Tony Robbins on How To Master Relationships

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image“What love we’ve given, we’ll have forever. What love we fail to give, will be lost for all eternity.”
— Leo Buscaglia

Some of the best relationship advice I learned long ago is that “opposites attract, but similarities bind.”

I also learned that “true love is falling in love with the same person over and over.”

But it’s time to dive deeper.  Much deeper. This article is a deep dive on how to find love, create your ultimate relationship, and improve your relationship skills.

Create a Magnificent Relationship that Feels Like a Dream

Tony Robbins shares his profound knowledge on love and relationships through a variety of videos, programs, and formats.

It’s based on what he’s learned from around the world over many years of experience with thousands of people from all walks of life.

It’s part of his life’s work – to improve the quality of life for as many people as he can, as long as he can.

Tony Robbins has figured out the keys to creating lasting and fulfilling relationships.

It’s not about creating an ordinary relationship.  It’s about creating an extraordinary relationship.

In fact, it’s about creating a truly magnificent relationship — “the kind that is so full of joy, passion, and ecstasy that it feels like a dream.”

The Big Picture of How To Create Your Ultimate Relationship and Ultimate Lover

This article will cover a lot so it’s important to put the big picture together first.

Tony Robbins found the following truths to creating better relationships:

  1. Master Selection and Connection.  You need to master Selection and Connection as the two primary skills for creating your ultimate relationship.
  2. Select your partner consciously.  Your lover is your most important decision in life.  Make it a conscious choice.  Who you choose as a lover will have a huge influence over your ultimate happiness.  Select somebody who matches your vision, who you can share things in common with and love the differences with passion, who you can create a raving fan lover, and who does not conflict with your core values, or other deal breakers.
  3. Start with vision.  The first step is to create a vision for what you really want in your relationship.  What is it that you really want in life that would light you up and excite you?  What’s your vision for what this relationship would create in the world that would inspire you to be in this relationship?  Make it so compelling to you, so exciting and so clear that you get so much emotion you’ll find a way to make it happen.
  4. Focus on where you want to be, not where you are.   Tony Robbins can’t stress this enough, but he says you must focus on what you want, not where you are.  Don’t limit yourself.  Create your impossible dream, make it so emotionally exciting that you can’t help but make it happen, and then you will figure out a way to make your dream come true.  Tony is a master at turning dreams into reality.
  5. Create a list of what you want, what you must not have, and who you must become to attract that relationship.  Create extreme clarity.  Be as specific as possible. You need a vision of what you want in detail in terms of your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual desires.  You also need to know what you MUST NOT have in your relationships so that you don’t destroy them.  Lastly, you need to know the kind of person who you need to become so that you can attract your ultimate relationship.
  6. Don’t destroy your relationships.  You need to know what you MUST NOT have in your relationship.  For example, you MUST NOT have conflicts in your core values with your partners.  So many relationships end because the couple didn’t know what they MUST NOT have in their relationship.
  7. Select a partner that gives you both certainty and uncertainty.  Certainty comes from having a common vision, common values, shared interests, etc.  Uncertainty comes from differences.  This uncertainty creates passion.  You need certainty and passion to keep the relationship growing and exciting.
  8. Connect with your lover through their Six Human Needs.  You create deep connection with your partner by meeting their Six Human Needs.  The more of their needs you meet, the deeper the love and fulfillment you can create.
  9. Create a Raving Fan Lover.  Your goal in your relationship is to create a Raving Fan Lover.  You create a Raving Fan Lover by worshipping your lover.  Through deep admiration, you create an unbreakable bond of trust and enthusiasm.  This deep admiration and appreciation comes from deep self-awareness of your needs, wants, and desires, along with what you will not tolerate.  It also comes from a deep awareness of your lover’s needs, wants, desires, and what they will not tolerate.
  10. Practice the 5 Disciplines of Love.  Practice the 5 Disciplines of Love to cultivate passion and create an ongoing adventure.  By investing in the 5 Disciplines of Love, you can “create a sexy and exciting partnership that lights up every aspect of your life to create a relationship full of earthshaking excitement, joy, and passion.”

If you are ready to create a magnificent, fulfilling relationship, then get ready to learn what it takes to show and grow your love by leaps and bounds.

95% of Your Happiness Will Come from Who You Choose as Your Partner

Who you choose as a partner can have a profound impact on your happiness in this lifetime.

Tony Robbins says:

“The first and most important selection you’re going to make in your life …

I’ll tell you this first …

Ninety-five percent of the happiness you’re going to have in life is going to come from who you select as your partner.

So we’re going to get absolutely clear about what is it that you really want because it’s impossible to get there otherwise.”

Selection and Connection  (the Primary Skills for Love)

According to Tony Robbins, to master love and to master relationships, you need to master the skills of Selection and Connection.

Selection is your ability to choose the right partner.

Connection is your ability to deeply connect with that person on all levels – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Your ability to select the right partner and to deeply connect with them will directly affect your ability to create a lasting and fulfilling relationship with deep love.

Start with Your Vision

Where do you start?

You need to start with your vision.

Your vision of your ideal relationship.

And you have to make it exciting and compelling.

So exciting and compelling that your vision of your ideal relationship inspires you and motivates you to take action and to make it happen.

Tony Robbins says:

“I’m single and I don’t have a relationship.”

You’ve got to know how to start.

The first step is to decide what’s your vision for what you really want.

What’s your vision for what you really want?

You can’t make something happen until you get clear.

What was the first step of taking something impossible and making it real?

Focus!

You need a vision.

Without a vision, people what?

Perish!

You need a vision for your relationship.

A vision for what is it I really want most in life, what would excite me, what would light me up?

And I don’t just mean a vision of what that person’s supposed to look like and be like, or what values they have–that could be part of the vision, but also what is your vision for what this relationship would create in the world that would inspire you to be in this relationship.

Because without a vision of what the relationship’s going to be, you’re going to settle for whatever shows up.
All you’ve got to do is get a vision that is so compelling to you, so exciting and so clear that you get so much emotion you’ll figure a way to make it happen.”

How To Create a Vision for Your Relationship

Tony Robbins shares an example of how he created a blueprint for his ideal relationship.

He effectively made a list and wrote down everything he wanted in his partner.

He found the key though is to also make second list where he wrote down everything that he MUST NOT have in his relationship—the things he will not accept in his relationship.

He would rather be alone than be in a relationship that has things from this list.

He also made a third list.  The third list was a list of who he needs to be to attract the kind of relationship that he wants.

Tony Robbins says:

“I’ll tell you what helped me:

If you’re brand new and you’re single, the best way to do this is you sit down and you write down every single thing on Earth you could ever want in the ultimate partner in life.

Your ultimate mate. Your ultimate lover.

Mental, emotional, physical, spiritual.

The way you guys would pitch and catch.

What you would do together, how you’d share.

But every detail on a level of specificity that normally you would think is insane.

And then you’ve got to make a second list, I’ve learned.

And I did this years ago.

I made this list and I read it–it was pretty cool and then I got a relationship.  And that in that relationship, I kind of let it grow because of what most people get in a relationship with.

I didn’t select consciously.”

What Make a Relationship Work

What makes a relationship work is things in common.

Similar values.

Similar dreams or goals or loves or desires.

Tony Robbins says:

“What makes a relationship work is having things in common because what that gives you is the emotion of certainty that allows you to open up and connect.

People like people who are like whom?

Themselves!

So, you like this person and you have certainty about this person.

You have connection with this person because you have similar–you have a connection through interests or values, and you have certainty because, “hey, they’re like me.”

So what makes a relationship work is things in common.”

What Makes a Relationship Passionate

What makes a relationship passionate is uncertainty.

Not knowing and differences!

According to Tony Robbins, one of the secrets to creating a passionate relationship is a healthy combination of mystery and differences.

The differences create attraction, excitement, and intrigue.

The Key to Your Ultimate Relationship is Certainty + Uncertainty

The key to creating your ultimate relationship is to choose a partner that gives you both certainty and uncertainty.

Most people choose one or the other, but the key is to look for both.

Tony Robbins says:

“This is the critical understanding:

Can you have both in the relationship simultaneously?

Yes or no?

Yes, but most people pursue one aspect of their needs, like in the beginning they want the variety and the uncertainty and excitement that comes with that.

And this person is so different than me and so it excites me because I’m quiet and they’re loud and intense and playful.

And then they get around them, they go “Oooh, I want this forever,” and they try to get a hold of this person and very often try to control them.
And then what they want to do is get this place of connection but also control, certainty.

And they try to make their spouse, their boyfriend, their girlfriend, their husband, their wife, like them.

All their being loud was exciting; now it’s loud.

What they were doing in the very beginning.

But now you’re irritated by it.

And if you reinforce somebody or you punish them for being a certain way and try and make them like you, you will have a great friend and no passion.

And they will never go back to the way they were because  they don’t want to lose love or they’ve been rejected so much they don’t want to be in that place.

They start to protect themselves.”

Love Your Differences

You can use your differences as a platform for passion.

The differences can stretch and grow you in ways you don’t expect.

They can also help keep things from going stale, as can happen with certainty.

Uncertainty and differences will help you mix things up and add variety as a spice to your love life.

Tony Robbins says:

“There’s a way to have both.

It’s learning how to honor those differences and enjoy those differences.

Now, some of those you already honor and enjoy, but if you’re gonna honor and enjoy in some areas, some areas are inconvenient.

You don’t like them.

But you’ve got to learn to love what you didn’t like.”

What Destroys a Relationship

Differences between people in a relationship is good.

The right differences.

But there are the wrong kinds of differences, too.

Such as a conflict of core values.

One of your most important lists will be the list of what your relationship MUST NOT have.

This list will save you from starting relationships that just won’t last, because you know what you MUST NOT have in your relationship.

Tony Robbins says:

“Are there some things that are so different than you that they would destroy a relationship?

Yes, like you have certain values that are the core of who you are and if somebody has the opposite, it’d be pretty hard for you to really sustain a quality relationship.

So, the place to start: you make your list of everything you want.

Then you make a list of everything you want.

Then you make a list of everything , and the second list is–really critical:

everything that you must not have in a relationship.

Not should not: there’s lots of things you’d prefer not to have, but MUST NOT have.

By the way, you can get everything you want in a relationship and get two or three things you must never have and you will destroy it.”

Your Goal in a Relationship is to Create a Raving Fan

The single best thing you can do in your relationship is create a Raving Fan.

Tony Robbins says:

“And you’ve got to find a way to constantly improve the amount of joy, passion, and nourishment that’s happening within you and for the person you’re in a relationship with.

If you want to have not just a lover, a husband, a wife, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, whatever your language is, if you want more than that, you want a Raving Fan.

A Raving Fan is somebody, if you were going to use a business metaphor, since there are so many business owners in the room…satisfied customers leave.

I’ll say it again:

Satisfied customers leave.

If they get a much better deal, a much better opportunity, they’ll leave.

But a Raving Fan customer never leaves.”

How To Create a Raving Fan Lover

How do you create a Raving Fan lover?

You worship them.

It sounds extreme but according to Tony Robbins, that’s the key to creating extraordinary relationships.

Tony Robbins says:

“Your goal in a relationship above all else is you want to make sure that you make this person who’s in your life your Raving Fan. 

And there’s only one way to do that:

Worship them.

Not just love them.

You’ve got to worship them.

If you want to have something that’s extraordinary, because that person who is worshipped is not going to leave in a million years.

What makes them know they’re worshipped is the following:

You’ve got to know what do you really want.

Because everyone is different.

We all want love, we want the same needs, but we’ve got to know what we want.”

The Six Human Needs

To create a magnificent relationship that feels like a dream, you need to master the Six Human Needs.

Tony Robbins says that the key to creating a relationship that is pure magic is by meeting your partner’s Six Human Needs.

The Six Human Needs are:

  1. Need 1: Certainty/Comfort
  2. Need 2: Uncertainty/Variety
  3. Need 3: Significance
  4. Need 4: Love & Connection
  5. Need 5: Growth
  6. Need 6: Contribution

First you meet your partner’s needs.  Then you can educate them to meet your needs.

But it starts with you meeting your partner’s needs.

Why?

Because Tony Robbins says you are loving them – and “love is not a trade.”

Need #1. Certainty/Comfort

Our first need is for certainty.

We need a sense of certainty.

We need certainty so we can feel safe.

We need certainty so that we can feel comfortable.

It helps us create predictability in our life so that we can reduce stress.

It helps us create peace-of-mind.

Tony Robbins says:

“The first human need is the need for Certainty.

It’s our need to feel in control and to know what’s coming next so we can feel secure.

It’s the need for basic comfort, the need to avoid pain and stress, and also to create pleasure.”

Need #2. Uncertainty/Variety

We need uncertainty in our life.

This is how we break out of boring and predictable routines and ruts.

It’s what wakes us up and keeps us on our toes.

It creates passion and excitement.

Tony Robbins says:

“Let me ask you a question:

Do you like surprises?

If you answered ‘yes,’ you’re kidding yourself!

You like the surprises you want.

The ones you don’t want, you call problems!

But you still need them to put some muscle in your life.

You can’t grow muscle—or character—unless you have something to push back against.”

Need #3. Significance

We need to feel like we are one-of-a-kind.

We need to feel special.

We need to feel like we matter.

We need to feel like we stand out from the crowd.

Tony Robbins says:

“We all need to feel important, special, unique, or needed.

So how do some of us get significance?

You can get it by earning billions of dollars, or collecting academic degrees—distinguishing yourself with a master’s or a PhD.

You can build a giant Twitter following.

Or you can go on The Bachelor or become the next Real Housewife of Orange County.

Some do it by putting tattoos and piercings all over themselves and in places we don’t want to know about.”

Need #4. Love & Connection

We need to feel a sense of connection and love.

We need to feel like somebody really gets us.

We need to feel like we matter to somebody other than ourselves.

We need to feel like we fit in, while we are trying to stand out.

Tony Robbins says:

“The fourth basic need is Love and Connection.

Love is the oxygen of life; it’s what we all want and need most.

When we love completely we feel alive, but when we lose love, the pain is so great that most people settle on connection, the crumbs of love.

You can get that sense of connection or love through intimacy, or friendship, or prayer, or walking in nature. If nothing else works, you can get a dog.”

Need #5. Growth

We need to feel like we are growing.

We need to feel like we are getting better or improving in some way, shape, or form.

We need to feel like we are making progress in different areas of our life.

Tony Robbins says:

“If you’re not growing, you’re dying.

If a relationship is not growing, if a business is not growing, if you’re not growing, it doesn’t matter how much money you have in the bank, how many friends you have, how many people love you—you’re not going to experience real fulfillment.

And the reason we grow, I believe, is so we have something of value to give.”

Need #6. Contribution

We need to feel a sense of contribution that comes from giving back.

Giving back is a powerful way to feel a sense of good will.

Contributing to a greater good amplifies our feelings of gratitude and appreciation.

Tony Robbins says:

“Corny as it may sound, the secret to living is giving.

Life’s not about me; it’s about we.

Think about it, what’s the first thing you do when you get good or exciting news?

You call somebody you love and share it. Sharing enhances everything you experience.

Life is really about creating meaning.

And meaning does not come from what you get, it comes from what you give.

Ultimately it’s not what you get that will make you happy long term, but rather who you become and what you contribute will.”

What Happens When You Meet Your Partner’s Six Human Needs?

If you want to keep your relationship or create a better one, you need to meet your partner’s Six Human Needs.

The more needs that you meet, the deeper the love you will create.

Tony Robbins says:

“If you’re in a relationship with somebody and you meet one of their needs, you’re going to have an acquaintance.

If you meet two of their needs, you’re going to have a friend.

If you meet three of their needs, you’re going to have a deep friendship or love.

If you meet four of their needs, it’s going to be a deep love.

If you meet five or six of their needs, you’re going to have a love slave.
… They ain’t going anywhere.

But it’s got to be you meeting their needs, not the other way around.”

How To Be the Wealthiest Person in the World

If you want to be the wealthiest person in the world, you have to appreciate what you already have.

Tony Robbins says:

“The ultimate significance in life comes not from something external, but from something internal.

It comes from a sense of esteem for ourselves, which is not something we can ever get from someone else.

People can tell you you’re beautiful, smart, intelligent, the best, or they can tell you that you are the most horrible human being on earth—but what matters is what you think about yourself.

Whether or not you believe that deep inside you are continuing to grow and push yourself, to do and give more than was comfortable or you even thought possible.

The wealthiest person on earth is one who appreciates.”

The 5 Disciplines of Love

To grow your love, you need to feed your love.

To feed your love, Tony Robbins shares the 5 Disciplines of Love.

The 5 Disciplines of Love are habits and practices that you can invest in that will fuel your love and help you build your ultimate relationship and your limitless love.

The 5 Disciplines of Love:

  1. The Discipline of Unconditional Love & Compassion
  2. The Discipline of Absolute Courage & Vulnerability
  3. The Discipline of Knowing the Truth
  4. The Discipline of Telling Yourself the Truth
  5. The Discipline of Giving Freedom

Let’s elaborate on each one …

Discipline #1. The Discipline of Unconditional Love & Compassion

The first Discipline of Love is unconditional love.

It’s the ability to really get your partner, without judging or criticizing them.

It’s about understanding their inner world and loving them unconditionally.

Tony Robbins says:

“Always put your lover first—it’s not about you! When you fully develop the skill of heartfelt understanding, you become conscious of your partner’s inner life.

Rather than being an observer and critic, you feel what they feel and you will discover the deepest pleasure in your relationship—sexual and otherwise.”

Discipline #2. The Discipline of Absolute Courage & Vulnerability

Don’t lose trust.

Build deep trust by being present and embracing the truth, no matter how tough it gets.

As the saying goes, “the truth shall set you free.”

But in this case, the truth will bring you closer together, while at the same time, creating a deep sense of freedom that no lies could ever create.

Tony Robbins says:

“Love no matter what and commit to absolute truth. Be present for your lover even during the most painful situations.

Don’t just be physically present, be fully present– giving your lover your undivided focus.

Any time you lose trust, interest or commitment, you drift closer to behaviors of criticism and rejection.

Stay connected!

Cultivate your commitment the way you would a precious flower.

Your relationship will flourish no matter what your life circumstances may be.”

Discipline #3. The Discipline of Knowing the Truth

Don’t play the blame game.

Express yourself from the heart.

Mean what you say, say what you mean, but do so in a loving and respectful way.

Speak the truth, your truth, but own it.  Own your feelings.  Own your story. Own your challenges.

Tony Robbins says:

“Here’s the truth: It’s a no-blame game. There’s an art to expressing mild upset without creating bigger problems.

When you let something bother you, your partner will feel blamed.

However, when something goes wrong, you must express yourself spontaneously, and from the heart.

It’s crucial you set the context carefully for anything you share.

Remember to use phrases that avoid blame.”

Discipline #4. The Discipline of Telling Yourself the Truth

Trust yourself first.

Don’t let yourself down.

If you let yourself down, you won’t trust yourself and you won’t trust others.

Don’t be afraid to be you—the real you.

Be authentic.

Be yourself.

Be your true self.

When you live and breathe your truth, other people will naturally trust you.

Tony Robbins says:

“Commit to moment-to-moment awareness of the impact of your state.

If the basis of trust is confidence in your partner, then you must begin with confidence in yourself.

Without it, you cannot induce lasting trust in others. When you can be yourself, others will perceive that and build trust in you.

Hold true to the generosity of your highest intentions.”

Discipline #5. The Discipline of Giving Freedom

Set your partner free by forgiving and forgetting.

Don’t bog them down with past mistakes.

If you want true passion and excitement, learn to forgive and forget in a way that truly helps your partner keep learning and growing.

Tony Robbins says:

“The power of forgiving, forgetting and flooding.

Why drag along the baggage of past mistakes?

Whenever we have painful experiences, we can learn from them or use them to punish ourselves or others.

People often blame their partners for past misdeeds.

If you want passion, set your partner free.

See their mistake from their perspective.

Consciously harness the good in life to bring greater pleasure and intimacy.”

How Tony Robbins Created His Ultimate Relationship

Tony Robbins created his ultimate relationship in a very simple way.

He focused on creating clarity for exactly what he wanted in his relationship.

He created clarity around what he did not want in his relationship.

He created clarity clarity around exactly who he needed to become to attract his ultimate relationship.

He used this clarity to create courage and motivation for himself.

He also used this clarity to create focus so he could spend his energy in the right way to move towards what he wanted, and away from what he did not want.

Here is Tony Robbins with his story of how he created his ultimate relationship:

“But, I’ll tell you the first thing I did and I thought everything in my life that I’ve ever created…I went back and did what I asked you to do.

What did I create that was impossible?

How did I do that?

I mean, think about it: I always started by focusing on what I wanted, not where I was.

Isn’t that true?

Only focus on what you want to create.

So I said, “OK< am I committed as a soul to have in a relationship with a woman?”

What do I want in that relationship?

And then what can I not have?

I made these lists and I wrote it for about nine or ten pages.

Maybe by the time I was done with them, mixed-up the list was maybe at twelve.

I’m talking about details.Ridiculous details.

And then, interestingly, as I read that I knew what I had to do because I can look at that list and I did one more thing.

I wrote what I must have in a relationship:

Mental, emotional, physical, spiritual, everything.

What I must not have in a relationship with a woman.

And then my third one was what kind of man would I have to be to attract that quality of woman.

Instead of saying ‘how come I don’t have this person.’

Because, if you focus on the outside, you’ll always be screwed up because you’ll always blame somebody else.

I went OK, clarity first.

What do I need?

What am I committed to?

What do I want?

Clarity: what must I be for that type of person to be in my life?

How many follow these steps?”

Tony Robbins’ Ultimate Relationship Program

Tony and Sage Robbins created a love coaching program:

Tony Robbin’s Ultimate Relationship Program

The goal of the program is to help you attract your ideal life partner, strengthen your relationships, and reignite the passion you and your partner once shared:

The program includes tools, insights, and principles to you create your ultimate relationship, by taking action, transforming your beliefs, eliminating your fears, and mastering fundamental relationship skills.

The product includes:

  • 4 Audio CDs
  • 6 instructional DVDs
  • 1 Action Workbook
  • Bonus DVD

You can get either the physical or digital version.

If you get the digital version, you can get all the content from your phone.

What’s Next?

Well, we covered a lot of ground.

If you don’t have your vision for your ultimate relationship, that’s a great place to start.

If you don’t have your 3 lists – what you want, what you MUST NOT have, and who you must become – now is a great time to put those together.

If you need a program to help guide you on your journey, then check out Tony Robbin’s Ultimate Relationship Program, as a way to get going and get results.

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