If you coach others or you need to encourage change or if you need to change yourself, the key is to use questions. Lead others to their own insight or your advice may fall on deaf ears. You know the saying, “you can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” Part of the reason is, asking questions puts people into a more receptive state. When people have their own “ah has” it actually creates an emotional link. This helps the insight stick. The key of course is to ask the right questions.

It’s obvious in retrospect, but I found a distinction between low-friction communication and high-friction communication. By low-friction, I mean “person A” doesn’t have to work that hard for “person B” to get a point. It’s an unproductive energy drain. There’s a better way. It’s along the lines of Covey’s “seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Jay Heinrichs on his top 10 lessons learned in influence and persuasion. Jay is the author of the bestseller, Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion. I originally found out about Jay’s work through one of my mentors. It’s been one of my best investments. Aside from a great read, I’ve used Jay’s insights and actions to improve my effectiveness at work. Like revealing magic tricks, the world makes a whole lot more sense now. My favorite part is how Jay is able to take the lessons of the best Greek orators and show how to use them in practice in today’s world.

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I got some relevant training for today’s world.  The training was “Influencing without Authority” and it was based on the book, Influence Without Authority (2nd Edition).   The focus was how to succeed when you don’t have authority and control over execution.  This is a common scenario in cross-team, cross-group scenarios.  At Microsoft, you don’t get rewarded by saying, “…if only I had control over authority and execution … I would be successful.”  
This training is actually useful beyond just the work scenarios.  You can …

Edward de Bono created an effective approach to improving your thinking by directing your attention.  It’s called Six Thinking Hats. 
If you know how to use the Six Thinking Hats, you can deal with two very common problems.   The first problem is incomplete thinking.  The second problem is deadlocks in meetings.  
I’ve been in way too many deadlock meetings that are absolute energy drains.  I’ve also seen too many ideas fail simply because they didn’t have enough perspective.  Once I discovered Six Thinking Hats, both scenarios became easy to …

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If you need to be persuasive, you need to know this secret.  It’s how people who influence without authority improve their effectiveness.  The secret is … character trumps emotion trumps logic.  If you win the heart, the mind follows.  On the other hand, if you win the mind, the heart doesn’t always follow.  For an example of character, think about the impact of the right people in the room asking the right questions. 
When you know this secret, it all makes sense.  You didn’t need more data …

“If you can’t go around it, over it, or through it, you had better negotiate with it." — Ashleigh Brilliant
When you don’t get what you want, don’t get angry.  Compliment, disarm, and clarify instead.  Rather than focus on your anger, focus on getting what you want. 
In Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Revised and Updated , Dr. David D. Burns writes about complimenting, disarming and clarifying over focusing on your anger.
Overview Here are keys to negotiating more effectively::

Find a way to genuinely compliment.  …

Is there really strength in numbers? 
Not according to social loafing.  The more people there are, the less hard they work.  In Social Psychology: Theories, Research, and Applications,  Robert S. Feldman writes about social loafing.
Key Take Aways
Here are my key take aways:

Social loafing happens when people think that the rest of the group isn’t pulling their weight.
If you think others are less skilled or less motivated, you’ll work less hard.
Make individuals feel responsible for the group’s results.

People are Apt to Work Less Hard in Groups …

"A snowflake is one of God’s most fragile creations, but look what they can do when they stick together!"  — Author Unknown
How can you make your best contribution at work?  Play to your strengths.   The sooner you move to your strengths, the sooner you improve your contribution.   Find your strengths and offer them to your team.  It’s how to be your best.  It’s how you’ll feel stronger each day. 
As a Program Manager (PM) at Microsoft, I’ve built a lot of project teams at patterns & practices over the …

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Have you ever not been in the mood for somebody’s sunshiny ways?   Their lack of sympathy pushes you away.  Instead, they should match your mood, at least at first.  A little sympathy can go a long way.  In Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion, Jay Heinrichs writes about using sympathy to build rapport.
Share Your Listener’s Mood
Start with your audience’s mood.  Use rhetorical sympathy to show concern.  Heinrichs writes:
Sympathize – align yourself with your listener’s pathos.  You …

“Speak when you are angry – and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” — Dr. Laurence J. Peter
A crucial conversation is any conversation where the stakes are high, emotions run strong and opinions vary.  If you can master crucial conversations, rather than fear your tough conversations, you’ll kick-start your career, strengthen your relationships, and improve your health.   How do you improve your crucial conversations? …
In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler show you specific principles and …

Ask, mirror, paraphrase and prime are four power listening skills.  In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler write about asking, mirroring, paraphrasing and priming to build rapport, stay connected, and listen more effectively.
4 Power Listening Tools (AMPP)
AMPP stands for:

Ask.  Ask the other person what’s really going on.
Mirror.  Mirror means describe how the other person looks or acts (e.g. you seem upset, you seem angry at me). 
Paraphrase.  Paraphrase what you’ve heard using your own words.
Prime. Prime means take your …

"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it." — Voltaire
What do you do when you disagree with another person’s stories or facts?   
In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler write about using your ABCs to agree, build and compare your views when you disagree with the other peron’s facts or stories.
Key Take Aways Here are my key take aways:

Agree when you …

How do you make an idea stick?  Mark Twain noted, "A lie can get halfway around the world before the truth can even get its boots on."  Meanwhile, people with important ideas, struggle to make their ideas stick. In Made to Stick: Why Some Ideas Survive and Others Die, Chip Heath and Dan Heath write about six principles to make your ideas stick and help you get your point across.
Key Take Aways Here are my key take aways:

Be a master of exclusion.   Less is more.  Ruthlessly prioritize …

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This post is my index of book nuggets from Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst, by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner. In this book, the authors teach you how to identify the 10 most unwanted behaviors and how to deal with them. They also teach you how difficult people thing, what they fear, and why they act the way they do.
My NuggetsHere’s my nuggets so far …
Reference Nuggets:

Ten Types of Difficult People
The Lens of …

”None of us is as smart as all of us.” — Ken Blanchard
How do you consistently build a winning team? I think successful coaches are good to learn from.  After all, they have to build effective teams time and time again, while dealing with people issues and finding ways to make the most of who they’ve got.
In Social Psychology: Theories, Research, and Applications, Robert S. Feldman interviews Joe Paterno, head coach of Pennsylvania State University’s college football team. In the interview, Feldman asks Coach "JoePa" about his secrets for building …

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How do you build a collaborative environment at work? Do you lead by example? Can you move your focus off yourself? Do you lift others up and help them to succeed? Do you treat others as you expect to be treated? Can you perform random acts of kindness and expect nothing in return? Can you forgive and forget those that don’t treat you as you expect?
What would life at work be like if you could resist greed, anger, and delusion? What if you could avoid the …

How do you improve your writing?  How do you make your writing more conversational?  How do you cultivate a personal style in your writing and your speeches?  In Perfect Phrases for Executive Presentations: Hundreds of Ready-to-Use Phrases to Use to Communicate Your Strategy and Vision When the Stakes Are High (Perfect Phrases), Alan M. Perlman, Ph.D. writes about five principles you can use to improve your writing and speeches to make them more conversational and personal.
Five Principles for Improving Conversational Communication
Based on results and experience, I agree with Perlman’s principles …

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How do you get a group to make better decisions? In Social Psychology: Theories, Research, and Applications, Robert S. Feldman writes how cooperative controversy is an effective technique for enhancing group effectiveness.
Key Take AwaysHere’s my key take aways:

Wear a hat. The most effective technique I’ve found to help a group use cooperative controversy is to “wear a hat.” The team puts on their Devil’s advocate hat and beats the idea up toether. We then wear another hat to work together to figure out ways we can …

How do you get competitive groups to work with each other? How do you improve cross-group collaboration? Superordinate goals. In Social Psychology: Theories, Research, and Applications, Robert S. Feldman writes about how superordinate goals were effective in uniting competitive groups.
Two Groups in the Same Camp
Feldman writes:
“One of the best examples of how group goals can influence group formation comes from a now-classic field study held in a boy’s summer camp named Robber’s Cave (Sherif, 1966). Two groups of missle-class 11- and 12-year-olds – none of whom knew that he was …