Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Rob Boucher on his lessons in love. I’ve worked with Rob for many years at Microsoft, and he was one of my early mentors. Rob is more than a colleague. He is a good friend, and one of the most insightful people I know.

In the spirit of Valentine’s day, I asked Rob to write a special guest post on the best lessons he learned in love. I asked him to put down on paper, the most insightful lessons on love that he now knows, that he wish he knew back when he was starting out in life.

Rob delivered. And he dives deep. His insights are powerful on multiple levels. No matter how much you already know about love, you are sure to find some new ideas, fresh perspectives, and brilliant “ah-has” that you can use in your own life, or share with someone you know.

Rob’s post is organized in three main sections: lessons in love, ways to grow, and an approach for fear and wounds. I think you will find each section to be an incredible gift, as Rob shares his lessons of the heart, from the heart, in a very raw and real way.

Without further ado, here is Rob on what he learned about love …

I’ve been through a lot in my lifetime with love.  Valentine’s day brings the concept of love to the forefront, but I know that in my past I’ve been confused about what love really is and is not.

Our heart knows what love is, but the messages from society have often diluted our inner wisdom, at times even misleading us entirely. What we believe about love will greatly affect our experience of it.

I came from a place of need and trying to make people love me into a place where I understand what’s happening and can more readily flow in life. As I’ve gotten better, I can open more and more and even handle complexities of love that I couldn’t before.

12 Lessons Learned in Love

The following is a list of some of the learnings that have helped me over the years.  This is what I wish someone had told me while I was growing up.  While at first it might seems that all this kills the fun of love, I’ve found that it actually frees me to have more fun because I understand the mechanisms of how I feel loved and I can love others.

Lesson #1 – Love vs. Fear. Don’t Confuse Them.

Ultimately, we have the ability to choose between these two. The most succinct contrast I’ve seen is
“Fear is the energy which contracts, closes down, draws in, runs, hides, hordes, harms. Love is the energy which expands, opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares, heals. Fear wraps our bodies in clothing, love allows us to stand naked. Fear clings to and clutches all that we have, love gives all that we have away. Fear holds close, love holds dear, Fear grasps, love lets go. Fear rankles, love soothes, Fear attacks, love amends.”

Lesson #2 – Separate Love from Need and Wanting.

Ignore popular culture.  Separate love from need and wanting.  Do not confuse these even though songs, TV, and literature often make them the same. They are not.

1. Need is the belief that you cannot possibly live without that someone or something.
2. Wanting is the belief that you do not have something and the desire to obtain it.  When you grasping for a want, you are saying it’s a need. e.g. “Please don’t leave me. I can’t live without you”.

I say belief here because I’ve noticed that in changing my mind about what I need, some things have fallen away. They were never needs or wants at all. I was after something else that I thought that the want or need would bring me. Like asking for a soda because I was thirsty and only after realizing that soda actually dehydrates me in the long run.

Certainly attraction is part of love, but when you start to grasp and become desperate, you’ve left the realm of love. You simply cannot force or manipulate someone into loving you. Wanting is fine in that it can expose our desires and motivations, but if you have an expectation that your wants will always be fulfilled, you are crossing the line into need. The more you need from another, less you can truly love them.  You are generating your internal energy and well-being from trying to control your outside world.

Controlling the outside world is always a struggle. You end up running your life like it’s a juggling match, trying to arrange it so all your needs and wants can be met. How are you going to love someone if they do not show up how you need them too? You get bitter, resentful, or at the least, drained. Naturally, you will fear losing the outside source of your well-being and you attempt to control the other person(s). This suffocates your relationship(s) over time. Confusing love and need leads to mistaken ideas like jealously is love, drama in a relationship is love, codependence is love, love hurts, and other such confusion. While these are common and normal, they are not at all related to love.

Love is NOT need.

Lesson #3 – There is Only So Much Love to Go Around.

This is a fear based idea. There may be limited time or resources to spend on people, but when you give love to one person, you don’t have less to give to another.  If anything, I’ve found that it can increase your capacity to love elsewhere. Jealousy is our ego saying “I’m not getting enough” . This should be addressed in the relationship by accepting it, loving it and then moving on from it. Concentrate on what you want to create with the other person and who they are being with you vs what else they are doing with their time or energy. Get out of the scarcity mentality.

Lesson #4 – Unconditional Love. No Conditions. Not trading.

Give to empower with the birthday present model   Unconditional love means “love without condition”. Much of this confusion can come from religious beliefs since many tell us that we have to meet some criteria for “the Creator” to love us.  Entertain that it’s possible to love someone without conditions and the more whole you are, the more that’s possible. Most of us have rarely experienced that because of the confusion with love and need.

Unconditional love can only be given when the giver is not dependent on the other person for something.  The givers love has to be generated internally. It follows that true love is freely given without requirement or expectation. It’s a gift. This doesn’t mean the giver doesn’t have needs as well, but a giver can remove the expectation of receiving when they give. Do not turn “I love you very much” into “I trade you very much”. If as the giver you are getting drained, then concentrate on what will give you energy. Don’t demand that that energy come from your lover.  Ask for it, but don’t demand it.  If you are tired of giving, stop and recharge. If you notice the giving is disempowering someone and making them more dependent, stop giving and help them to learn to meet their own needs.

I try to remember this by thinking about getting or giving a birthday present. I give with no strings attached and I try to give what the other person says they want. It is easier if they tell me what  they want instead of my trying to guess, but I’m willing to try either way. That gift should mean something to them, not necessarily to me. The other person may throw the gift out, that’s fine. I draw energy in that I gave. Then if I need something myself and I don’t get it for my birthday, I go out and buy it for myself. I encourage the other person to do the same and not rely on me to give them everything they want.  This frees everyone up to receive and to give without putting expectations into the picture. We don’t expect to get our basic needs met on our birthday. I’m not going to rely on someone to feed me via birthday presents.

Lesson # 5 – Fearful Protection is Only Necessary Because of Our Needs and Wounds.

Heal them and you reduce the need to protect yourself. As mentioned in point 1, love expands and opens itself. What about being hurt? Where does that come from? That’s pretty common in our close relationships. If someone physically hurts us, that’s a bodily response. But most of the pain around love in relationships starts or remains in the emotional area.

I’ve used the model of “emotional wounds” in myself. It makes it easier to think about what I should do because it seems more obvious if I had a physical wound. When someone touches an emotional wound in me, it’s like they’ve brushed up against an open wound on my skin. It hurts.  We are hurt when someone reinforces judgments we may suspect about ourselves. Those judgments show up as our wounds.

Use caution, but not fear. Caution here means that you realize that you have these sensitivities and you don’t needlessly expose them and get hurt. Fear would mean you are in a constant state of dread that someone will hit them and so you run away or seal up.

If you suspect that someone is likely to reject you, factor that in to how you proceed. Caution acknowledges natural consequences. You want to play football, but you’ve got a wound. So you put on a band-aid or even a plastic covering taking into account the environment you are entering.

However, when the need to protect yourself or another comes along with anger and emotional drama, it’s from fear. When there is a desire for retribution, that’s fear. Often when we open up, we at the same time fear that another will not.  Others behavior can inform you. It doesn’t have to hurt.  You can actually be open and not be hurt. The hurt comes from needing another to return that same feeling, thus proving you are lovable. If you believe that you are lovable, this is not a problem. You simply move on to those where you can express love and receive it back.

Lesson # 6 – The More Needs You Have About How Someone is Supposed to Show Up, the More You Have to Protect Yourself.

Personally, I make it okay that my mate can change her mind about what she wants in the future and so can I. This allows for growth.  The less you give yourself from the inside, the more requirements you have about how others show up. The more you love and accept yourself, the less necessary it is to protect those inner parts and you don’t resist change.

Lesson # 7 – Ultimately, Love Lets Go.

If you’ve followed what’s above, then you understand that “needing” and “grasping” is fear based.  When you don’t need as much, you can see that you can continue to love people even when their wants and desire conflict with yours.

Lesson # 8 – Be Dedicated to the Quality of Your Relationship, Not its Longevity.

We all know people who probably should not be together because the energy they create together is toxic to them and/or those around them. If you concentrate on how to heal yourself, meet your own needs,  and make your relationship healthy, you may either stay together or separate.  One is not better than the other.  If you figure out how to be healthy and stay together, your relationship deepens to the next level and you have a greater capacity for trust and intimacy. If it does not, you may separate, but you will not have the bitter, no holds barred, damaging divorces that seem to happen on a regular basis. These are caused by needs and expectations. You may separate with or without sadness, but never malice. You may actually find that your love relationship with that person still grows. The love doesn’t (have to) go away. The relationship just changes.

Lesson # 9 – Love Another as Yourself, not Instead Of, or More Than.

A misinterpretation of the ethic of giving has led people to believe they can love themselves only through others. “Love your neighbor as yourself” means keep the two as equal as possible. “Love your neighbor and yourself” “would be a better translation to me. When giving progressively drains you over time, you are not giving from a sustainable place. Eventually, you give yourself away and then there is nothing left.  Love considers the well- being of those doing the loving.

Lesson # 10 – Reject the “Complete Me” Model. Think Three, not One.

Don’t try to be one person with your mate.  This leads to a belief of needing another to be whole. Relationships change and move. Have you, your mate, and the relationship.  Think of a relationship as something you both have to feed with time and energy. When one person doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore, then it affect two parts, but it doesn’t take you with it. You let go and you are intact.

Lesson # 11 – Understand the Difference.

Understand the difference between intimacy, connection, infatuation, lust, touch, sex, nurturing and love. Be clear on what you are trying to experience. Most people fold these all together in some way.  It’s not that these things can’t go together with love or enhance it, the same way the food in a recipe comes together to make something greater than the whole. But if you think that milk and eggs are the same and then you keep adding more eggs to a recipe, you are going to come out with something that’s not likely to taste good. In the same way, your relationship will seem like something is missing or you have too much of something.  Later in this post, I go through definitions of each of these and how to draw distinctions.

And don’t expect your desires to matches your mates. You are two different people.  There has to be some overlap obviously, but respect that people have different tastes and so want different proportions in their recipes.

Lesson # 12 – What Makes Us “Feel Loved” Varies.

Lesson #11 doesn’t include every possibility of course.  Feeling loved often boils down to a set of attributes like those listed in lesson #11.  When you experience them with your lover, you naturally become closer.

We each have our love languages. There is even a book called “The 5 Love Languages”. Take the time to figure this out and express it to your mate. Don’t make your mate responsible for figuring it out.

4 Ways to Grow in Life and Love

I’ve grown from my experiences.    I’ve learned a lot of lessons the hard way.  I continue to grow.   That’s just it though … It really is a journey.   Here are some ways that I’ve learned to grow throughout my journey:

Way to Grow #1 – Be Aware and Look Inside.

Our motivations are often mixed. Pay attention to how you are feeling. If you pay attention (be aware), you see more about what is driving you. Your body and indeed your heart will feel like it’s opening or contracting. Accept when you are coming from fear and look at what you think you need. With more awareness comes the ability to choose your response and avoid behaviors that feed painful relationship drama. Actions like bullying, threatening, verbal attacks, name calling, passive aggressive behaviors, etc, fall away as you see they are not effective and add to the contraction of both parties.  Your inner compass will naturally start want to make decisions from love and your inner stability will not be based on the other persons feelings or reactions.

Way to Grow #2 – Own Your Emotions, Actions, and Needs

You slowly dissolve need by realizing you aren’t always going to get what you want from other people. You take responsibility for your own emotions, actions and the ability to meet your own needs, even if not fully. You work to find the right people who can give you what you desire. My wife likes to say “You can’t get bread at Radio Shack”. No matter how much you jump up and down and scream, it’s not going to happen.

Try expressing that you do not need something and see what happens. Ultimately all needs are a strategy for us to feel peaceful and complete. We may have a belief that we have to do something to be someone and feel complete, but in truth the other way around is more effective. Be someone, feel complete and have your doing flow from that. If I’m loving and lovable, how would I express that? How would I feel? Would I be what I’m doing now?

Is it not wrong to need things or someone, but be clear on the difference. I still need my wife, but I’m slowly removing those needs by healing myself. And the point of decision comes when you can’t get that need met anymore. Do you hold on or do you shift and readjust? Get more support from around you. Don’t place all your needs on your mate. Note that you don’t actually need drama to feel passion. There are other healthier ways to create the tension and release cycle that many people get addicted to. Instill the belief that everyone is worthy of being loved, and start with loving yourself.

Also, find out what is not negotiable in yourself. Be careful and pick as few things as possible. For example, I made it clear to my wife that if I had to choose between music and her, music would win because it’s such a part of me. That means being able to listen to it, play it, etc. I chose someone who respected and appreciated that need, even though it may not be “real” in the sense that I may transcend it at some point. I only learned this was a non-negotiable part of me by expressing that I did not need it and seeing what happened inside myself.   I started to wither and be less happy.

However, other things I thought I needed have fallen away just from changing my belief or as I’ve obtained them and realized that I wanted something else. I’ve had attachment to how someone is supposed to look, act, jobs, feelings, etc. Now I’m more careful about what I say I need. Need leads to greed, since I need this is often a justification to take it at whatever cost. I ask myself questions when I say that I do need something. What am I trying to experience through this need?

Way to Grow # 3 – Have You, Your Mate, and the Relationship.

Make this principle more important than staying together. It’s okay for things to be going badly, but notice their general direction and get help to make sure you are resolving your issues. Be wary of conflicting values and don’t make the other person wrong for having a different way of relating or different needs. Recognize the general societal reward for the longevity of a relationship over its quality (“we’ve been together 50 years” <clapping> ) and remind yourself that’s not the best measure.

Way to Grow # 4 – Get Clear on What Characteristics You are After

Earlier I talked about how people can confuse many different characteristics with love.  Get clear on what you are after. Put yourself in different situations, even if only in your mind to find out what you are really after.  If I had this, but not that, would I be getting what I want? You may not be sure or you may be. Either way you learn something.  Understand that certain aspects are short-lived and may be inherently unstable in that they put your energy outside yourself. That is, you are basing how you feel largely on your interaction with another person.

• Intimacy – Best said by separating the word – “Into me you see”. This implies transparency and honesty with yourself and another. It does NOT mean that what you see will be pleasant.  Seeing your mate on the toilet or struggling after surgery is as intimate as is knowing their deepest wishes, dreams and pains. Usually, people can only handle a certain level of intimacy. It stops at the point when they find something in someone else that they are not comfortable with and they resist it.  Test if this is what you want by asking yourself if seeing things that are undesirable or even painful still somehow make you feel closer. If you do, you are likely after intimacy. If not, then you are after something else.
• Connection – The feeling you get that you and someone else are close and safe in that closeness. This doesn’t require intimacy, as is often evidenced by people being able to tell total strangers things they wouldn’t tell their own mate. Certain drugs have been known to create this feeling as well, even when a person is not connected or even safe. One can feel connected and not be. One can be connected and not feel it, as evidenced when people who are loved and cared about commit suicide.  Ultimately, I believe that we can all tie into a spiritual form of connection with ourselves, but it’s something I’ve only glimpsed at this point. Since this is partially about safety, acceptance seems related in my experience.
• Attraction – The desire to be around someone or something. Usually due to some sort of shared interest or appreciate for a quality that another shows that we value. Things like beauty, talent or a certain skill, a manner of being.
• Infatuation – Attraction with an emotional component that’s usually addictive at some level and fed by the novelty of the experience. This is typical in the early parts of a relationship when we can project who we want a person to be in all the places where we don’t really know them. We assume the best. Unstable and likely to dissipate over time because the novelty subsides and intimacy grows.  A friend of mine calls this “New Relationship Energy”.  Most people mistake infatuation for “falling in love”.  This can be extended when the infatuated person doesn’t ever really get to know the object of his or her infatuation. You become sort of an obsessed fan of the other person.
• Lust – Much like infatuation, but focuses on physicality and/or sexual energy of another.  Also likely to dissipate over time as novelty subsides.
• Touch – Physically touching someone. This can be pleasurable to most people (regardless of gender) and may be more  desired by some people vs others. Touch is not sex. Touch a pet, cuddle a child or baby or even a person of the gender you are not attracted to and you’ll start to make this separation.
• Nurturing – Giving your presence and energy to another to provide safety and encourage them to grow.
• Sex – The feeding and release of sexual energy. I use the word energy here because you can have sex with someone and never experience any of the other items above. I can feel this difference, though it’s easy to get it mixed up with other things. I found that when I started to experiment with the other items in this list, 80% of what I was after was actually not sex. This was the beginning of my understanding that these are different characteristics.
• Love – love doesn’t require any of this, though it may be expressed through one or more of these characteristics. I’m sure you can find times in your personal experience where one or more of these qualities was not present and you still loved that person. During the times when you are most loving someone, you may not feel any of the above. At that time, love is an action. It’s a choice where you use the energy you get from other sources to give to whom you are loving. During those times, it’s most important to keep track of your internal energy and balancing loving yourself with loving another.   I’ve had this experience several times. When your mate is in a coma on a respirator, they can’t give you anything. Similar experience can occur due to other traumas or the slow decline of a relationship.

Some common patterns that happen where the confusion between these items shows itself.

• Falling in love and then not lasting long.  A relationship starts based on lust or infatuation, which naturally dissipate over time. People say they “fall out of love”. If they think that initial spark is love, then they have nothing to transition to. Even the concept of “falling in love” implies they have no control and it’s created from outside themselves.
• Trying to get intimacy from sex.
• Resisting sex – A mate resists sex because they are not getting what they need through it.
• Trying to meet non-sexual needs with porn – Not going to work of course, but it’s common to keep trying and get addicted because they aren’t clear what they actually want or need.
• Belief that lust is love – A person feels that their love is based on the physical beauty of their mate. When that fades, so does their love.
• The Cinderella fairy tale -   Someone will come to love and save me. We live happily ever after.  We never experience a time when either of us doesn’t feel loved by the other.

A Model for Fear and Wounds

Fear and wounds can hold us back.   I’ve had to learn to deal with fear and to heal my wounds of the past.  I use this model which works for me.

• People are going to hit your wounds. Expect this. You can’t be intimate and not hit them at least once. Eventually as you get more intimate, someone will hit these wounds and you’ll react, but they won’t know what’s going on. So the trick is to own them as where you are right now and then heal them. My belief is that all wounds can be healed, though I’ve had to work decades on some.
• Own your wounds. Don’t make others wrong for hitting them. Own them as something created from your past.
  Teach people how to be sensitive. If you had a broken arm and you were going on a hike, you’d have to tell someone and give them some advice of what you can and cannot do.
• Heal it. Believe that you can. Own it and then transcend it. Don’t assume that the wound is there for life.

With this model, it makes more sense how to act:

• Wound from past? You can see how life is different now and the wound left over.
• Wound happening in present? If your life is not different, then you can take action.  Change your beliefs, thoughts, behaviors and who you interact with so you are not continually wounding yourself or letting other wound you.  Don’t stay in situations or mental states that keep you wounded or create new ones. If someone is really trying to hurt us (including ourselves), this reinforces the wound and keeps the sensitivity cycle going.
• Get good at healing and you don’t have to protect. Remember Wolverine in the X-Men? He can heal almost instantly? When you can heal faster, you don’t have to protect as much.
• Accept that pain doesn’t mean something is wrong. It’s information. When you feel pain, you can follow that down to where you are wounded if you ask questions. If you run away from the pain, you cannot find the source and you stay wounded. It’s like taking a drug for a headache, covering up that you have a brain tumor. Also, pain can be part of the healing process. You can also evaluate if another is trying to help you with emotional equivalent of physical therapy. It may hurt, but it’s for the intention of healing. The intention makes a difference.
• Have caution around the formation of new wounds. In my case, my now wife has almost died 5 times over the past 9 years. I hadn’t had a wound around death and in this case I was consciousness enough to keep a deep one from forming.   Otherwise, I’d run around being afraid of that happening again, thus removing my ability to connect with her while she’s alive and taking a lot of energy to heal it. It did affect me, but I went through most pain in the moment vs. continually for months or years after.  I’ve also watched over time as commercials try to generate new wounds (wants) in myself around the size of my penis or how much hair I have on my head.  While these may be actual factors that people use to choose (which is fine), they have nothing to do with if you are lovable or not. Appreciate yourself and be the person you like. Then find someone who appreciates what you like about you.
• Be careful of mislabeling wounds in others.  A drawback of this model is that you may label a wound in someone else inappropriately.  Use this on yourself and keep it in mind for others, but be careful of boxing them into your way of thinking. You telling them who they are can be what’s causing them to be wounded.

Those are my lessons, my ways to grow, and my model for fear and wounds.  While we each have to learn our own language for love, and go on our own personal journeys, I hope that my lessons help you see your own love life in some new and helpful way.

Photo by Julien Haler.

“What do I say when it’s all over … And sorry seems to be the hardest word.” — Elton John

Mistakes happen.  People fall down.  What’s important is how you get back up.  This is really geared towards leaders and pro-active repair, but I think the frame below is useful in many everyday situations.  It’s powerful because you’re owning your mistake, you’re acknowledging it, and you’re finding a way forward.  What you resist persists, and dwelling doesn’t help.

In the book, Power Thinking: How the Way You Think Can Change the Way You Lead , John N. Mangieri, Ph.D., and Cathy Collins Block, Ph. D., write about proactively repairing when things go wrong, as a more effective way to think and act.

4 Steps to Practice Repair
Mangieri and Block share the following steps for proactive repair:

1. Find out what went wrong.
2. Apologize for negative outcomes that your decision or behavior caused.
3. Explain why you made the decision (or took the initial, ineffective action.)
4. State what you want to achieve in the future with a new decision or action.

I think an important addition is empathic listening — listen until the other person feels heard, and don’t get defensive.

When do you use these steps? According to Mangieri and Block, “as soon as a leader’s self-respect diminishes, indicating that a decision or behavior just enacted was not effective or proper.”

Mangieri and Block say that it’s about acknowledging what went wrong, and co-creating the future:

Repair occurs whenever it is necessary to enact a thoughtful action to remedy the damage or ill will that a past decision or action created.  Repair begins by acknowledging the negative consequence your actions caused (by saying, for example, “I am aware that my decision angered and frustrated many of you”).  Then you state that you want to avoid such detrimental effects in the future.  Openly ask for others to offer suggestions that can ensure that such decisions or action will not occur again, and state an action that you are going to take to ensure that it does not.

From what I’ve seen, even if you fumble with the words, if it’s from the heart, that’s what matters.

In the end, the most important thing is — it’s got to come from the right place.

Photo by Leonid Mamchenkov.

Knowing the source of conflict is one of the first steps to dealing with it effectively.  It’s easy to blame communication as the source of conflict, but it’s not always the case. 

In fact, it usually isn’t.  For example, communication is the source of conflict when styles get in the way, or there are misunderstandings about intent.  Communication is not the source of conflict when it’s things like how your group is structured, personality clashes, or conflict in values.

In my experience, you can reduce conflict by taking away the threats, creating shared goals, and creating more effective boundaries and interactions as needed.  For situations, you can learn to adapt, adjust or avoid, as well as shift tense to reduce conflict.  I also like John Wooden’s advice here, which is basically, it’s OK to disagree, just don’t be disagreeable.

In the book, The Truth About Managing People…And Nothing But the Truth, author Stephen P. Robbins writes about analyzing sources of conflict.

Key Take Aways

Here are my key take aways:

• Communication is not the real cause of most conflicts.  More conflicts tend to come from structural relationships and personal differences.
• Structural relationships can create conflict.  When groups have competing goals, that’s a setup for conflict.  When people face scarcity of resources, turf wars happen.  Reporting structures can shift ownership, influence, and authority around in ways that can create conflict.
• Personality clashes can create conflict.  This is a case where tolerance and thinking techniques can help, but at the end of the day, some people just don’t like each other.
• Differences in values can create conflict.  You want one thing, somebody else wants another.  This is a fairly common source of conflict.
• Too much communication can cause conflict.  While too little communication cause cause conflict, too much communication can cause conflict too.

Structural Relationships Can Create Conflict

Diverse goals within and across groups can create conflict.  Robbins writes:

“Organizations create job descriptions, specialized work groups, jurisdictional borders, and authority relationships – all with the intent to facilitate coordination.  But in so doing, they separate people and create the potential for conflicts.  For instance, departments within organizations have diverse goals. … When groups within an organization seek diverse ends, some of which are inherently at odds, there is increased potential for conflict.”

Personality Clashes Can Create Conflict

Some personalities just don’t get along.  Robbins writes:

“Did you ever meet individuals to whom you took an immediate disliking?  Most of the opinions you disagreed with.  Even insignificant characteristics – the way they cocked their head when they talked or smirked when they smiled – annoyed you.  We’ve all met people like that.  And many of us have to work with people like this; people whose values or personality clash with our own.”

Differences in Values Can Create Conflict

Conflict in values is a common source of interpersonal conflicts.  Robbins writes:

“So, not surprisingly employees differ on the on the importance they place on general values such as honesty, responsibility, equality and ambition.  They also differ on job-related values such as the importance of family over work or freedom versus authority.  These differences often surface in work-related interactions and create significant interpersonal conflicts.”

Too Much Communication Can Create Conflict Too

It’s called over-communicating for a reason.  Robbins writes:

“The evidence actually demonstrates that the potential for conflict increases when there is too much communication as well as when there’s too little.  Apparently, an increase in communication is functional up to a point, whereupon it’s possible to over-communicate.  Too much information as well as too little can lay the foundation for conflict.”

When Managing Conflict, Look at the Source

Rather than just blame poor communication, look for other potential sources of conflict.  Robbins writes:

“So when you’re trying to manage conflicts, take a thoughtful look at their source.  It’s more likely that the conflict is coming from work-imposed requirements, dissimilar values, or personality differences than it is from poor communication.  And that might influence the actions you take to resolve the conflict.

What’s worked for you in dealing effectively with conflict?”

Best Books on Communication and Conflict

Here are some relevant books that I think really help in terms of dealing with conflict:

• The Truth About Managing People…And Nothing But the Truth, by Stephen P. Robbins
• Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion, by Jay Heinrichs
• Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
• Crucial Confrontations, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
• Dealing with People You Can’t Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst , by Dr. Rick Brinkman and Dr. Rick Kirschner
• Coping With Difficult Bosses, by Robert Bramson

My Related Posts

• Shift Tense to Resolve Conflict
• Mutual Purpose
• Start with Heart

Photo by pasukaru76.

“Speak when you are angry – and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” — Dr. Laurence J. Peter

A crucial conversation is any conversation where the stakes are high, emotions run strong and opinions vary.  If you can master crucial conversations, rather than fear your tough conversations, you’ll kick-start your career, strengthen your relationships, and improve your health.   How do you improve your crucial conversations? …

In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler show you specific principles and skills to master your crucial conversations. 

Summary of Steps
Patterson, Grenny, McMillan and Switzler, identify 7 principles for mastering your crucial conversations:

• Step 1. Start with Heart.
• Step 2. Learn to Look.
• Step 3. Make it Safe.
• Step 4. Master My Stories.
• Step 5. STATE My Path.
• Step 6. Explore Other’s Paths.
• Step 7. Move to Action.

I’ve used these techniques on the job and I’ve found them to be some of the most effective techniques for keeping your brain engaged during high-stakes conversations.

Step 1. Start with Heart
In this step, the key is to stay focused on what you really want.  How do you know what you really want?  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest asking yourself:

• What do I really want for myself?
• What do I really want for others?
• What do I really want for the relationship?

See Start with Heart.

Step 2. Learn to Look
In this step, the key is to recognize when safety is at risk.  How do you know when safety is at risk?  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest the following:

• Learn to look at content and conditions.
• Look for when things become crucial.
• Learn to watch for safety problems.
• Look to see if others are moving toward silence or violence.
• Look for outbreaks of your Style Under Stress.

See Learn to Look and Six Styles Under Stress.

Step 3. Make It Safe
In this step, the key is to make it safe.  How do you make it safe to talk about almost anything?  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest the following:

• Decide which condition of safety is at risk.  Is mutual purpose at risk?  Is mutual respect at risk?
• Apologize when appropriate.
• Contrast to fix misunderstanding.
• CRIB to get to Mutual Purpose (Commit to seek Mutual Purpose, Recognize the purpose behind the strategy, Invent a Mutual Purpose, Brainstorm new strategies.)

See Make It Safe.

Step 4. Master My Stories
In this step, the key is to stay in dialogue, even when you start to go into fight-or-flight mode.  How do you stay in dialogue when you’re angry, scared or hurt?  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest the following:

Retrace your path by asking the following questions:

• Am I in some form of silence or violence
• What emotions are encouraging you to ask this way?
• What story is creating these emotions?
• What evidence do you have to support this story?
• Watch for clever stories.

Tell the Rest of the Story

• Are you pretending not to notice your role in the problem?
• Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do this?
• What do you really want?
• What would you do right now if you really wanted these results?

See Master My Stories.

Step 5. STATE My Path
The key in this step is to stay connected and avoid escalating.  How do you speak persuasively, not abrasively?  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest the following:

• Share your facts.  Start with the least controversial, most persuasive elements from your Path to Action.
• Tell your story.  Explain what you’re beginning to conclude.
• Ask for other’s paths.  Encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.
• Talk tentatively.  State your story as a story – don’t disguise it as a fact.
• Encourage testing.  Make it safe for others to express differing or eve opposing views.

Step 6. Explore Others’ Paths
The key in this step is to keep rapport, while listening with empathy.  How can you listen when others blow up or clam up?  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler, suggest the following:

• Ask.  Start by simply expressing interest in the other person’s views.
• Mirror.  Increase safety by respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling.
• Paraphrase.  As others begin to share part of their story, restate what you’ve heard.
• Prime.  If others continue to hold back, take your best guess as what they may be thinking and feeling.
• Agree.  Agree when you do.
• Build.  If others leave something out, agree where you do, then build.
• Compare.  When you do differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong.  Compare your views.

See Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime and Agree, Build, and Compare.

Step 7. Move to Action
The key in this step is to identify actions.  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler write:

“Determine who does what by when.  Make the deliverables crystal clear.  Set a follow-up time.  Record the commitments and then follow up.  Finally, hold people accountable to their promises.”

The key here is to turn crucial conversations into action and results.  

See 4 Decision Making Methods.

My Related Posts

• Crucial Conversations Book Nuggets
• Start with Heart
• Learn to Look
• Six Styles Under Stress
• Make It Safe
• Master My Stories
• Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime
• Agree, Build, and Compare
• 4 Decision Making Methods

4 Power Listening Tools (AMPP)
AMPP stands for:

• Ask.  Ask the other person what’s really going on.
• Mirror.  Mirror means describe how the other person looks or acts (e.g. you seem upset, you seem angry at me). 
• Paraphrase.  Paraphrase what you’ve heard using your own words.
• Prime. Prime means take your best guess at what the other person might be thinking.

Ask to Get Things Rolling
To break a downward spiral, Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest invite the other person to talk about what’s really going on:

The easiest and most straightforward way to encourage others to share their Path to Action is simply to invite them to express themselves.  For example, often all it takes to break an impasse is to seek to understand other’s views.  When we show genuine interest, people feel less compelled to use silence or violence.

Mirror to Confirm Feelings
When another person’s tone of voice or gestures are inconsistent with their words, Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest “mirroring”:

When we mirror, as the name suggests, we hold a mirror up to the other person – describing how they look or act.  Although we may not understand other’s stories or facts, we can see their actions and get clues about their feelings.

Paraphrase to Acknowledge the Story
To build additional safety in the conversation, Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest paraphrasing what you’ve heard:

Asking and mirroring may help you get part of the other person’s story out into the open.  When you get a clue about why the person is feeling as he or she does, you can build additional safety by paraphrasing what you’ve heard.  Be careful not to simply parrot back what was said.  Instead, put the message in your own words – usually in an abbreviated form.

Prime When You’re Getting Nowhere
According to Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler, consider priming when you think the other person still has something to share and they might do so with a little more effort on your part:

The power-listening term priming comes from the expression “priming the pump.”  If you’ve ever worked an old-fashioned hand pump, you understand the metaphor.  With a pump, you often have to pour some water into it to get it running.  Then it works just fine.  When it comes to power listening, sometimes you have to offer your best guess at what the other person is thinking or feeling.  You have to pour some meaning into the pool before the other person will do the same.

Key Take Aways
Here’s my key take aways:

• Ask the other person what’s really going on.  Direct and effective.
• Mirror back to the person what you see.   Reflect back what you see.
• Paraphrase back in your own words.  Don’t parrot back.  Use your own words to check what you’ve heard.
• Prime the pump to get the dialogue flowing.  Share your best guess for what’s going on to encourage the other person to open up.

My Related Posts

• Agree, Build, and Compare
• Learn to Look
• Make It Safe
• Master My Stories
• Mutual Purpose
• Start With Heart

"I do not agree with what you have to say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it." — Voltaire

What do you do when you disagree with another person’s stories or facts?   

In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler write about using your ABCs to agree, build and compare your views when you disagree with the other peron’s facts or stories.

Key Take Aways
Here are my key take aways:

• Agree when you agree.  State what you agree with.  This helps build rapport.
• Build on what you agree with.   Start with what you agree with to build momentum.  Don’t focus on trivial flaws and blow them out of proportion.
• Compare your views rather than state others are wrong.  To stay connected, get curious on how you see things differently.

Remember Your ABCs 
Remember you’re ABCs:

• Agree – agree when you agree.
• Build – build when others leave out key pieces.
• Compare – compare when you differ.

Agree
While you need to work through disagreements, start with an area of agreement.  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler  write:

“So here’s the take-away.  If you completely agree with the other person’s path, say so and move on.  Agree when you agree.  Don’t turn an agreement into an argument.”

Build
If you agree with what’s been said but the information is incomplete, Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest building:

“On the other hand, when you watch people who are skilled in dialogue, it becomes clear that they’re not playing this everyday game of Trivial Pursuit – looking for trivial differences and then proclaiming them aloud.  In fact, they’re looking for points of agreement.  As a result, they’ll often start with the words “I agree.”  Then they talk about the part they agree with.  At least, that’s where they start.”

Compare
When you differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong.  Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler suggest comparing your two views:

“Finally, if you do disagree, compare your path with the other person’s.  That is, rather than suggesting that he or she is wrong, suggest that you differ.  He or she may, in fact, be wrong, but you don’t know for sure until you hear both sides of the story.  For now, you just know that the two of you differ.  So instead of pronouncing ‘Wrong!’ start with a tentative but candid opening such as ‘I think I see things differently.  Let me describe how.’”

My Related Posts

• Crucial Conversations
• Learn to Look
• Make It Safe
• Master My Stories
• Mutual Purpose
• Start with Heart

Tell me you’ve never had a difficult boss to work for? Even if you work for yourself, I’m sure you’ve had days where you’ve hated the boss. Well, what if there were patterns of these “difficult bosses,” and, if you knew them, you could either avoid them or you could work more effectively with them. In fact, you could even work with your own “inner boss” more effectively.

Coping with Difficult Bosses
In the book Coping with Difficult Bosses, Robert Bramson not only names these difficult bosses, but he shows you how to recognize the patterns are, and he gives you prescriptive guidance for dealing with them. Given that your boss or manager can have a large impact on your daily satisfaction, what better way to improve your day than learn these patterns of effectiveness.

My Review
I found the book entertaining and insightful. There’s so many frameworks for understanding people and behavior that it can be tough to cut through the contradictions and the fog. This book is amazingly simple, yet powerfully effective. In fact, I draw from these techniques when I coach my mentees. I also use the book to reflect on my own difficult behaviors and work to improve them. The key in the book is that you are not your behavior. Anybody at any time can behave like a difficult boss. This book is your mental judo for turning those situations around and creating more effective working relationships with the bosses in your life.

My Book Nuggets
Here’s my nuggets from the book so far …

The Difficult Boss Types:

• Coping with Bulldozing Expert Know-It-Alls
• Coping with Power-Clutchers, Paranoids and Perfectionists
• Coping with Super-Delegators
• Coping with Wafflers
• Coping with Stallers
• Coping with Fire Eaters
• Coping with Ogres

Understanding difficult bosses:

• Five Thinking Styles
• Understanding From the Inside
• When Good Bosses Turn Bad

Key strategies:

• How To Repair a Broken Work Relationship
• Seven Planning Questions for Coping with a Difficult Boss

Your Goal
Get commitments you can count on. Brinkman and Kirschner write:

“Your goal with this problem person is to get commitments you can count on, by making it safe for that person to be honest, teaching him or her task-management strategies, and strengthening the relationship. … The challenge is to get them to do what they say they will do.”

Action Plan
Brinkman and Kirschner provide prescriptive guidance for dealing with Yes people:

• Make it safe to be honest. Make the communication environment a safe one so that the two of you can honestly examine whether promises being made in the future will be promises kept. This could be a one-time long conversation, or it may require several meetings over an extended period of time.
• Talk honestly. If you think the Yes Person is angry or resentful about something, or believes in the excuses, whether justified in your opinion or not, encourage the person to talk it out with you. Hear him out, without contradicting, jumping to conclusions, or taking offense.
• Help the person learn to plan. Once you’ve listened to your Yes Person’s point of view, it will be obvious to you “why” you can’t take “yes” as an answer. This is the time to create a learning opportunity. By using the past experience as a template, you can go back together and approach the task as if it’s in the future. What motivation was missing? What could have been done differently? How else could the situation have been handled? Help the Yes Person focus in on the specific action and steps and process involved in accomplishing the task.
• Ensure commitments. At the end of the discussion, thank your Yes Person for talking the problems out with you, and ask, “What will you do differently the next time you’ve made a promis to me and you are unable to carry it out?” Once you’ve received your answer, you must follow through and ensure commitment. See Five Ways to Ensure Commitment and Follow-Through.
• Strengthen the relationship. Look at every interaction as a chance to strenghten the relationship. Acknowledge the times when your Yes People are honest with you about doubts and concerns, make an event ouf of every completed commitment, and be very careful how you deal with broken promises. Five Ways to Strengthen a Relationship.

Key Take Aways
Here’s my key take aways:

• Be careful of your own wishful thinking. Remember that a “Yes” doesn’t mean it will get done. Follow up and avoid surprises. Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.
• Remember that they mean well. They don’t say Yes to screw you. It’s an aim to please and because they have some poor task-management practices.
• Use it to improve your task-management skills. It’s one thing to get your direct tasks done. It’s another to manage the completion of tasks you delegate or have a dependency on.
• Think of yourself as a mentor. Not everybody is successful at managing priorities or managing what’s on their plate or setting expectations. Share what you’ve learned that works.

My Related Posts

• The Lens of Human Understanding
• Five Ways to Ensure Commitment and Follow-Through
• Five Ways to Strengthen a Relationship
• Make It Safe
• Start With Heart
• Situational Leadership II

When Someone Does Something They Promised
How do you turn a promise kept or a task completed into a memorable experience Brinkman and Kirschner write the following:

• Tell them what they did right, as specifically as possible. Don’t tell them what your opinion of it is, just the facts. “Teri, you promised to pull together the proposal for the presentation, and you did exactly what you promised.”
• Tell them how others were affected to the best of your
  ability. “As a result, the client decided to do business with us. The ‘old man’ is as happy as can be and we made Ms. Rooklyn look real good. “
• Tell them how you feel about it … pleased, impressed, grateful. “I am grateful that you took care of this. I’m also impressed with the design of hte whole proposal! The graphics were great. You made a whole lot of information easy to absorb. The presentation couldn’t have worked out as well as it did without your involvement. Thank you for your caring.”
• Project positive intent. Tell them, “That’s one of the things I like about you.” You’re wanting to build their mental association with keeping their word. “You know I really like that about you. When you do something, you do it right. That was really terrific!”
• Let them know you are looking forward to more of the same in the
  future. “It’s been a real pleasure getting to work with you on this, and I’m looking forward to more opportunities in the future to team up with you.”

When Someone Doesn’t Do Something They Promised
How do you turn a broken promise or uncompleted task into a learning opportunity? Brinkman and Kirschner write the following:

• Tell them what they did, describing what happened as specifically as possible. Don’t give them your opinion, but do give them the facts. Make sure you do this with caring and sincerity.
• Tell them how other people were affected, to the best of your
  ability. “As a result we looked bad in front of an important client. Ms. Rooklyn and the ‘old man’ were disappointed. They lost confidence in us.
• Tell them how they feel about it … disappointed, angry, frustrated, and so on. Don’t exaggerate, but do be honest. “Quite honestly, I’m disappointed and very frustrated over this.
• Project positive intent. Tell them, “That’s not like you.” Even if it is like them. Rather than denying positive projects, people consistently attempt to fullfill them. “That’s not like you to let all those people down. I know you care about doing great work and being part of the team, and I know you’re capable of doing what you say. I also know that you don’t have to make promises you can’t keep.”
• Ask what they learned from the experience, or what they would do differently if given the chance to do it again. This is called a learning moment, and it changes negative memories into useful experiences. “So, tell me, what would you do differently if you could do it again?” Using this method, you can turn a failure into a success for both of you.

Key Take Aways
Here’s my key take aways:

• Be specific. Details and precision help over precision. Rather than vague connections to positive or negative behavior, specifics help clarify any ambiguity. Fleshing out details also helps make it real and more memorable.
• Point out the impact. Often times negative behavior isn’t intentional. It can be behavior blindness. Pointing out the impact helps the person gain perspective and reflect. Pointing out the impact of positive impact, helps reenforce the good behavior you’re looking for.
• Use questions to help reflection. Unsolicited advice falls on deaf ears. Invovle the person in the process. Asking solution focused questions helps them internalize.

My Related Posts

• Start With Heart
• Make It Safe
• Mutual Purpose
• Learn to Look
• Six Styles Under Stress
• When Good Bosses Turn Bad

Seven Planning Questions
Bramson provides the following seven questions for preparing a coping conversation with your Difficult Boss:

• Planning Question 1: What Does Your Boss Do That Bothers You?
• Planning Question 2: How Have You Both Reacted?
• Planning Question 3: What Kind of Difficult Boss Problem Is It?
• Planning Question 4: What Are Your Specific Goals?
• Planning Question 5: What Is Your Action Plan?
• Planning Question 6: What Other Players Need to Be Involved?
• Planning Question 7: How Will You Monitor Your Plan?

Planning Question 1: What Does Your Boss Do That Bothers You?
Bramson writes:

“What behavior has led you to characterize your boss as difficult? Be specific and descriptive as possible. Pick some of the worst instances and describe just what your boss has done and said that you find objectionable.”

Think through what and how you plan to say to avoid triggering more explosions. Consider a writing a script to avoid hints of accusing, nagging or complaing. For example, “When this happens, I react in this way, and it has these effects.”

Planning Question 2: How Have You Both Reacted?
Bramson writes:

“How have you both reacted to your boss’s difficult behavior? How did you feel? Whad di you say or do? How did your boss react to what you said and did? As much as you can, try for detail. Did you stand up? Did your boss point a finger? Did you look down? Specifics of that sort identify ways in which you may have unwittingly reinforced your boss’s difficult behavior.”

Planning Question 3: What Kind of Difficult Boss Problem Is It?
Bramson writes:

“Think broadly about your predicament, and probe for underlying causes that might not be apparent when your sole focus is on what hurts. Are there confusions about expectations and levels of authority, do you have a behavior blindness problem, have interactions gone sour? Do you simply have a boss who fits one or more of the specific difficult behavior types? (Keep in mind that about 35 percent of the Difficult Bosses you might be unlucky enough to encounter bring at least two of those behavior patterns into play, although seldom both at the same time.)

It is possible, if unlikely, that all of the underlying causes will apply to your boss. Don’t give up. Instead, rank each one of them from most applicable to least applicable and plan to work from the top of your list.”

See the following relevant posts:

• Behavior Blindness
• Interactional Accidents
• Expert Know-It-Alls
• Power-Clutchers, Paranoids and Perfectionists
• Stallers, Wafflers, and Super-Delegators
• Ogres and Fire-Eaters

Planning Question 4: What Are Your Specific Goals?
Bramson writes:

“The main question here is, what do I want my boss to do more of, less of, or do differently? Resist the temptation to wish your boss into a paragon of virtues. Reflect on what really hurts the most, or interferes most with your own best performance. Do you value your boss’s honest feedback, but wish that it would be delivered in a way that was less sarcastic, or in other ways demeaning? If you could count on your boss to actively support your next promotional opportunity, would that take the greatest edge from your having a boss who’s otherwise not very strong?

You may find it helpful to start with a wish list of adjectives – stronger, less hostile, less indecisive. However, your final statement of your goals should also include the clues, subtle or obvious, that will tell you when those goals have been reached.”

Planning Question 5: What Is Your Action Plan?
Bramson writes”

“To the point you’ve assessed, as best you could, the nature and causes of your boss’s difficult behavior. Your next step is to decide which actions offer the most chance for improvement … Note what you will say to your boss, how you will try to say it, the most suitable timing and settings, and how you expect (not hope) your boss will initially react.”

Planning Question 6: What Other Players Need to Be Involved?
Bramson writes:

“At times, your coping plan may need to include fellow workers, human-resources people, or your boss’s boss.”

Additional Considerations:

• Be realistic about your goals. Start off your sentence with “What I would like” and focus on specific changes that would clearly enable you to be more personally effective on the job.
• Ask the senior manager to setup a three-way conference – you, your boss, and your boss’s boss – focused on how you and your boss can work together more effectively.
• Indicate you will not let the matter drop. Offer to let your boss’s boss know that you will let them know how things are going in a month.
• Stay focused on problem solving language. For example, “Can we leave this all in the past? Tell me specifically what you expect from me and what stands you’ll use to judge me against. I’ll do my best to meet them. In return, I’ll expect …” or “It’s what will happen from now on that I’m interested in …”

Planning Question 7: How Will You Monitor Your Plan?
You’ll need to answer questions like these:

• Am I actually doing what my plan called for?
• Did I, perhaps, peg my boss as the wrong difficult type, confusing a constantly bullying Ogre with a Fire-Eating monster who only attacks when I overrun a deadline?
• Can I see any results? What seems to be working well? What is not?
• How should I modify my approach, given my boss’s reactions to my first efforts?
• How am I doing personally? Am I feeling more or less powerless to deal with this situation?
• Would my obtaining counseling or training – on how to communicate more assertively, say – be helpful?

Bramson also suggests reviewing your your plan with a friendly counselor.

Key Take Aways
Here’s my key take aways:

• Build a roadmap. Having a sketch of a plan is better than shooting from the hip where emotions and sensitive areas are concerned.
• Get specific. Generalizations don’t help. To turn insights into action, use concrete examples, stories to exemplify, and get specific on what good will look like or what your “tests for success” are.
• Do a dry run. Doing a dry run of your conversation should expose some things you might have overlooked and help you anticipate a variety of your boss’s potential responses.
• Test your assumptions. When you’re analyzing it’s important to be able to separate your conclusions from the underlying facts and assumptions. To get the fact on the table, ask yourself, what did you see, or what did you hear, so you can get a firm foundation. Simply doing this might give you new perspective on the problem.
• Involve others. Use others as a sounding board and for reality checks as well as additional perspective and insights.
• Focus on problem solving. Problem solving is about getting clarity on the problem and focusing on how to move forward while throwing solutions at the problem until something sticks and proves effective.
• Stay focused on your personal effectiveness. At the end of the day, if something’s holding you back from your best you or your best work, own it and focus on reducing friction, barriers, and hurdles to your success.

My Related Posts

• Five Thinking Styles
• Coping with Bulldozing Expert Know-It-Alls
• Coping with Coping with Power-Clutchers, Paranoids and Perfectionists
• Coping with Super-Delegators
• Coping with Wafflers
• Coping with Stallers
• Coping with Fire Eaters
• Coping with Ogres
• Understanding From the Inside
• When Good Bosses Turn Bad
• How To Repair a Broken Work Relationship