Editor’s note: Meet Jim Camp.  This is a guest post by Jim on how to use the power of “No”, to negotiate more effectively.

Jim is a best-selling author of, Start with No, and NO: The Only System of Negotiation You need for Work or Home.  He has trained and coached more than 100,000 people in the art and science of negotiation over the last 25 years.  Jim’s approach has been featured on CNN, CNBC, Fast Company, Fortune, Harvard Business Review, and The Wall Street Journal.  The FBI and many Fortune 500 companies rely on Jim’s approach to negotiate with skill.

What I like about Jim’s approach is, it’s different.  It’s refreshing.  Jim’s approach gives you permission to say “No.”  And rather than see “No” as the end of a negotiation, you can see it as the beginning.  The best part is, it’s about taking the pressure off the other person, as well as yourself, and getting down to real, authentic communication.

I also like the fact that rather than coerce somebody to a “Yes,” it’s about getting the concerns on the table.  When somebody is pressured into a “Yes,” it’s not real buy-in, and it can often lead to a “Say yes, do no” pattern.  If it’s OK to say, “No,” then people can really open up.

I’ve asked Jim to share his best insights and actions on how readers of Sources of Insight could add the power of “No” to their negotiation skills.  Here is what Jim has to say …

The best word to hear, invite, or say in any type of negotiation is “no.”

When negotiating, “yes” is the worst word to say or to hear at the outset.

But if you are like most businesspeople, you were taught negotiating strategies that were designed to get the client to say “yes.” You learned to impress with your speech and your dress. You learned how to sway people’s decisions with dramatic presentations. You learned how to use charts and graphs to back up your claims. You learned how to persuade, cajole, and manipulate. And you learned how to spot the right moment to close the deal.

“No” Will Liberate and Protect You

“Yes” was the word you associated with winning.

But there’s a problem with “yes.” A quick “yes” is generated by out-of-control emotions. “Yes” just betrays a fear of failure, a fear of losing this deal, and primes you to please the other side, to rush ahead, to compromise early and often, and to come to a deal—any deal.

There’s a better way. Learn to harness the power of “no.” “No” will liberate and protect you.

Forget what you’ve learned about win-win solutions, the art of compromising, and getting to “yes.” A negotiation is defined as the effort to bring about an agreement between two or more parties, with all parties having the right to veto, or say “no.”

In other words, if you don’t like what’s happening in the negotiation, say “no” and we’ll go from there. Conversely, if I don’t like what’s happening, I’ll say “no” and we’ll go from there.

If you’re a parent, you know that every child hears “no” as the start of the negotiation, not the end of it. As adults, however, we’ve been conditioned and trained to fear the word.

“No” is Simply a Decision

Politely saying “no” to your respected opponent, calmly hearing “no,” and just letting the other side know that they are welcome to say “no” has a positive impact on any negotiation. In fact, your invitation for the other side to say “no” has an amazing power to bring down barriers and allow for solid beneficial communication.

Let’s take a look at the word “no,” and the power of “no.” Where does all that come from? What is “no,” really? To the professional negotiator, it’s simply a decision, and it’s a decision to be changed.

But do you know what the really great pros know? And what I teach and coach? They know that “no” maintains a status quo. It’s the safest decision our adversaries can make. Change is scary. People gain comfort when they say “no” because it keep things the way they are. The word “yes,” on the other hand, brings change—and that’s scary.

“No” is When the Negotiation Begins

There’s something else that’s very interesting about the word “no.” When you give someone permission to say “no” to your ideas, the emotions go down, the effectiveness of the decisions go up, and they’re allowed to really look at what you’re proposing. They’re allowed to hold it in their hands, to see it in their mind’s eye, to turn it around. To try to envision all the different complexities that might come with that thought, that idea. Great negotiators seek the “no” because they know that’s when a negotiation begins.

Invite your adversary to say “no.” Here’s how to do it. “Well, Ms. Smith, I have no idea whether what we do has any relevance for your business. I just don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t. If not, just tell me and I’ll get off the phone. Is that fair? Ms. Smith, who handles your accounting services? I’m with Acme Financial Services, and I’d like the opportunity to sit down with you and allow you to discover the opportunities.”

“No” Releases Emotional Pressure

By inviting her to say “no” from the get-go, you put the other party at ease and allow them to feel in control.

Seeking “no” may seem counterintuitive to those who follow the “win-win” philosophy that drives compromise and assumption in today’s politically correct world, but in fact, allowing the other side to say “no” releases emotional pressure in a negotiation, encouraging a real exchange of information.

Think about the negative reaction you’ve experienced at one time or another when dealing with a hard-closing salesperson. That negative feeling is your reaction to their effort to take away your right to say “no.” Instead of folding under this pressure, most of us run as fast as possible in the other direction. Even if a deal is made under this type of duress, later it often falls apart.

If the salesperson had invited you to say “no,” however, you would have gladly listened to the pitch. This is the power of “no.”

Every “No” is Reversible

When we say “no” we are not closing the book on further negotiation. Every no is reversible. But when we say it, we must do so in a nonthreatening manner. Use a nurturing statement along with the “no” to mitigate any perceptions of harshness. For example, “I can’t agree to that, but I do see where you’re coming from. I see the problem and would really like to help. What other possible solutions do you see?”

As the negotiation is winding down and you’ve gotten the other party to agree to your proposal, invite them once again to say, “no.” Let them know that there will be no hard feelings if they decide your proposal is not right for them.

You will be amazed at how inviting a prospect to say “no” relieves pressure and turns skeptical opponents into willing partners.

Take “No” for a Test Drive

Take “no” for a test drive—and see for yourself. Have some fun and take the opportunity to practice using “no.”

With a smile on your face, tell someone in a low-risk situation that you “just can’t do that,” or that you “just don’t see it that way.” Then encourage the person to go on. Say, “no,” and in the next breath, encourage the person to convince you that what he or she is proposing is the right course.

Or, go the other way. Tell the person that you have an idea and you want him or her to be comfortable saying “no” to you. Promise the person that he or she won’t hurt your feelings.

In either case, you will see results instantly.

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from David Straker on how to influence and change behavior. David is an expert on influence and change.  He is the creator of ChangingMinds.org and author of  Changing Minds: In Detail, where he shares his wealth of insight and action on the art of change.

Not very long ago, David and I had been discussing effective ways to persuade.  I had said to David that a rule that worked for me is, “Win the heart, and the mind follows.”

David responded that where we start depends, and that we’re most effective at changing ourselves and others when we fully engage head, heart, and hands. I liked the the idea of “head”, “heart,” and “hands” because it was simple and sticky. I asked David if he would write a guest post to share his thoughts on how our actions, thoughts, and feeling are shaped by our “head”, “heart”, and “hands”.

Without further ado, here is David on shaping change through  “head,” “heart”, and “hands”.

In the field of business and personal change, there’s a pattern that keeps coming up. I’ve met it in change seminars, psychology text books and assorted theories and models. I call it ‘head, heart and hands’. You may have come across it in other forms, such as ‘cognitive, affective and behavioral’ (if you’re a psychologist) or, in more common parlance, ‘thinking, feeling and doing’.

Here’s a story of how it all began, at least in the history of management and psychology.

It was All About Hands

A century or so ago, psychology emerged out of the evolving ‘age of enlightenment’, where science grew wings and truth was what you could prove rather than what the local priest said. Psychologists sought to use the methods of natural sciences, where measurement, causality and proof were the order of the day. They could not measure what brains were doing, but they could analyze what people said and did, which led to behaviorism developing as the first step along the way.

Hard at the heels of psychological science came management science, which adopted the behavioral principles and where people such as Frederick Winslow Taylor and Henry Ford viewed people as ‘rational man’ for whom behavior was directly correlated with external cues. Treat a person in a certain way and they will respond in a predictable manner.

In other words it was all about ‘hands’.

Hands Follow Head

Further developments in psychology found that to explain what people did, you had to consider what they were thinking. Game theory tripped over it in John Nash’s theory-of-mind equilibrium. Therapy went this way too, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) recognizes how behavior is closely linked to thinking. Then management followed suit, with motivation being more about getting people to understand rather than just telling them what to do.

And so we had ‘hands follow head’.

Hands Follow Head and Heart

Yet this still had problems. Psychologists had largely ignored emotions for a long time as they were almost the opposite of rational thinking and rather hard to measure. But they steadily realized that how you feel is real and cannot be ignored. If you are to treat an anxious person, it helps if you recognize and acknowledge the individual experience of anxiety. And in management, emotions at last poked through, notably in Daniel Goleman’s ‘Emotional Intelligence’. We can even see and measure emotions now, thanks to advances in brain scanning, with systems such as fMRI and PET.

And so now we had ‘hands follow head and heart’.

Explain or Enthuse First?

Is this the end? Well, not quite. There isn’t another ‘H’ on the horizon, but what we are finding is that the relationship between head, hands and heart is not as simple as we first thought. For example, to get somebody to act in a certain way, should you first appeal to their feelings and then explain, or should you explain first and then get them enthused? The answer seems to depend on circumstance and the individual.

Changing Actions, Changes Thoughts and Feelings

In a curious reversion to the original command idea, there is even an argument that you can change what people think and feel, just by getting them to act in certain ways. This is explained in Robert Cialdini’s classic ‘Influence’ book, where he talked of compliance and consistency, showing that if we have to do something, we may change our beliefs and what we feel about this to justify our actions. This helps explain some of the darker side of human behavior, from the cruelty of prison guards to conversion in brainwashing.

We can go from head, heart and hands to any of the others, with a quite reasonable thinking process to take us from A to B, as indicated in the table below.

Engage Head, Heart, and Hands for Effective Change

So how do you use this? In change, you really want to get to full engagement of head, heart and hands. A path you can follow is to use the above table to identify the best first step for your situation. Then use the table again, to reel in the third aspect. For example to go ‘head, heart, hands’, you first need to get them to think ‘This makes sense, so I feel good about it’, and then add in hands with either ‘I like the idea so I’ll give it a go’ or ‘It makes sense so I’ll give it a go’.

Whenever working in change, when you are trying to understand people or when you are just trying to persuade them of something, it can be very helpful to consider all three H’s in your analysis and plans. If you can get a person’s head, heart and hands all working together, then you have the person.

Photo by Swaity.

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from David Straker on his best lessons learned in managing change.

If you don’t know David, he is the creator of ChangingMinds.org, the largest site in the world on all aspects of how we change what others think, believe, feel and do.  He is also author of the amazing book, Changing Minds: In Detail. As you can imagine, this is no ordinary post on the art of change.  David has a lifetime of experience as a student, teacher, and practitioner of change management. As you will soon see, David simplifies complexity and he hones in on the essential principles, patterns, and practices that work.

Without further ado, here is David with his top ten tips for managing change.

Change in business is something that affects most of us for a fair part of our working lives. We’ve all got tales of disaster and incompetence, with battle scars from perhaps both sides of the line. Sometimes, if we’re honest, we may even put ourselves in the culprit’s seat for the problems caused.

Creating a ‘top ten’ list is not magic. Just because we have ten fingers it does not mean there are ten key factors for anything. It is, however a useful limit for an article as a list of ‘things to think about in change’ could be very long. Anyway, enough talk and down to action.

Here’s my ten:

1. Take time to understand the real question

Change projects often start out with a whole set of assumptions that are based on limited data or wholesale opinion. This is often accompanied by urgency and unrealistic expectations of what can be done by when. In the contracting phase where I take on the project, I always insist on a period ‘discovery’ in which I talk to everyone involved to get a range of views of the need for the change and the likely support or opposition that may appear. Key question are ‘Who benefits? How? Who loses out?’ There may also be desk research, reading previous reports and so on. From this, I get a better picture and define the project in terms of what is wanted, what is needed and the best approach to take to achieve this.

One of the tricky issues you may well face is where the commissioning manager assumes that the problem is ‘them’ and not ‘me’. Yet with some careful listening you may conclude that the manager is a key part of the problem if not the root cause. Now you will have a nice problem – how to get them to accept this fact without kicking you off the project and getting in someone who will support their innocence.

2. Have courage and integrity

Managing change can be tough and unpopular. You may have to confront a manager who believes that they have a ‘get out of jail free’ ticket that absolves them from engaging in the change. You may also have to face an angry meeting of people who are going to personally lose out big-time.

It can be so tempting to soften the blow by backpedalling and avoiding what you know really must be done. Managing change is not a popularity contest, yet you should do it with compassion and concern.

When people see your courage, they will be less inclined to fight. When people see your integrity, they will trust you more to do the right thing.

3. Engage and impassion the people affected by the change

Deployment of the change starts on day one. It’s easy to start with offline, backroom musing and plotting and then spring it on an unexpecting audience as a fait accompli. This may work in command-and-control cultures but in most businesses you will likely hit a wall, which may feel like foam rubber, but it will still be effective at deflecting and derailing your carefully-plotted rational actions.

The best approach is almost always to get as many people involved as early as possible. Be clear about the problem and engage them in finding the best way forward. Expect integrity, monitor for defensiveness and be up-front if you see it.

4. Believe what people do, not what they say

I can’t count the number of times I’ve been involved in change where managers say they are ‘right behind it’, yet when problems appear they turn out to be right against it. Likewise people will agree to all sorts of things in meetings, yet somehow their agreed actions slip down their priority list as procrastination becomes the order of the day.

When people avoid change or engagement with it, try to understand why. Get inside their heads and identify the thinking processes. People always justify their actions to themselves. If you can understand this inner talk you can speak their language and so persuade them to better ways.

5. When things start going wrong, act quickly

Between college and business, I was a school teacher for a while. I quickly learned there the way that classes operate. The first lesson they are well behaved. The next lesson, someone puts a toe out of place. If you don’t respond, then the next toe and foot follow and before long you have chaos.

People in business are not as obvious as school children but you can see the same kind of incremental resistance. A typical example is change meetings, where they all turn up for the first one, but then a bit at a time they have ‘more important’ things until you end up chairing a mostly-empty room. One of the main activities of the change manager is chasing. Relentlessly follow up with people who miss things or have commitments. Get senior managers to help by first making clear imperative statements and then follow up with real corrective action.

6. Change the motivation system

It is pretty common for businesses to try to change how people behave without changing the underlying system by which they are motivated. A typical example is where the change seeks to make people more collaborative, yet the personal performance system compares people with one another and rewards individual performance over teamwork. In fact the simplest way to change how people behave is to go straight to these performance systems. When you do this, don’t forget to train managers in how to use the new systems.

Also watch out for the informal systems of motivation, which may be embedded in the unwritten culture and in particularly in the way that leaders behave. One of the biggest factors is what managers do when individuals act against the change. If there are no personal consequences then resistance will spread and the change will die.

7. Use positive methods

Change happens through a combination of pain and pleasure, carrot and stick, push and pull. People are more likely to buy into things that use positive pleasure, carrots and ‘pull’. This can be difficult to envisage when you have been brought up in a punishment culture, which can be common in families, schools and workplaces. With thought and innovation, a more pleasant pull can be applied remarkably well.

Positive methods, such as Cooperrider’s ‘Appreciative Inquiry’, work on the principle that people do more of what they feel good about. This is also confirmed by psychoanalysis and ‘Object Relations Theory’. If we feel bad about something we will push it away or run away from it. If we feel good about it we will ‘introject’ it, taking in as a part of our being.

Sometimes negative methods can be used, for example in shocking people out of complacency. But keep this to the absolute minimum. Sometimes you have to show the stick, but it’s the carrot that motivates the most.

8. Burn bridges

One reason people go back to former ways is because they can. It is too easy to keep the old systems going ‘just in case the new one fails’. This not only gives a path for retreat, it also says that you doubt that the change is really going to work, so encouraging people to hang back and slip back to old ways.

A courageous way forward is to ensure there is no way back. If you are implementing a new computer system, have a clear date by when the old one is turned off. If you are changing attitudes, ensure there are systems that catch and address any and all instances of old attitudes.

9. Get help

Sometimes when you are charged with managing change you feel you are responsible for it all and must carry any problems all by yourself. Doing this can weigh you down and wear you out.

Let’s face it: change is difficult! Otherwise there wouldn’t be so much written about it and perhaps you would be reading a nice novel rather than this list of tips. Reading around the subject is a good way to get help and I’d suggest chewing into psychology if you can. Otherwise get help from those who have, and from those who have done it before. Or even just from someone you respect who can step back and see things with a new pair of eyes.

External consultants specialize in change, so you might want to look here, especially if it’s a big change and you have the budget (good consultants are not cheap). Be careful! It is too easy to become dependent and some consulting firms will play on this, with ‘land and expand’ strategies that have more to do with their revenues than your success.

10. Look after yourself

Managing change can be a thankless and very stressful activity. Even if your job is not called ‘change manager’, you may still be mostly making change happen in one form or another and it can get you down. Listen to your body, which will punish you for over-stressing yourself. Take time out to refresh. Get regular exercise. Watch your sleep. And otherwise do whatever works for you to keep yourself energized and enthusiastic.

If you can make it work, I think creating real change that multiplies value is the best fun you can have!

Photo by chrisbb.

“The nice thing about teamwork is that you always have others on your side.” — Margaret Carty

A lot of the work in today’s world is done through virtual teams (V-Teams.)  As a project leader, it’s unlikely that you can always have everyone report to you.  And as an individual contributor, it’s a common scenario that to get things done, you have to influence other people.

Knowing how to V-Team with skill helps you make things happen.  It’s also one of the best ways to scale your impact.  When you partner and pair with other people, you can bite off more than you can chew alone.   With a V-Team, you have a team of capabilities versus a team of one.

Here is a seven step process for building effective V-Teams from one of my mentors with a proven track record …

7 Steps for V-Teaming

Here is a recipe for getting things done with v-Teams:

1. Identify what you want to accomplish. (your goal)
2. Build agreement around common goals.
3. Identify who owns what.  (Stakeholder Map)
4. Gain visibility and ownership. (who will do the work)
5. Identify the plan. (how and when will the work get done)
6. Report the status.
7. Arrive at the goal.

Here are some additional ways to improve your success as a V-Team Maestro:

• Set visibility and context first.  Why are you are doing what you are doing?  Examples – you see integration points, shared problems, or ways to achieve shared wins.
• Get clarity on stakeholders and who owns what.  If they own, but don’t care, then figure out who are the right folks to get acting on this.
• Use status and tracking as your friend.  Progress builds momentum.  Know who’s signed up for what, and know what’s on the line. (Don’t wait until people drop the ball.)
• Report status in a meaningful way.  Map status back to what stakeholders care about.
• Get agreement.  You can’t hold people responsible if they did not agree.
• Use email when it’s efficient, but stop when it’s not effective. Go until it fails.  If it’s not working, change the technique.  Some things have to happen face-to-face or a phone call.
• Maximize your joint pool of resources.  Find ways to get synergy and exponential results or eliminate inefficiencies.
• Get sponsorship and support.  There are always setbacks, but an angel or two can help you over the humps.
• Evaluate your approach based on the situation.  Be intellectually aware — it’s people, not a task force.  Focus on the intent, and find better ways to arrive at the goal.

Photo by lululemon athletica.

“Character may almost be called the most effective means of persuasion.” –
Aristotle

Judo is a Japanese martial art meaning “gentle way.”

One of my manager’s at Microsoft referred to my colleague’s ability to influence others as “Mental Judo.”  My colleague was highly effective at influencing others in a gentle way, whether it was to share his own opinion, help others see another perspective, or to find another path.  His approach was highly effective and surprisingly simple.

His mental judo boiled down to three things:

1. Ask questions over make statements
2. Share a story
3. Ask somebody to share their story

Ask Questions
Rather than just make a statement or take a strong position, my colleague would ask questions. His questions created curiosity.  He invited people to explore the path.  His soft approach made a safe haven to explore an idea, without making people defensive and without coming across like an immediate critic.

Share a Story
Everybody loves a story.  My colleague was a good story teller.  His stories were short and insightful.  Rather than just state a conclusion or tell somebody they were wrong, my colleague would simply share a relevant story of his first-hand experience.  You can argue facts, but you can’t argue somebody’s experience.  His stories were a gentle way of sharing an alternative view.

Ask About Their Story
Asking somebody to share their story, is a simple way to see another point of view.  When somebody shares their story, they take you on their journey.  You can learn their mental model.  This helps explain why they see the situation as they do.  Together, this helps explain what’s behind their conclusion, and it puts their drivers and concerns in context.  It also helps you know whether this is first-hand experience, or hear say, etc.  It all starts so simply too … “Can you tell me about a time when you used that?”

“The key to successful leadership today is influence, not authority.” — Ken Blanchard

Have you ever had a  hard time trying to convince somebody of something?   You might not be matching their “Convincer Strategy”.   In Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), a “Convincer Strategy” is how a person comes to believe something to be true.  For some people, they need to see it with their own eyes.  For others, they need to hear something multiple times from multiple people before they believe it.

In Unlimited Power : The New Science Of Personal Achievement, Tony Robbins writes about the “Convincer Strategy.”

Figure Out Their Convincer Strategy
Robbins writes:

“The convincer strategy has two parts. To figure out what consistently convinces someone, you must first find out what sensory building blocks he needs to become convinced, and then you must discover how often he has to receive these stimuli before becoming convinced. To discover someone’s convincer meta-program, ask, ‘How do you know when someone else is good at a job? Do you have to a) see them or watch them do it, b) hear about how good they are, c) do it with them, or d) read about their ability?’ The answer may be a combination of these. You may believe someone’s good when you see him do a good job and when other people tell you he’s good.  The next question is, ‘How often does someone have to demonstrate he’s good before you’re convinced?’ There are four possible answers: a) immediately (for example, if they demonstrate that they’re good at something once, you believe them), b) a number of times (two or more), c) over a period of time (say, a few weeks or a month or a year), and d) consistently. In the last case, a person has to demonstrate that he’s good each and every time.”

Basically, the “Convincer Strategy” comes down to whether you need to hear it, see it, or read about it, and how many times you need to see or hear it, and over what period of time before you believe something is true.

Match Their Convincer Strategy or You’ll Waste a Lot of Time

In my experience, the “Convincer Strategy” is one of the most important things to figure out when it comes to influencing people.  If you don’t, it can seem like you’re banging your head against the wall.  You might have all the facts and figures or all the right data or really know your story, but if somebody is not hearing it in the way they expect it or, more specifically, in a way that matches their “Convincer Strategy”, then you will be wasting your breath.

Sometimes Buy-In Takes Time

When I would pitch my projects, I used to run into resistance from one of the directors.  I couldn’t figure out where the resistance was coming from given that I had good answers for their tough questions, I had the relevant data, and I had done my homework.  Eventually, I figured out that their buy in process takes time.  All I had to do was meet with them three times before the Vision Scope meeting.   By the third time, the story didn’t change, no new data, but hearing it a third time matched their “Convincer Strategy.”

My Related Posts

• 7 NLP Meta-Programs for Understanding People
• Character Trumps Emotion Trumps Logic
• Influencing without Authority
• Six Sources of Influence

“Persuasion is often more effectual than force.” — Aesop

If you hear something multiple times is it true? … Do you find yourself believing something that originally you didn’t believe because you didn’t trust the source?

This might help explain it.  The sleeper effect is a delayed attitude change.  Technically, the sleeper effect is a phenomenon where a message that you originally discount, because of a “discounting cue,” becomes more persuasive over time.  It happens like this: you hear something from a low-credible source, you dismiss the idea, but over time you start to believe it or become persuaded.

I first learned about the sleeper effect in a Social Psychology class in college.  It didn’t really click for me at the time.  Now it makes perfect sense.  The danger is we start believing things that aren’t true.  Over time our memory simply disconnects the low-credibility source from the message.

Here’s an example.  I first heard that sneezing is like an orgasm from the movie The Lonely Guy, starring Steve Martin.  It’s from a movie, so it’s easy to dismiss.  Then over time, I hear the idea come up again but with variations like sneezing seven times in a row, so then I start to wonder (I’ve never actually seen anybody sneeze seven times in a row.)  This article on sneezing myths puts it to rest … sneezing is like an orgasm only in that they both produce powerful bodily convulsions.

A simple way to catch yourself from the sleeper effect is to ask yourself, “What’s that based on?”

Photo by Olgierd Pstrykotworca.

One of the most helpful frames we’ve found at work for focusing meetings or presentations is:

1. Know – What do you want them to know?
2. Believe – What do you want them to believe?
3. Do – What do you want them to do?

For example, when our patterns & practices team at Microsoft would prepare to give a business review, the team building the slides would brainstorm on the 3 questions above.

I’m a fan of question-driven approaches, and the technique above has proven very effective for focusing a room of passionate people.  Really, you can think of it as creating “shared goals”, just with more precision and focus.  The goal of course, in our case, was “tell an effective story” about what our group does and why execs or business leaders should care.

Personally, I found the simple frame to work for just about any meeting where I need to “sell” an idea or get folks on board.

Photo by Reinante El Pintor de Fuego.

I’ve noticed some conversations just go a lot easier with some people, but I wasn’t sure why.  Recently, a colleague pointed me to an article, Dialogue: The Power of Understanding by Dr. Ann McGee-Cooper.  The article has a nice way of framing types of conversations.  Some conversations are about exploring ideas, while others are about a winning argument or a winning idea.  Once you know the nature of the conversation, you can adapt the conversations, adjust yourself, or avoid it altogether.

Dialogue, Debate and Discuss
Ann offers 3 labels for conversations that you can use to help understand what’s going on::

• Dialogue
• Debate
• Discussion

Dialogue is Listening with an Open Spirit
A dialogue is listening with an open spirit.  There’s no set idea.  It’s about listening with an open mind and asking questions that lead to understanding (the goal is not to win.)  Ann writes:

The first and most difficult task of dialogue involves parking the ego and listening with an open spirit.  From this receptivity can come questions which lead to understanding.

Debate is a Verbal "Fight"
A debate is verbal "fight." It’s about winning an argument.  Ann writes:

Dialogue is the opposite of debate, a verbal "fight," the goal of which is to win an argument by besting an opponent.  The focus is on listening for flaws in the "opponent’s" argument rather than listening to understand something new or from a different perspective. Ego is typically at the center of this win-lose conversation.

Discussion is the "Breaking Apart" of Issues
A discussion is the "breaking apart" of issues.  It’s about  pushing a winning idea.  Ann writes:

Dialogue is also different from discussion, the "breaking apart" of issues, individuals or situations to gain agreement.  Discussions tend to be fast-paced, persuasive conversations in which one person tries to convince the other of a point of view or solution. Ego, control and power over others are often at the forefront of this style of talking.

How To Change to a Dialogue
If you need to shift to a dialogue, you can ask yourself, how might that be true, to get curious and park your doubting mind for the moment.  If you need to shift somebody from a debate or discussion to a dialogue, then first listening until they feel they’ve been heard (empathic listening), and then shift to solution-focused questions.   Ann offers 3 questions that can help you shift to dialogue:

• What is it you see that I don’t?
• How do you see this differently and why?
• Please help me understand from your perspective.

Sometimes it’s just too personal, and you can break the loop by either putting it on a whiteboard (it takes the focus off of you and puts it on the whiteboard), or by using a facilitator who can help make sure everybody’s ideas are explored.  I’ve successfully used facilitators for some politically charged meetings.

Characteristics of High Performing Teams
Ann provides characteristics of high performing teams that achieve effective dialogue.  I’ve summarized some of them here:

• When tempers flair, people look for ways to build bridges.
• Restate strong, toxic statements to clarify meaning in a respectful manner.
• When two people get in a shooting match, a 3rd party steps in to find a 3rd alternative, or capture the best of each perspective.
• Rather than sweep issues under the rug, surrounding partners clarify meaning, calm emotions, and introduce respect for differences.
• Take a time out when there’s strong differences, and resume to collaborate instead of compete.
• Clarify the different points of view and then sleep on it.
• Posing good questions to open up thinking and slow down polarization.

From experience, I can say these techniques work in practice.  In fact, they can be surprisingly effective.  Sometimes it’s simply a matter of feeling heard or understood.

My Related Posts

• How To Improve Your Crucial Conversations
• How Might That Be True
• How To Use the Six Thinking Hats

Photo by pasukaru76.

One of my favorite take aways from my Influencer Training is Vital Behaviors.  Vital behaviors are the smallest set of actions that lead to the results you want.  They are the few high-leverage actions that if you keep doing, produce the outcomes you’re after.  Vital Behaviors are key to change efforts whether you are trying to change yourself or something larger (your team, your organization, or the world.)  In fact, change efforts often fail because they either focus on the results but don’t identify the specific actions to get there, or they spend time and energy on a bunch of actions that are good ideas, but aren’t the vital few.

I like to think of the vital behaviors as the MUST actions vs. the SHOULD or COULD.  For example, if I want to get my body in fighting shape, I need to workout 4 times per week.  If I want to write a book, I need to write and edit daily.  I can do a bunch of other supportive behaviors, but if I don’t do these vital behaviors, I don’t get the results I want.  Vital Behaviors cut to the chase.

Key Points
During training, we learned the following points on Vital Behaviors:

• Behaviors are actions, not results.
• Behaviors are actions, not qualities.
• Ask what behaviors would demonstrate that a particular value is being lived.
• If it isn’t actionable, it isn’t a behavior. If you can’t go and “do it”, it’s not a behavior.
• Just because it’s a behavior doesn’t make it vital.
• Look for the fewest behaviors that lead to change.

Vital behaviors depend on context, so while some may be reusable or generic (such as a pattern or proven practice), others will vary from individual to individual or from project to project or from situation to situation.  The key is to test what works.

How To Find Vital Behaviors with Larger Projects
We learned a few ways to find Vital Behaviors with larger projects:

• Check with local experts.
• Scan the best and most-cited articles and research.
• Search the Internet for most-cited experts.

How To Find Vital Behaviors with Smaller Projects
We learned a few ways to find Vital Behaviors with smaller projects:

• Determine your crucial moments.
• Find the behaviors in those moments that affect your results.
• Conduct mini-experiments.

Testing for Vital Behaviors
You can test whether you identified Vital Behaviors by asking yourself the following:

• Can you go and “do it”?
• Do they stop self-defeating and escalating behaviors?
• Do they start a reaction that leads to good results? (the domino effect)

Examples
During our training, we got to see some simple examples of Vital Behaviors:

3 Vital Behaviors for Weight Loss
What are the 3 Vital Behaviors for losing 40 lbs and keeping it off?

1. Weight yourself daily.
2. Eat breakfast.
3. Workout at home.

3 Vital Behaviors for Diabetes
What are the 3 Vital Behaviors to successfully manage Diabetes?

1. Improve diet.
2. Exercise.
3. Monitor.

Knowing the Vital Behaviors improves your focus and your results.  You can maximize your impact by spending your time and energy doing the right actions that lead to the results you want to produce.

My Related Posts

• Influencer Training Day 1
• Influencer Training Day 2
• Six Sources of Influence

Photo by Malkav.