“In the practice of tolerance, one’s enemy is the best teacher.” — Dalai Lama

One of the best things I learned from Jack Canfield is to make an “irritation list.”   To make an irritation list, you simply write down the things that are bothering you and then you work the list.

Sometimes the best way to improve each day is reduce the things that frustrate you (while raising your frustration tolerance or letting things go)

Using an irritation list is a powerful approach.  Here’s why …  First, it’s a way to clear your head and surface what’s bugging you.  Second, it’s a simple way to think on paper.  When you put your list down on paper, it can help you keep perspective, or gain new perspective.  When it’s swimming around in your head, it’s easy to blow things out of proportion or to lose proper perspective.  Lastly, it makes all the things that irritate you, actionable.  Rather than swimming in your head, you have a simple list of things to act on.  You can act on them, or decide to let them go.

There’s more though.  You start to see patterns and learn what frustrates you or irritates you.  Better yet, you can raise your frustration tolerance, and decide that some things just aren’t going to bug you anymore.  You can also decide to let things go.  And I mean, really let them go.  Not just shove them under a rug, or bury them deep down inside,  to rise another day.

I keep an irritation list for work and an irritation list for home, and while I work towards the best things in life, I hack away at the irritations that crop up along the way.

Photo by eflon.

When you’re under pressure and your mouth goes dry and your stomach knots, how do you feel? 

What if you could feel great?  You can turn this around in an instant.  The key is to distinguish between stress and anxiety.  Stress is your body’s response.  Anxiety is your cognitive response.  Anxiety is the enemy, not stress.  When you were younger, you linked your poor performance and anxiety to stress.  You didn’t know you weren’t skilled.  All you knew was that when you felt stressed, you didn’t perform well.  With that in mind, you can turn your high-stress scenarios into your best performances.  You can defeat anxiety and use stress to unleash your best.

I found the key is to distinguish between thinking, feeling and doing.  It also helps to know that your thoughts create your feelings.  It also helps to know that how you interpret your feelings, influences your thoughts.

I have a lot of high-stress, high-stakes scenarios, from running large projects on time and on budget, to pleasing stakeholders, to dealing with conflict on a regular basis.  

There was a point where I got too good at dealing with stress.  I didn’t have the distinction between stress and anxiety.  Instead, I assumed that fight-or-flight feeling was bad and I used techniques to make it go away.  I lost my edge.  Stress was my friend in disguise and I didn’t recognize it. 

Now I turn stress into results.  Instead, the enemy is anxiety.  Anxiety can wear you down.  Letting your own mind work against you is a bad thing.  The good news, it really was as simple as knowing the difference between stress and anxiety.  When I feel the stress now, I simply ask, “How can I use it?”  I turn it into action.  I use it as a boost of energy and motivation to make things happen.

In Overachievement: The New Science of Working Less to Accomplish More, John Eliot, Ph. D. writes about using stress to improve your performance.

Key Take Aways
Here are my key take aways:

• It’s your perception that matters.  It’s the meaning you make.  It’s not what happens to you, it’s what you make of it.
• Distinguish stress from anxiety.   Stress is not the same as anxiety.
• Stress is your body, anxiety is your mind.  Stress is your body’s response.  Anxiety is your mind’s response.
• Turn stress into an ally.  Perceive stress as a good thing.   Use “nerves” to perform better.
• Choose the job or make the time.  Choose something to spend more time doing every day or carve out time for what you want to practice.

Stress is Not the Same as Anxiety
According to Eliot, stress is your body’s response and anxiety is your cognitive response:

• The physical symptoms of fight-or-flight are what the human body has learned over thousands of years to operate more efficiently and at the highest level.
• Anxiety is a cognitive interpretation of that physical response.

You Weren’t Skilled
It wasn’t your stress.  You just weren’t skilled yet.  Eliot writes:

“You essentially instructed yourself that the root of the problem was your body’s effort to help you perform to your utmost.  Trouble was, you didn’t really have an “utmost.”  You were only eight years old!  Your teacher probably didn’t teach you how to prepare your speech; you hadn’t practiced enough with your instrument.”

Why We Link Stress to Anxiety and Fear of Failure
When we were kids, we didn’t know any better.  It goes back to childhood.  Whenever you got stressed, you didn’t perform well.  You then associated the feeling to poor performance.  Your anticipation of poor performance created anxiety.  The cycle continued.  Eliot writes about how your younger years are the basis for your anxiety:

“All the great athletes, musicians, actors, doctors, and business executives I’ve talked to seem to think the same way.  So why does everyone else identify the body’s sympathetic response to high-stakes situations with fear of failure?  The confusion tends to stem from childhood, almost as an accident.  Here’s what happens: It is the first time you have to deliver in public.  You are eight years old, playing in your first Little League game, giving your first recital, appearing in your first play, or delivering that debut book report from memory before the class.  Your body goes nuts, registering all the classic fight-or-flight symptoms.  On some level (and it’s usually not a higher cerebral level because, hey, you’re eight and you don’t’ process things that way yet) you are wondering, “What is happening to me?”  Then you proceed to perform poorly.  You strike out three times and let the ball roll right between your legs, you blow your lines, you forget the next note, you blank on what the book was about.  The next time you are called upon to perform in public, your body still reacts to the pressure, but you think, “The last time I felt this way, I was so awful that the other kids laughed at me.”  Before you know it, you have attributed poor performance to the body’s natural response under pressure.”

Relaxation is Not the Answer
The most common assumption is that if you feel stressed, you need to learn how relax.  The counterintuitive point is that it’s the anxiety that’s throwing you off your game.

“Relaxation teaches your muscles to lose tone, your brain to be passive.  You cannot win gold medals without muscle tone, nor can you perform at your utmost with other parts of your sympathetic system switched to “slow.”  Most people experience fight-or-flight symptoms and bam! – their performance is overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety.  But arousal and anxiety are not the same thing.  You simply have been conditioned or taught to treat them as equals.  They’re not.”

Unlink Arousal from Anxiety
Sometimes it’s as simple as just knowing that how you think about your stress, is what causes anxiety.  You can instantly unlink them, simply by knowing this.

“The remedy I prescribe for self-intimidation is to unlink arousal from anxiety.  When your body is in a charged state, you must first recognize that anxiety is the result of a psychological misinterpretation of that arousal and then practice choosing the correct interpretation.  Sometimes just explaining the distinction does the trick.”

Use Stress to Help You Perform Better
Learn to love the pressure.  It can help you perform your best.  Eliot writes:

“If you know what you’re doing, if you’re good at your job, the “nerves” actually can make you perform better.  You have educated yourself or worked for countless hours perfecting the skills that make for good performance in your field.  You now have to start training yourself to accept that arousal is a good thing.  How?  You learn to love pressure by performing under pressure.  You must put yourself into pressure situations in which you get nervous and then practice assessing what the pressure can do for you, as an asset, a welcome friend.   Pressure often signals an opportunity to excel.  You must practice understanding that by making a conscious association between the “nerves” and the potential to perform, as the Olympic Creed says, “Higher, faster, stronger.””

Additional Resources
I found these pages helpful for more information on stress and anxiety:

• Anxiety (Wikipedia)
• Stress (Wikipedia)

My Related Posts

• Melt Away Stress
• Your Thoughts Create Your Feelings
• Yerkes-Dodson Human Performance Curve
• Test Your Cant’s

Photo by ^@^ina.

The Relaxation Response
Whitaker and Colman write about how they use the Relaxation Response as part of their wellness program:

People often believe mistakenly that in order to truly relax, they need to take a drink or take a pill.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Your body can do the job on its own if you let it.  At the Whitaker Wellness Institute we teach a technique called the relaxation response.  Developed by Dr. Herbert Benson of the Mind/Body Medical Institute at the New England Deaconess Hospital and the Harvard Medical Institute, the relaxation response can soothe the spirit and help the body wind down after a hectic day.

Rejuvenate Your Body, Freshen Your Mind
Whitaker and Colman write that the relaxation response rejuvenates your body and freshens your mind:

The relaxation response involves a wide range of physiological changes.  Oxygen consumption is decreased, the heart rate slows down, muscles relax, and blood pressure can drop.  The best news of all, however, is that the relaxation response is a state of deep relaxation you can elicit yourself in order to rejuvenate your body and freshen your mind. 

Decrease Stress-Related Symptoms, Including Insomnia
According to Whitaker and Colman, you can reduce stress-related symptoms and improve your self-assurance:

Continual practice of the relaxation response will bring feelings of increased control over the details of your life and the sense that even your body’s physiological reactions can be brought under control.  Many people who practice the relaxation response experience a greater sense of self-assurance and a decrease in stress-related symptoms, including insomnia.

How To Use the Relaxation Response
According to Whitaker and Colman, here’s how you can practice the Relaxation Response:

• Step 1. Allocate 15 minutes in your schedule to relax
• Step 2. Sit in a comfortable position
• Step 3. Choose a focus word
• Step 4. Repeat the word as you exhale
• Step 5. Relax your muscles
• Step 6. Keep breathing evenly and repeat your word

Step 1. Allocate 15 minutes in your schedule to relax
Whitaker and Colman write:

Identify fifteen minutes in your schedule, preferrably early in the evening, before dinner, for a regular session.  Arrange a time when there will be no distractions.  Keep a watch or clock within sight so you can check it periodically.  You want to commit the full time to this endeavor.

Step 2. Sit in a comfortable position
Sit in a comfortable position and close your eyes.

Step 3. Choose a focus word
Whitaker and Colman write:

Choose a focus word or short phrase that has some resonance for you.  It could be a word such as “peace” or the beginning of a prayer or saying.

Step 4. Repeat the word as you exhale
Breath slowly and repeat the word silently as you exhale.

Step 5. Relax your muscles
Whiteaker and Colman write:

Relax your muscles, starting from your head and neck and moving down toward your toes.  Consciously sense each body part as you go.

Step 6. Keep breathing evenly and repeat your word
Whitaker and Colman write:

Keep breathing evenly and repeating your word.  If and when other thoughts intrude, do not rush from them but instead gently accept that they exist.  Move past them with a kind of “yes-but-later” attitude.

Key Take Aways
Here’s my key take aways:

• The Relaxation Response is proven 15 minute technique for melting away stress.
• The Relaxation Response reduces oxygen consumption, slows your heart rate down, relaxes your muscles and lowers your blood pressure.
• Continual practice of the Relaxation Response improves your self-assurance and descreases stress-related symptoms, including insomnia.

What’s interesting for me is that I’ve heard about various relaxation techniques, and they all seem to have the same things in common:  focus on breathing and relax your muscles from head to toe.  One technique that I liked the most focuses on a blue sheet rippling over the ocean at night, rather than focusing on a word or phrase.  It seems like all roads lead to the same destination.

My Related Posts

• Take a Worry Break
• Six Styles Under Stress
• How To: Use the Triple Column Technique

Key Take Aways
Here’s my key take aways:

• Consolidate your problems.  Consolidate your problems rather than let them interfere throughout your day.   Set a time limit and worry as intensely as you want within that time limit.
• If you’re going to worry, worry right.  Do it with rigor, get intense, and get results.
• Free yourself up for the rest of the day.  Forget about your problems for the rest of the day.

I really like the idea of a worry break.  I think it’s similar to trying not to edit while you write, or trying not to critique while you brainstorm.  Problems can suck you down whether you’re just trying to have fun or trying to focus on the task at hand.  How great is that, to know you have a time and place for your troubles?

How To Take a Worry Break
Whitaker and Colman write about how to take a worry break:

Find 30 minutes during the late afternoon to take a “worry break.”  Sit down quietly.  Worry.  Do it intensely.  Think about what is bothering you and how you can make the situation better.  Some people find that actually writing down the problem and listing possible solutions can be beneficial.  If there is something you can do to resolve a problem, do it or at least formulate a plan of action.  Then put worrying aside until the next day.  If you being to worry when you get into bed, say to yourself, “No.  I’ve taken care of that already.”  It sounds simple, but it can work if you let it.

My Related Posts

• Six Styles Under Stress
• How To Avoid Task Saturation
• Avoiding Vicious Cycles

“Adopting the right attitude can convert a negative stress into a positive one.” — Hans Selye

As you begin to feel unsafe in a conversation, you start down one of two unhealthy paths. You either move to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or to violence (trying to force meaning in the pool). If you know a few of the common forms of silence and violence, you can see safety problems when they first start to happen.

In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler write about six styles we use when we’re under stress, so that you recognize the patterns, step out, restore safety and then return to dialogue – before the damage is too great.

Keys Take Aways
Here are my key take aways:

• Know the patterns. Knowing the patterns is half the battle. Knowing your styles under stress is a key to improving. Once you recognize your own reactions, you can shape your behavior to be more effective.
• Identify silence versus violence patterns. I think extraverts or more assertive or aggressive individuals will lean towards violence patterns, while introverts, or passive individuals will move to silence patterns. While there’s exceptions, this is the pattern I’ve noticed.
• Use the patterns as a vocabulary. I think the power of patterns is efficient communication. Whether you’re using them for yourself or for others, having a name for a pattern helps build and share knowledge.

It’s Almost Unfair
Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler write:
"It’s almost unfair. The bigger the deal, the less likely you are to bring up your newly acquired skill-set into the conversation. Like it or not, if your adrenaline is flowing, you’re almost guaranteed to jump to your Style Under Stress."

I think it’s ironic that the more it counts, the less likely you are to perform well, by default.  This is where practice and a plan are key to success.

Six Styles Under Stress
Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler identify six Styles Under Stress:

1. Masking – Consists of understating or selectively showing our true opinions. Sarcasm, sugarcoating, and couching are some of the more popular forms.
2. Avoiding – Involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but without addressing the real issues.
3. Withdrawing – Means pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or exit the room.
4. Controlling – Consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. It’s done through either forcing your views on others or dominating the conversation. Methods include cutting others off, overstating facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation.
5. Labeling – Is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category.
6. Attacking – You’ve moved from winning the argument to making the person suffer. Tactics include belittling and threatening.

Silence and Violence Patterns
Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler write about Silence and Violence patterns in terms of communication styles:

• Silence Patterns - According to Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler , silence patterns consist of any act to purposefully withhold information from the pool of meaning. It’s almost always done as a means of avoiding potential problems, and it always restricts the flow of meaning. Methods range from playing verbal games to avoiding a person entirely. The three most common forms of silence are masking, avoiding, and withdrawing.
• Violence Patterns - According to Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler, violence patterns consist of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force meaning into the pool. Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to making threats. The three most common forms are controlling, labeling, and attacking.

Figure Out Which Patterns You Use Under Stress
Here are some questions to check which styles you use under stress.

My Related Posts

• Make It Safe
• Mutual Purpose
• Start With Heart
• Work on Me First
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