“What do I say when it’s all over … And sorry seems to be the hardest word.” — Elton John

Mistakes happen.  People fall down.  What’s important is how you get back up.  This is really geared towards leaders and pro-active repair, but I think the frame below is useful in many everyday situations.  It’s powerful because you’re owning your mistake, you’re acknowledging it, and you’re finding a way forward.  What you resist persists, and dwelling doesn’t help.

In the book, Power Thinking: How the Way You Think Can Change the Way You Lead , John N. Mangieri, Ph.D., and Cathy Collins Block, Ph. D., write about proactively repairing when things go wrong, as a more effective way to think and act.

4 Steps to Practice Repair
Mangieri and Block share the following steps for proactive repair:

1. Find out what went wrong.
2. Apologize for negative outcomes that your decision or behavior caused.
3. Explain why you made the decision (or took the initial, ineffective action.)
4. State what you want to achieve in the future with a new decision or action.

I think an important addition is empathic listening — listen until the other person feels heard, and don’t get defensive.

When do you use these steps? According to Mangieri and Block, “as soon as a leader’s self-respect diminishes, indicating that a decision or behavior just enacted was not effective or proper.”

Mangieri and Block say that it’s about acknowledging what went wrong, and co-creating the future:

Repair occurs whenever it is necessary to enact a thoughtful action to remedy the damage or ill will that a past decision or action created.  Repair begins by acknowledging the negative consequence your actions caused (by saying, for example, “I am aware that my decision angered and frustrated many of you”).  Then you state that you want to avoid such detrimental effects in the future.  Openly ask for others to offer suggestions that can ensure that such decisions or action will not occur again, and state an action that you are going to take to ensure that it does not.

From what I’ve seen, even if you fumble with the words, if it’s from the heart, that’s what matters.

In the end, the most important thing is — it’s got to come from the right place.

Photo by Leonid Mamchenkov.

Knowing the source of conflict is one of the first steps to dealing with it effectively.  It’s easy to blame communication as the source of conflict, but it’s not always the case.  In fact, it usually isn’t.  For example, communication is the source of conflict when styles get in the way, or there are misunderstandings about intent.  Communication is not the source of conflict when it’s things like how your group is structured, personality clashes, or conflict in values.

In the book, The Truth About Managing People…And Nothing But the Truth , author Stephen P. Robbins writes about analyzing sources of conflict.

Key Take Aways
Here are my key take aways:

• Communication is not the real cause of most conflicts.  More conflicts tend to come from structural relationships and personal differences.
• Structural relationships can create conflict.  When groups have competing goals, that’s a setup for conflict.  When people face scarcity of resources, turf wars happen.  Reporting structures can shift ownership, influence, and authority around in ways that can create conflict.
• Personality clashes can create conflict.  This is a case where tolerance and thinking techniques can help, but at the end of the day, some people just don’t like each other.
• Differences in values can create conflict.  You want one thing, somebody else wants another.  This is a fairly common source of conflict.
• Too much communication can cause conflict.  While too little communication cause cause conflict, too much communication can cause conflict too.

In my experience, you can reduce conflict by taking away the threats, creating shared goals, and creating more effective boundaries and interactions as needed.  For situations, you can learn to adapt, adjust or avoid, as well as shift tense to reduce conflict.  I also like John Wooden’s advice here, which is basically, it’s OK to disagree, just don’t be disagreeable.

Structural Relationships Can Create Conflict
Diverse goals within and across groups can create conflict.  Robbins writes:

Organizations create job descriptions, specialized work groups, jurisdictional borders, and authority relationships – all with the intent to facilitate coordination.  But in so doing, they separate people and create the potential for conflicts.  For instance, departments within organizations have diverse goals. … When groups within an organization seek diverse ends, some of which are inherently at odds, there is increased potential for conflict.

Personality Clashes Can Create Conflict
Some personalities just don’t get along.  Robbins writes:

Did you ever meet individuals to whom you took an immediate disliking?  Most of the opinions you disagreed with.  Even insignificant characteristics – the way they cocked their head when they talked or smirked when they smiled – annoyed you.  We’ve all met people like that.  And many of us have to work with people like this; people whose values or personality clash with our own.

Differences in Values Can Create Conflict
Conflict in values is a common source of interpersonal conflicts.  Robbins writes:

So, not surprisingly employees differ on the on the importance they place on general values such as honesty, responsibility, equality and ambition.  They also differ on job-related values such as the importance of family over work or freedom versus authority.  These differences often surface in work-related interactions and create significant interpersonal conflicts.

Too Much Communication Can Create Conflict Too
It’s called overcommunicating for a reason.  Robbins writes:

The evidence actually demonstrates that the potential for conflict increases when there is too much communication as well as when there’s too little.  Apparently, an increase in communication is functional up to a point, whereupon it’s possible to overcommunicate.  Too much information as well as too little can lay the foundation for conflict.

When Managing Conflict, Look at the Source
Rather than just blame poor communication, look for other potential sources of conflict.  Robbins writes:

So when you’re trying to manage conflicts, take a thoughtful look at their source.  It’s more likely that the conflict is coming from work-imposed requirements, dissimilar values, or personality differences than it is from poor communication.  And that might influence the actions you take to resolve the conflict.

What’s worked for you in dealing effectively with conflict?

Relevant Books
Here are some relevant books that I think really help in terms of dealing with conflict:

• Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion
• Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High
• Crucial Confrontations: Tools for talking about broken promises, violated expectations, and bad behavior
• Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst
• Coping With Difficult Bosses

My Related Posts

• Shift Tense to Resolve Conflict
• Mutual Purpose
• Start with Heart

Photo by pasukaru76.

“Speak when you are angry – and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” — Dr. Laurence J. Peter

A crucial conversation is any conversation where the stakes are high, emotions run strong and opinions vary.  If you can master crucial conversations, rather than fear your tough conversations, you’ll kick-start your career, strengthen your relationships, and improve your health.   How do you improve your crucial conversations? …

In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler show you specific principles and skills to master your crucial conversations. 

Summary of Steps
Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler, identify 7 principles for mastering your crucial conversations:

• Step 1. Start with Heart.
• Step 2. Learn to Look.
• Step 3. Make it Safe.
• Step 4. Master My Stories.
• Step 5. STATE My Path.
• Step 6. Explore Other’s Paths.
• Step 7. Move to Action.

I’ve used these techniques on the job and I’ve found them to be some of the most effective techniques for keeping your brain engaged during high-stakes conversations.

Step 1. Start with Heart
In this step, the key is to stay focused on what you really want.  How do you know what you really want?  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest asking yourself:

• What do I really want for myself?
• What do I really want for others?
• What do I really want for the relationship?

See Start with Heart.

Step 2. Learn to Look
In this step, the key is to recognize when safety is at risk.  How do you know when safety is at risk?  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest the following:

• Learn to look at content and conditions.
• Look for when things become crucial.
• Learn to watch for safety problems.
• Look to see if others are moving toward silence or violence.
• Look for outbreaks of your Style Under Stress.

See Learn to Look and Six Styles Under Stress.

Step 3. Make It Safe
In this step, the key is to make it safe.  How do you make it safe to talk about almost anything?  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest the following:

• Decide which condition of safety is at risk.  Is mutual purpose at risk?  Is mutual respect at risk?
• Apologize when appropriate.
• Contrast to fix misunderstanding.
• CRIB to get to Mutual Purpose (Commit to seek Mutual Purpose, Recognize the purpose behind the strategy, Invent a Mutual Purpose, Brainstorm new strategies.)

See Make It Safe.

Step 4. Master My Stories
In this step, the key is to stay in dialogue, even when you start to go into fight-or-flight mode.  How do you stay in dialogue when you’re angry, scared or hurt?  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest the following:

Retrace your path by asking the following questions:

• Am I in some form of silence or violence
• What emotions are encouraging you to ask this way?
• What story is creating these emotions?
• What evidence do you have to support this story?
• Watch for clever stories.

Tell the Rest of the Story

• Are you pretending not to notice your role in the problem?
• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?
• What do you really want?
• What would you do right now if you really wanted these results?

See Master My Stories.

Step 5. STATE My Path
The key in this step is to stay connected and avoid escalating.  How do you speak persuasively, not abrasively?  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest the following:

• Share your facts.  Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action.
• Tell your story.  Explain what you’re beginning to conclude.
• Ask for other’s paths.  Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.
• Talk tentatively.  State your story as a story – don’t disguise it as a fact.
• Encourage testing.  Make it safe for others to express differing or eve opposing views.

Step 6. Explore Others’ Paths
The key in this step is to keep rapport, while listening with empathy.  How can you listen when others blow up or clam up?  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler, suggest the following:

• Ask.  Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views.
• Mirror.  Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling.
• Paraphrase.  As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard.
• Prime.  If others continue to hold back, take your best guess as what they may be thinking and feeling.
• Agree.  Agree when you do.
• Build.  If others leave something out, agree where you do, then build.
• Compare.  When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong.  Compare your views.

See Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime and Agree, Build, and Compare.

Step 7. Move to Action
The key in this step is to identify actions.  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler write:

“Determine who does what by when.  Make the deliverables crystal clear.  Set a follow-up time.  Record the commitments and then follow up.  Finally, hold people accountable to their promises.”

The key here is to turn crucial conversations into action and results.  

See 4 Decision Making Methods.

My Related Posts

• Crucial Conversations Book Nuggets
• Start with Heart
• Learn to Look
• Six Styles Under Stress
• Make It Safe
• Master My Stories
• Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime
• Agree, Build, and Compare
• 4 Decision Making Methods

4 Power Listening Tools (AMPP)
AMPP stands for:

• Ask.  Ask the other person what’s really going on.
• Mirror.  Mirror means describe how the other person looks or acts (e.g. you seem upset, you seem angry at me). 
• Paraphrase.  Paraphrase what you’ve heard using your own words.
• Prime. Prime means take your best guess at what the other person might be thinking.

Ask to Get Things Rolling
To break a downward spiral, Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest invite the other person to talk about what’s really going on:

The easiest and most straightforward way to encourage others to share their Path to Action is simply to invite them to express themselves.  For example, often all it takes to break an impasse is to seek to understand other’s views.  When we show genuine interest, people feel less compelled to use silence or violence.

Mirror to Confirm Feelings
When another person’s tone of voice or gestures are inconsistent with their words, Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest “mirroring”:

When we mirror, as the name suggests, we hold a mirror up to the other person – describing how they look or act.  Although we may not understand other’s stories or facts, we can see their actions and get clues about their feelings.

Paraphrase to Acknowledge the Story
To build additional safety in the conversation, Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest paraphrasing what you’ve heard:

Asking and mirroring may help you get part of the other person’s story out into the open.  When you get a clue about why the person is feeling as he or she does, you can build additional safety by paraphrasing what you’ve heard.  Be careful not to simply parrot back what was said.  Instead, put the message in your own words – usually in an abbreviated form.

Prime When You’re Getting Nowhere
According to Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler, consider priming when you think the other person still has something to share and they might do so with a little more effort on your part:

The power-listening term priming comes from the expression “priming the pump.”  If you’ve ever worked an old-fashioned hand pump, you understand the metaphor.  With a pump, you often have to pour some water into it to get it running.  Then it works just fine.  When it comes to power listening, sometimes you have to offer your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling.  You have to pour some meaning into the pool before the other person will do the same.

Key Take Aways
Here’s my key take aways:

• Ask the other person what’s really going on.  Direct and effective.
• Mirror back to the person what you see.   Reflect back what you see.
• Paraphrase back in your own words.  Don’t parrot back.  Use your own words to check what you’ve heard.
• Prime the pump to get the dialogue flowing.  Share your best guess for what’s going on to encourage the other person to open up.

My Related Posts

• Agree, Build, and Compare
• Learn to Look
• Make It Safe
• Master My Stories
• Mutual Purpose
• Start With Heart

Remember Your ABCs 
Remember you’re ABCs:

• Agree – agree when you agree.
• Build – build when others leave out key pieces.
• Compare – compare when you differ.

Agree
While you need to work through disagreements, start with an area of agreement.  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler  write:

So here’s the take-away.  If you completely agree with the other person’s path, say so and move on.  Agree when you agree.  Don’t turn an agreement into an argument.

Build
If you agree with what’s been said but the information is incomplete, Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest building:

On the other hand, when you watch people who are skilled in dialogue, it becomes clear that they’re not playing this everyday game of Trivial Pursuit – looking for trivial differences and then proclaiming them aloud.  In fact, they’re looking for points of agreement.  As a result, they’ll often start with the words “I agree.”  Then they talk about the part they agree with.  At least, that’s where they start.

Compare
When you differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong.  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest comparing your two views:

Finally, if you do disagree, compare your path with the other person’s.  That is, rather than suggesting that he or she is wrong, suggest that you differ.  He or she may, in fact, be wrong, but you don’t know for sure until you hear both sides of the story.  For now, you just know that the two of you differ.  So instead of pronouncing “Wrong!” start with a tentative but candid opening such as “I think I see things differently.  Let me describe how.”

Key Take Aways
Here’s my key take aways:

• Agree when you agree.  State what you agree with.  This helps build rapport.
• Build on what you agree with.   Start with what you agree with to build momentum.  Don’t focus on trivial flaws and blow them out of proportion.
• Compare your views rather than state others are wrong.  To stay connected, get curious on how you see things differently.

My Related Posts

• Crucial Conversations
• Learn to Look
• Make It Safe
• Master My Stories
• Mutual Purpose
• Start with Heart

Tell me you’ve never had a difficult boss to work for? Even if you work for yourself, I’m sure you’ve had days where you’ve hated the boss. Well, what if there were patterns of these “difficult bosses,” and, if you knew them, you could either avoid them or you could work more effectively with them. In fact, you could even work with your own “inner boss” more effectively.

Coping with Difficult Bosses
In the book Coping with Difficult Bosses, Robert Bramson not only names these difficult bosses, but he shows you how to recognize the patterns are, and he gives you prescriptive guidance for dealing with them. Given that your boss or manager can have a large impact on your daily satisfaction, what better way to improve your day than learn these patterns of effectiveness.

My Review
I found the book entertaining and insightful. There’s so many frameworks for understanding people and behavior that it can be tough to cut through the contradictions and the fog. This book is amazingly simple, yet powerfully effective. In fact, I draw from these techniques when I coach my mentees. I also use the book to reflect on my own difficult behaviors and work to improve them. The key in the book is that you are not your behavior. Anybody at any time can behave like a difficult boss. This book is your mental judo for turning those situations around and creating more effective working relationships with the bosses in your life.

My Book Nuggets
Here’s my nuggets from the book so far …

The Difficult Boss Types:

• Coping with Bulldozing Expert Know-It-Alls
• Coping with Power-Clutchers, Paranoids and Perfectionists
• Coping with Super-Delegators
• Coping with Wafflers
• Coping with Stallers
• Coping with Fire Eaters
• Coping with Ogres

Understanding difficult bosses:

• Five Thinking Styles
• Understanding From the Inside
• When Good Bosses Turn Bad

Key strategies:

• How To Repair a Broken Work Relationship
• Seven Planning Questions for Coping with a Difficult Boss

Your Goal
Get commitments you can count on. Brinkman and Kirschner write:

“Your goal with this problem person is to get commitments you can count on, by making it safe for that person to be honest, teaching him or her task-management strategies, and strengthening the relationship. … The challenge is to get them to do what they say they will do.”

Action Plan
Brinkman and Kirschner provide prescriptive guidance for dealing with Yes people:

• Make it safe to be honest. Make the communication environment a safe one so that the two of you can honestly examine whether promises being made in the future will be promises kept. This could be a one-time long conversation, or it may require several meetings over an extended period of time.
• Talk honestly. If you think the Yes Person is angry or resentful about something, or believes in the excuses, whether justified in your opinion or not, encourage the person to talk it out with you. Hear him out, without contradicting, jumping to conclusions, or taking offense.
• Help the person learn to plan. Once you’ve listened to your Yes Person’s point of view, it will be obvious to you “why” you can’t take “yes” as an answer. This is the time to create a learning opportunity. By using the past experience as a template, you can go back together and approach the task as if it’s in the future. What motivation was missing? What could have been done differently? How else could the situation have been handled? Help the Yes Person focus in on the specific action and steps and process involved in accomplishing the task.
• Ensure commitments. At the end of the discussion, thank your Yes Person for talking the problems out with you, and ask, “What will you do differently the next time you’ve made a promis to me and you are unable to carry it out?” Once you’ve received your answer, you must follow through and ensure commitment. See Five Ways to Ensure Commitment and Follow-Through.
• Strengthen the relationship. Look at every interaction as a chance to strenghten the relationship. Acknowledge the times when your Yes People are honest with you about doubts and concerns, make an event ouf of every completed commitment, and be very careful how you deal with broken promises. Five Ways to Strengthen a Relationship.

Key Take Aways
Here’s my key take aways:

• Be careful of your own wishful thinking. Remember that a “Yes” doesn’t mean it will get done. Follow up and avoid surprises. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
• Remember that they mean well. They don’t say Yes to screw you. It’s an aim to please and because they have some poor task-management practices.
• Use it to improve your task-management skills. It’s one thing to get your direct tasks done. It’s another to manage the completion of tasks you delegate or have a dependency on.
• Think of yourself as a mentor. Not everybody is successful at managing priorities or managing what’s on their plate or setting expectations. Share what you’ve learned that works.

My Related Posts

• The Lens of Human Understanding
• Five Ways to Ensure Commitment and Follow-Through
• Five Ways to Strengthen a Relationship
• Make It Safe
• Start With Heart
• Situational Leadership II

When Someone Does Something They Promised
How do you turn a promise kept or a task completed into a memorable experience Brinkman and Kirschner write the following:

• Tell them what they did right, as specifically as possible. Don’t tell them what your opinion of it is, just the facts. “Teri, you promised to pull together the proposal for the presentation, and you did exactly what you promised.”
• Tell them how others were affected to the best of your
  ability. “As a result, the client decided to do business with us. The ‘old man’ is as happy as can be and we made Ms. Rooklyn look real good. “
• Tell them how you feel about it … pleased, impressed, grateful. “I am grateful that you took care of this. I’m also impressed with the design of hte whole proposal! The graphics were great. You made a whole lot of information easy to absorb. The presentation couldn’t have worked out as well as it did without your involvement. Thank you for your caring.”
• Project positive intent. Tell them, “That’s one of the things I like about you.” You’re wanting to build their mental association with keeping their word. “You know I really like that about you. When you do something, you do it right. That was really terrific!”
• Let them know you are looking forward to more of the same in the
  future. “It’s been a real pleasure getting to work with you on this, and I’m looking forward to more opportunities in the future to team up with you.”

When Someone Doesn’t Do Something They Promised
How do you turn a broken promise or uncompleted task into a learning opportunity? Brinkman and Kirschner write the following:

• Tell them what they did, describing what happened as specifically as possible. Don’t give them your opinion, but do give them the facts. Make sure you do this with caring and sincerity.
• Tell them how other people were affected, to the best of your
  ability. “As a result we looked bad in front of an important client. Ms. Rooklyn and the ‘old man’ were disappointed. They lost confidence in us.
• Tell them how they feel about it … disappointed, angry, frustrated, and so on. Don’t exaggerate, but do be honest. “Quite honestly, I’m disappointed and very frustrated over this.
• Project positive intent. Tell them, “That’s not like you.” Even if it is like them. Rather than denying positive projects, people consistently attempt to fullfill them. “That’s not like you to let all those people down. I know you care about doing great work and being part of the team, and I know you’re capable of doing what you say. I also know that you don’t have to make promises you can’t keep.”
• Ask what they learned from the experience, or what they would do differently if given the chance to do it again. This is called a learning moment, and it changes negative memories into useful experiences. “So, tell me, what would you do differently if you could do it again?” Using this method, you can turn a failure into a success for both of you.

Key Take Aways
Here’s my key take aways:

• Be specific. Details and precision help over precision. Rather than vague connections to positive or negative behavior, specifics help clarify any ambiguity. Fleshing out details also helps make it real and more memorable.
• Point out the impact. Often times negative behavior isn’t intentional. It can be behavior blindness. Pointing out the impact helps the person gain perspective and reflect. Pointing out the impact of positive impact, helps reenforce the good behavior you’re looking for.
• Use questions to help reflection. Unsolicited advice falls on deaf ears. Invovle the person in the process. Asking solution focused questions helps them internalize.

My Related Posts

• Start With Heart
• Make It Safe
• Mutual Purpose
• Learn to Look
• Six Styles Under Stress
• When Good Bosses Turn Bad

Seven Planning Questions
Bramson provides the following seven questions for preparing a coping conversation with your Difficult Boss:

• Planning Question 1: What Does Your Boss Do That Bothers You?
• Planning Question 2: How Have You Both Reacted?
• Planning Question 3: What Kind of Difficult Boss Problem Is It?
• Planning Question 4: What Are Your Specific Goals?
• Planning Question 5: What Is Your Action Plan?
• Planning Question 6: What Other Players Need to Be Involved?
• Planning Question 7: How Will You Monitor Your Plan?

Planning Question 1: What Does Your Boss Do That Bothers You?
Bramson writes:

“What behavior has led you to characterize your boss as difficult? Be specific and descriptive as possible. Pick some of the worst instances and describe just what your boss has done and said that you find objectionable.”

Think through what and how you plan to say to avoid triggering more explosions. Consider a writing a script to avoid hints of accusing, nagging or complaing. For example, “When this happens, I react in this way, and it has these effects.”

Planning Question 2: How Have You Both Reacted?
Bramson writes:

“How have you both reacted to your boss’s difficult behavior? How did you feel? Whad di you say or do? How did your boss react to what you said and did? As much as you can, try for detail. Did you stand up? Did your boss point a finger? Did you look down? Specifics of that sort identify ways in which you may have unwittingly reinforced your boss’s difficult behavior.”

Planning Question 3: What Kind of Difficult Boss Problem Is It?
Bramson writes:

“Think broadly about your predicament, and probe for underlying causes that might not be apparent when your sole focus is on what hurts. Are there confusions about expectations and levels of authority, do you have a behavior blindness problem, have interactions gone sour? Do you simply have a boss who fits one or more of the specific difficult behavior types? (Keep in mind that about 35 percent of the Difficult Bosses you might be unlucky enough to encounter bring at least two of those behavior patterns into play, although seldom both at the same time.)

It is possible, if unlikely, that all of the underlying causes will apply to your boss. Don’t give up. Instead, rank each one of them from most applicable to least applicable and plan to work from the top of your list.”

See the following relevant posts:

• Behavior Blindness
• Interactional Accidents
• Expert Know-It-Alls
• Power-Clutchers, Paranoids and Perfectionists
• Stallers, Wafflers, and Super-Delegators
• Ogres and Fire-Eaters

Planning Question 4: What Are Your Specific Goals?
Bramson writes:

“The main question here is, what do I want my boss to do more of, less of, or do differently? Resist the temptation to wish your boss into a paragon of virtues. Reflect on what really hurts the most, or interferes most with your own best performance. Do you value your boss’s honest feedback, but wish that it would be delivered in a way that was less sarcastic, or in other ways demeaning? If you could count on your boss to actively support your next promotional opportunity, would that take the greatest edge from your having a boss who’s otherwise not very strong?

You may find it helpful to start with a wish list of adjectives – stronger, less hostile, less indecisive. However, your final statement of your goals should also include the clues, subtle or obvious, that will tell you when those goals have been reached.”

Planning Question 5: What Is Your Action Plan?
Bramson writes”

“To the point you’ve assessed, as best you could, the nature and causes of your boss’s difficult behavior. Your next step is to decide which actions offer the most chance for improvement … Note what you will say to your boss, how you will try to say it, the most suitable timing and settings, and how you expect (not hope) your boss will initially react.”

Planning Question 6: What Other Players Need to Be Involved?
Bramson writes:

“At times, your coping plan may need to include fellow workers, human-resources people, or your boss’s boss.”

Additional Considerations:

• Be realistic about your goals. Start off your sentence with “What I would like” and focus on specific changes that would clearly enable you to be more personally effective on the job.
• Ask the senior manager to setup a three-way conference – you, your boss, and your boss’s boss – focused on how you and your boss can work together more effectively.
• Indicate you will not let the matter drop. Offer to let your boss’s boss know that you will let them know how things are going in a month.
• Stay focused on problem solving language. For example, “Can we leave this all in the past? Tell me specifically what you expect from me and what stands you’ll use to judge me against. I’ll do my best to meet them. In return, I’ll expect …” or “It’s what will happen from now on that I’m interested in …”

Planning Question 7: How Will You Monitor Your Plan?
You’ll need to answer questions like these:

• Am I actually doing what my plan called for?
• Did I, perhaps, peg my boss as the wrong difficult type, confusing a constantly bullying Ogre with a Fire-Eating monster who only attacks when I overrun a deadline?
• Can I see any results? What seems to be working well? What is not?
• How should I modify my approach, given my boss’s reactions to my first efforts?
• How am I doing personally? Am I feeling more or less powerless to deal with this situation?
• Would my obtaining counseling or training – on how to communicate more assertively, say – be helpful?

Bramson also suggests reviewing your your plan with a friendly counselor.

Key Take Aways
Here’s my key take aways:

• Build a roadmap. Having a sketch of a plan is better than shooting from the hip where emotions and sensitive areas are concerned.
• Get specific. Generalizations don’t help. To turn insights into action, use concrete examples, stories to exemplify, and get specific on what good will look like or what your “tests for success” are.
• Do a dry run. Doing a dry run of your conversation should expose some things you might have overlooked and help you anticipate a variety of your boss’s potential responses.
• Test your assumptions. When you’re analyzing it’s important to be able to separate your conclusions from the underlying facts and assumptions. To get the fact on the table, ask yourself, what did you see, or what did you hear, so you can get a firm foundation. Simply doing this might give you new perspective on the problem.
• Involve others. Use others as a sounding board and for reality checks as well as additional perspective and insights.
• Focus on problem solving. Problem solving is about getting clarity on the problem and focusing on how to move forward while throwing solutions at the problem until something sticks and proves effective.
• Stay focused on your personal effectiveness. At the end of the day, if something’s holding you back from your best you or your best work, own it and focus on reducing friction, barriers, and hurdles to your success.

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“Thinking is more interesting than knowing, but less interesting than looking” — Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

You improve your communication with others when you can match their thinking style.

You can also avoid rubbing your boss the wrong way by paying close attention to how they approach the tasks of the day.

In Coping with Difficult Bosses, Robert Bramson identifies five thinking styles to categorize our modes of thinking and problem solving we use most frequently.

Key Take Aways
Here are my key take aways:

• Seek first to understand, then to be understood. The more you understand somebody, the better you can adapt your style. I think the five thinking styles are a helpful framework in addition to understanding somebody’s learning style ( auditory, visual, or kinesthtic), their NLP meta-programs, their motivation (towards pleasure or away from pain), their values, their "rules", their extraversion and introversion tendencies, their passive or aggressive tendencies, whether they are more "task-centered" or "people-centered", their decision making style (consult-and-decide or build consensus), and their management styles (Autocratic, Paternalistic, Democratic, and Laissez-faire.)
• Establish rapport. I think the heart of identifying the five thinking-styles revolves around establishing rapport. Rapport is the key to communication, influence, and trust.
• Know the anti-patterns. It’s probably more important to know how to avoid rubbing somebody the wrong way, than getting the preferred or ideal communication style exactly right.
• Wear different hats. I think you can use the Six-Thinking Hats concept to switch your hat based on who you are working with. Each hat you put on or take off can represent a different thinking style.

Five Thinking Styles
According to Bramson, the five thinking styles are:

• Synthesists
• Idealists
• Pragmatist Thinkers
• Analyst Thinkers
• Realist Thinkers

Synthesists
According to Bramson, "Synthesists are creative thinkers who perceives the world in terms of opposites.  When you say black, they think white, when you say long, they think short."
To connect with Synthesists, Bramson suggests "listen appreciatively to their speculation and don’t confuse their arguing nature with resistance."

Idealists
According to Bramson, "Idealists believe in lofty goals and standards."
To connect with Idealists, Bramson suggests "associate what you want to do with these goals of quality, service, and community good."

Pragmatic Thinkers
According to Bramson, "Pragmatic thinkers are flexible, resourceful folk who look for immediate payoff rather than for a grand plan that will change the world."

To connect with Pragmatists, Bramson suggests "emphasize short-term objectives on which you can get started with resources at hand."

Analyst Thinkers
According to Bramsom, "Analyst thinkers equate accuracy, thoroughness, and attention to detail with completeness.  They are likely to gather data, measure it, categorize it, and rationally and methodically calculate the right answer to any problem you come up with.
To connect to Analysts, Bramson suggests "provide a logical plan replete with back-up data and specifications."

Realist Thinkers
According to Bramson, "Realist thinkers are fast moving doers who know that reality is what their senses – sight, sound, taste, smell, and touch – tell them it is, and not that dry stuff that one finds in accounting ledgers, or the insipid pages of manual of operations."

To connect with Realists, Bramson suggests, "If you communicate with Realist bosses as if they were Analysts, you will never get their attention. Rather than gobs of computer-printouts and other detailed information, Realists want a three-paragraph “Executive Summary” which tells briefly what is wrong and how you propose to fix it. For rather complicated reasons, they will often take you at your word if they see you as a qualified expert. You become an expert in their eyes when they know that you’ve assembled a store of facts in which they are interested, and you have proposed a set of actions that they already believe are the best things to do.”

How To Use the Five Thinking Styles
Take the time to place your boss or who you need to interact with into one or two of the five thinking-style categories. Keep in mind that while one or two styles predominates for most people, about fifteen percent use all five styles equally. Those who do, are seldom difficult bosses. Once you’ve identified their preferred categories, figure out how you can change your approach to better suit their style.

Photo by Ivan Zuber

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