I see them manifest in every interaction between two human beings. Here are the top 10 of these lessons:

• Lesson #1: Communication is Like a Muscle.
• Lesson #2: You’re Overrating Your Communication Skills.
• Lesson #3: Good Communication Can Compensate Bad Communication.
• Lesson #4: Talk to the Point.
• Lesson #5. Be Clear.
• Lesson #6: Ask!
• Lesson #7: Be Yourself.
• Lesson #8: Listen Instead of Assuming.
• Lesson #9: Don’t Argue for the Sake of Arguing.
• Lesson #10. Smile!

Lesson #1. Communication is Like a Muscle.
The more you use it, the more it develops. This doesn’t mean that just by communicating you automatically improve your communication skills every time; applying certain principles and seeking to improve is also important. But the basics are in actually practicing, in interacting with people as much as you can.

Lesson #2: You’re Overrating Your Communication Skills.
There are two things which happen a lot in relation with communication: one is that almost everybody agrees that most people need to improve their communication skills, the other is that almost nobody believes they have this problem. It’s very possible that your communication skills need work, and it’s best to take this into account.

Lesson #3: Good Communication Can Compensate Bad Communication.
If you deal with people with bad communication skills, the situation is not hopeless. To a great extent, you can still get the kind of results you want, if you have good enough communication skills to balance things out. Just focus on your side of things.

Lesson #4: Talk to the Point.
Probably the most common mistake in communication is losing the attention of the people you’re talking to, because you’ve stopped saying something relevant for them. Always keep your target in mind and adapt the content of your communication so it’s relevant for whoever you are talking with.

Lesson #5. Be Clear.
General, fuzzy words don’t have much practical use in communication. They’re mostly a way of talking without saying much. Focus on using very specific and precise words when you talk, in order to present your thoughts in as a precise manner as you can. This improves your chance to be understood and to be convincing when you interact with others.

Lesson #6. Ask!
I can’t even begin to describe how much most people sabotage themselves in communication by not asking clearly for the things they want. We tend to avoid expressing our own needs or wants, or we fail to express them clearly.  Instead, we hope that someone will simply address our needs and wants the way we want. This is a terrible strategy. If you want something, ask for it clearly. That’s what confident and effective people do.

Lesson #7: Be Yourself.
Communication can be used as a way to create a false impression about yourself. And this has some benefits but overall, it is just another bad strategy in relating with others. Instead, use communication as a way to express your true self, without regrets and without excuses. Authentic communication is the way to build great partnerships and overall, and to get the best results.

Lesson #8: Listen Instead of Assuming.
We will often stop listening to what a person has to say when her words seem familiar and we think we know what else she has to say. But we often jump to the wrong conclusions, and we end up misunderstanding others. Each person has unique experiences, and they will express them in unique ways. Listen to them instead of assuming before you respond.

Lesson #9: Don’t Argue for the Sake of Arguing.
This is something I see all the time: a person expresses an opinion and another person who has a different opinion instantly contradicts them. There is no practical benefit in converting this person to their side, and it’s improbable that they will, but they stubbornly try nonetheless. There are times to argue, when there is practical value in doing this. But these are the exceptions rather than the rules.

Lesson #10. Smile!
It’s such a simple act, which can communicate so many positive things, and can brighten up somebody’s day. Smiling is generally the act of the confident and the happy. It creates subtle but powerful effects and it’s something I recommend that you practice consciously each day.

And of course, whatever lessons you put into practice in your communication, remember to enjoy the process. It can be as meaningful as the destination of having cutting edge communication skills.

Additional Resources

• People Skills Decoded (Eduard’s Blog)
• About Eduard Ezeanu (Bio)
• VIP Lifestyle: A System with People for Creating Your Ultimate Lifestyle (Free eBook)

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One of the most helpful frames we’ve found at work for focusing meetings or presentations is:

1. Know – What do you want them to know?
2. Believe – What do you want them to believe?
3. Do – What do you want them to do?

For example, when our patterns & practices team at Microsoft would prepare to give a business review, the team building the slides would brainstorm on the 3 questions above.

I’m a fan of question-driven approaches, and the technique above has proven very effective for focusing a room of passionate people.  Really, you can think of it as creating “shared goals”, just with more precision and focus.  The goal of course, in our case, was “tell an effective story” about what our group does and why execs or business leaders should care.

Personally, I found the simple frame to work for just about any meeting where I need to “sell” an idea or get folks on board.

Photo by Reinante El Pintor de Fuego.

When you name something it’s powerful.  You have a way to reference it and share it with others.  Patterns are named problem and solution pairs.  They are a simple way to build and share a catalog of knowledge.  You can use patterns to efficiently share strategies or principles.  One good name is worth a 1000 words.  Practices are methods or techniques.   They are “how” you do something.   By leveraging patterns and practices, you can improve your ability to get results.  Basically, it’s a way to build a mental toolbox of insight and action to draw from.

Principles
You can think of a principle as a fundamental law or truth.  They can explain how things work or what to expect, such as the law of gravity.   You can also think of principles as internal motivation to do things (i.e. a matter of principle) vs. external rules that compel you and are enforced by threat or punishment.  You can also think in terms of guiding principles.  Guiding principles are strategies or guidelines or rules of thumb that guide your thinking or doing.   You can think of principles as strategies and rules as tactics.   Rather than have a rule or tactic for every situation, you can leverage guiding principles to help you find a solution or response.

The power of principles includes:

• Explaining how things work.
• Explaining what to expect.
• Naming and sharing fundamental laws or truths.
• Naming and sharing guidelines and rules of thumb.

Patterns
You can think of a pattern as a proposed model or a recurring event.  Patterns are all around us.   You can see patterns in nature, in people, and in the shapes of buildings.   You may be familiar with design patterns, behavior patterns, patterns of events, spending patterns, or thought patterns.   You can also think of patterns as a proposed model.  If you’re a dress maker, you might use design patterns as a template to start from.  In software, patterns have been especially effective for documenting and sharing collective knowledge in the field.   Each pattern is a problem and solution pair.  The chunk of advice is structured and includes key information such as the context so you know when to use it or where it applies.  Because patterns are rooted in practice, they are discovered versus created, and as general rule of thumb, it’s not a pattern unless you can point to three examples where the pattern is used in practice.

The power of patterns includes:

• Creating a shared vocabulary.
• Naming and sharing solutions to common problems.
• Sharing principles efficiently.
• Documenting knowledge in a field.

Practices
You can think of practices as methods or techniques.  In other words, it’s a way to do something.  You’ve probably heard the term “best practices.”  While “best” is subjective, the idea is to share the most effective techniques.  On the patterns & practices team, we adopted the term, “proven practices” since some customers didn’t like the term “best practices.”  In our case, proven simply meant we tested the practices we shared for specific scenarios.  At the end of the day, our goal is to find and share practices for customer success.

The power of practices includes:

• Creating a catalog of techniques in a given domain.
• Naming and sharing methods or techniques.
• Sharing expertise more effectively.

Examples of Principles, Patterns, and Practices
The following table shows some examples of principles, patterns, and practices:

Stephen Covey is also a good example in action.  He’s created a shared vocabulary by sharing a set of principles, patterns, and practices in the form of habits: habit 1 – be proactive, habit 2 – begin with the end in mind, habit 3 – put first things first, habit 4 – think win-win, habit 5 – seek first to understand and then to be understood, habit 6 – synergize, habit 7 – sharpen the saw, habit 8 – Find your voice, help others find theirs.

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“What’s their story?” … With one cutting question, my manager exposed the fact a colleague had only one side of the story — their own.

We make up stories every day either to explain our own actions or the actions of others.  What happens when our stories limit us or hurt our relationships?  For example, have you ever jumped to the wrong conclusion about somebody’s actions and later regretted it?  I know I have.

What the experts do is they swap stories.  The trick is separating fact from fiction.  First, they share the facts they know.  The more objective or verifiable the facts are, the better.  The facts help build common ground.  Next, they share their interpretation of those facts.  This is their story.  Then they ask the other person for their version of the story.

It’s a simple technique, but I’m finding swapping stories is very revealing.  Sometimes I’m surprised by my own interpretation of the facts.  Other times, I’m surprised by another person’s interpretation of the facts.  Either way, I consistently find that a thoughtful response is better than an emotional reaction.

The next time you find you just don’t get somebody’s behavior, before jumping to negative conclusions, ask “what’s their story?”

My Related Posts

• Lessons Learned from Per
• Cutting Questions
• Master My Stories

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Knowing the source of conflict is one of the first steps to dealing with it effectively.  It’s easy to blame communication as the source of conflict, but it’s not always the case. 

In fact, it usually isn’t.  For example, communication is the source of conflict when styles get in the way, or there are misunderstandings about intent.  Communication is not the source of conflict when it’s things like how your group is structured, personality clashes, or conflict in values.

In my experience, you can reduce conflict by taking away the threats, creating shared goals, and creating more effective boundaries and interactions as needed.  For situations, you can learn to adapt, adjust or avoid, as well as shift tense to reduce conflict.  I also like John Wooden’s advice here, which is basically, it’s OK to disagree, just don’t be disagreeable.

In the book, The Truth About Managing People…And Nothing But the Truth, author Stephen P. Robbins writes about analyzing sources of conflict.

Key Take Aways

Here are my key take aways:

• Communication is not the real cause of most conflicts.  More conflicts tend to come from structural relationships and personal differences.
• Structural relationships can create conflict.  When groups have competing goals, that’s a setup for conflict.  When people face scarcity of resources, turf wars happen.  Reporting structures can shift ownership, influence, and authority around in ways that can create conflict.
• Personality clashes can create conflict.  This is a case where tolerance and thinking techniques can help, but at the end of the day, some people just don’t like each other.
• Differences in values can create conflict.  You want one thing, somebody else wants another.  This is a fairly common source of conflict.
• Too much communication can cause conflict.  While too little communication cause cause conflict, too much communication can cause conflict too.

Structural Relationships Can Create Conflict

Diverse goals within and across groups can create conflict.  Robbins writes:

“Organizations create job descriptions, specialized work groups, jurisdictional borders, and authority relationships – all with the intent to facilitate coordination.  But in so doing, they separate people and create the potential for conflicts.  For instance, departments within organizations have diverse goals. … When groups within an organization seek diverse ends, some of which are inherently at odds, there is increased potential for conflict.”

Personality Clashes Can Create Conflict

Some personalities just don’t get along.  Robbins writes:

“Did you ever meet individuals to whom you took an immediate disliking?  Most of the opinions you disagreed with.  Even insignificant characteristics – the way they cocked their head when they talked or smirked when they smiled – annoyed you.  We’ve all met people like that.  And many of us have to work with people like this; people whose values or personality clash with our own.”

Differences in Values Can Create Conflict

Conflict in values is a common source of interpersonal conflicts.  Robbins writes:

“So, not surprisingly employees differ on the on the importance they place on general values such as honesty, responsibility, equality and ambition.  They also differ on job-related values such as the importance of family over work or freedom versus authority.  These differences often surface in work-related interactions and create significant interpersonal conflicts.”

Too Much Communication Can Create Conflict Too

It’s called over-communicating for a reason.  Robbins writes:

“The evidence actually demonstrates that the potential for conflict increases when there is too much communication as well as when there’s too little.  Apparently, an increase in communication is functional up to a point, whereupon it’s possible to over-communicate.  Too much information as well as too little can lay the foundation for conflict.”

When Managing Conflict, Look at the Source

Rather than just blame poor communication, look for other potential sources of conflict.  Robbins writes:

“So when you’re trying to manage conflicts, take a thoughtful look at their source.  It’s more likely that the conflict is coming from work-imposed requirements, dissimilar values, or personality differences than it is from poor communication.  And that might influence the actions you take to resolve the conflict.

What’s worked for you in dealing effectively with conflict?”

Best Books on Communication and Conflict

Here are some relevant books that I think really help in terms of dealing with conflict:

• The Truth About Managing People…And Nothing But the Truth, by Stephen P. Robbins
• Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion, by Jay Heinrichs
• Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
• Crucial Confrontations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
• Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst , by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner
• Coping With Difficult Bosses, by Robert Bramson

My Related Posts

• Shift Tense to Resolve Conflict
• Mutual Purpose
• Start with Heart

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During my Influencer training, one of the key concepts we drilled into was “clarify meaningful results.”  What are meaningful results?  Well, before you waste time on the “how”, clarify the “what” you want, the “why” you want it, and the “when” you want it.

3 Criteria for Meaningful Results
The 3 keys to an effective results are:

1. Specific and measurable.
2. What you really want.
3. Time bound.

In other words, it’s quantitative, not qualitative, it’s focused on the outcome you care about, and you’ve attached a completion date to it.  If you’re familiar with SMART goals, this might seem familiar, but the key for me is the connection to values.  It’s one thing to have specific, measurable, actionable, relevant, and timely goals.  It’s another to set your eyes on the prize that you really want and are motivated by.  Also, make sure it’s what you really want, just in case you might actually achieve it.

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I’ve noticed some conversations just go a lot easier with some people, but I wasn’t sure why.  Recently, a colleague pointed me to an article, Dialogue: The Power of Understanding by Dr. Ann McGee-Cooper.  The article has a nice way of framing types of conversations.  Some conversations are about exploring ideas, while others are about a winning argument or a winning idea.  Once you know the nature of the conversation, you can adapt the conversations, adjust yourself, or avoid it altogether.

Dialogue, Debate and Discuss
Ann offers 3 labels for conversations that you can use to help understand what’s going on::

• Dialogue
• Debate
• Discussion

Dialogue is Listening with an Open Spirit
A dialogue is listening with an open spirit.  There’s no set idea.  It’s about listening with an open mind and asking questions that lead to understanding (the goal is not to win.)  Ann writes:

The first and most difficult task of dialogue involves parking the ego and listening with an open spirit.  From this receptivity can come questions which lead to understanding.

Debate is a Verbal "Fight"
A debate is verbal "fight." It’s about winning an argument.  Ann writes:

Dialogue is the opposite of debate, a verbal "fight," the goal of which is to win an argument by besting an opponent.  The focus is on listening for flaws in the "opponent’s" argument rather than listening to understand something new or from a different perspective. Ego is typically at the center of this win-lose conversation.

Discussion is the "Breaking Apart" of Issues
A discussion is the "breaking apart" of issues.  It’s about  pushing a winning idea.  Ann writes:

Dialogue is also different from discussion, the "breaking apart" of issues, individuals or situations to gain agreement.  Discussions tend to be fast-paced, persuasive conversations in which one person tries to convince the other of a point of view or solution. Ego, control and power over others are often at the forefront of this style of talking.

How To Change to a Dialogue
If you need to shift to a dialogue, you can ask yourself, how might that be true, to get curious and park your doubting mind for the moment.  If you need to shift somebody from a debate or discussion to a dialogue, then first listening until they feel they’ve been heard (empathic listening), and then shift to solution-focused questions.   Ann offers 3 questions that can help you shift to dialogue:

• What is it you see that I don’t?
• How do you see this differently and why?
• Please help me understand from your perspective.

Sometimes it’s just too personal, and you can break the loop by either putting it on a whiteboard (it takes the focus off of you and puts it on the whiteboard), or by using a facilitator who can help make sure everybody’s ideas are explored.  I’ve successfully used facilitators for some politically charged meetings.

Characteristics of High Performing Teams
Ann provides characteristics of high performing teams that achieve effective dialogue.  I’ve summarized some of them here:

• When tempers flair, people look for ways to build bridges.
• Restate strong, toxic statements to clarify meaning in a respectful manner.
• When two people get in a shooting match, a 3rd party steps in to find a 3rd alternative, or capture the best of each perspective.
• Rather than sweep issues under the rug, surrounding partners clarify meaning, calm emotions, and introduce respect for differences.
• Take a time out when there’s strong differences, and resume to collaborate instead of compete.
• Clarify the different points of view and then sleep on it.
• Posing good questions to open up thinking and slow down polarization.

From experience, I can say these techniques work in practice.  In fact, they can be surprisingly effective.  Sometimes it’s simply a matter of feeling heard or understood.

My Related Posts

• How To Improve Your Crucial Conversations
• How Might That Be True
• How To Use the Six Thinking Hats

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