Learn about Kahler’s drivers and six scripts that create limiting loops. What is it that occurs hundreds of times a day that could reinforce a limiting script … that we play over and over again, throughout a lifetime? It’s our thought patterns.

“Character may almost be called the most effective means of persuasion.” —
Aristotle

Judo is a Japanese martial art meaning “gentle way.”

“ They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” – Carl W. Buechner

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Eduard Ezeanu. Eduard blogs at People Skills Decoded and is a communication’s coach with an attitude-based approach. Here’s Eduard on his top 10 lessons learned in improving communication.

“What do I say when it’s all over … And sorry seems to be the hardest word.” — Elton John

Mistakes happen. People fall down. What’s important is how you get back up. This is really geared towards leaders and pro-active repair, but I think the frame below is useful in many everyday situations. It’s powerful because you’re owning your mistake, you’re acknowledging it, and you’re finding a way forward. What you resist persists, and dwelling doesn’t help.

“What’s their story?” … With one cutting question, my manager exposed the fact a colleague had only one side of the story — their own.

We make up stories every day either to explain our own actions or the actions of others. What happens when our stories limit us or hurt our relationships? For example, have you ever jumped to the wrong conclusion about somebody’s actions and later regretted it? I know I have.

A friend of mine gave me the following advice … you’re the average of the 10 people you spend time with. Looking back through my life, I could see how impactful that guideline really is. I know I’ve grown the most, when I’ve surrounded myself with the best.

Here’s a bit of insight you can see in action every day. Do you ever feel the need to yawn, when somebody else yawns? Do you ever know exactly what somebody is going to say next? How about the situation where the the word is on the tip of your tongue, but neither of you can remember what it is, yet you both know exactly what you mean?

Knowing the source of conflict is one of the first steps to dealing with it effectively. It’s easy to blame communication as the source of conflict, but it’s not always the case. In fact, it usually isn’t. For example, communication is the source of conflict when styles get in the way, or there are misunderstandings about intent.

In my previous post, Likeability is a Skill, we learned that likeability is something you can work at and invest in, just like working out. We also learned that improving your likeability, improves your quality of life. Now it’s time to turn that into action. Great, so how do we get going? …

I have the privilege of taking some extreme training on influence. It’s a pilot class based on the book, Influencer: The Power to Change Anything. Influence is about changing hearts, minds, and behavior to produce meaningful, sustainable results. The beauty of the model is that it scales up and down from personal life style changes, such as losing weight, to global changes, such as eliminating diseases. I like it because it’s a simple lens to look at those persistent problems where change seems impossible. Rather than bump your head against a glass ceiling or spin your wheels without traction, it’s a systematic approach to diagnose and implement change.

Dr. Rick Kirschner (aka Dr. K) shares how to bring out the best in people.

What’s your story? No, not once upon a time … what’s your story of who you are, where you’ve been, and where you’re going? Your stories package and share your experience. They help you stand out if you share the right things. What are the right things? Share your unique experiences, your values, and your strengths … and even relevant flaws. Your human after all and everybody has flaws. It’s not what happens to you, but how you respond and you’re the author of your life. Choose your adventures. Write your stories with might. Lead yourself first and use your stories to guide yourself and others.

One of my favorite training sessions this past year was called “Why Should Anyone Be Lead By You?” One of our exercises was to figure out our unique differentiators by looking at our life experiences. In other words, what unique skills or experiences do we bring to the table, that are relevant for this particular situation? Everybody has a story–hopes, dreams, wins, losses, and lessons learned. We write our stories a page at a time. Ultimately, it’s not how the stories end, but what we carry forward that matters.

How do you use your opponent’s argument to your own advantage? You use concession. My dictionary says that concession is “admitting of a point claimed in argument.” You give a little to get a lot. One way to think of it is finding a way to agree. You can then use the agreement as a bridge to make your point. This works because you are letting your opponent score points. This also works because people like to be consistent with themselves. They don’t want to backtrack on what they just agreed to. Concession also works because you seem flexible rather than dogmatic or rigid in your opinion. Most importantly, it indicates that you’re listening. You validate them.

One of the keys to effectiveness is to know and show yourself enough. If you know yourself well enough, you can share relevant information to improve communication and connect with others. One tool to help you with this is the Johari Window. I first learned about the Johari Window in one of my leadership training sessions and it peaked my interest. It’s a simple model for interpersonal awareness. If you’ve ever struggled with TMI (too much information) or self-disclosure, the Johari Window is your friend. The Johari Window was originally created by Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham in 1955 as a tool to help people understand their interpersonal communication and relationships.

How do you get the people on your side or inspire a vision or change the world? First win the heart. I’m blogging on this because it’s a lesson I’ve learned that shows up in so many ways, time and again. I see it in thought leaders. I see it in people leaders. I see it in everyday, conversational exchange. This is one of those ah-ha’s that when it sinks in, you find opportunities to apply it every day to improve your effectiveness.

One leadership style doesn’t fit all. According to the Situational Leadership II model, the leadership style depends on the development levels within the team. Some people might need more motivation while others need more capability. A quick cutting question to ask is, “do they want to do it?” Another question to ask is, “do they know how to do it?” These two questions can very quickly help you figure out the right approach.

If you coach others or you need to encourage change or if you need to change yourself, the key is to use questions. Lead others to their own insight or your advice may fall on deaf ears. You know the saying, “you can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” Part of the reason is, asking questions puts people into a more receptive state. When people have their own “ah has” it actually creates an emotional link. This helps the insight stick. The key of course is to ask the right questions.

It’s obvious in retrospect, but I found a distinction between low-friction communication and high-friction communication. By low-friction, I mean “person A” doesn’t have to work that hard for “person B” to get a point. It’s an unproductive energy drain. There’s a better way. It’s along the lines of Covey’s “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Jay Heinrichs on his top 10 lessons learned in influence and persuasion. Jay is the author of the bestseller, Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion. I originally found out about Jay’s work through one of my mentors. It’s been one of my best investments. Aside from a great read, I’ve used Jay’s insights and actions to improve my effectiveness at work. Like revealing magic tricks, the world makes a whole lot more sense now. My favorite part is how Jay is able to take the lessons of the best Greek orators and show how to use them in practice in today’s world.