“Without trust, words become the hollow sound of a wooden gong. With trust, words become life itself.” — Anonymous

Is everybody at work on your side?  If not, how can you turn it around?  When people aren’t on your side, they can make your life more difficult.  From dragging their feet when you need their help, to working against you behind  closed doors.  How do you overcome a lack of trust?

In Influence Without Authority (2nd Edition), Allan Cohen and David Bradford write about how to overcome mistrust.

Overview
You start by listening.  Listen to understand.  Don’t listen to attack or defend.  Own your mistakes.  Avoiding responsibility, increases distrust.  Most importantly, find a way to prove your trustworthiness through actions.  This could mean creating a pilot project where you take the first risk.

Summary of Steps
Here’s are the key steps:

• Step 1. Put the issue on the table.
• Step 2. Listen to understand.
• Step 3. Admit and own mistakes.
• Step 4. Ask a lot of questions to understand.
• Step 5. Make a deal that proves worthiness.

Step 1. Put the Cards on the Table
Lay it out on the table.  Bring the issues out in the open where you can deal with them directly. 

Cohen and Bradford write:

“If others do not like or trust you (or your department), work on that directly.  Start by asking what is bothering them and what their concerns would be.  Start by asking what is bothering them and what their concerns would be if you were to collaborate.  Listen carefully to the answer, and don’t let your defensiveness turn off the hearing aid.  Even when they are reluctant to be specific, you can often sense what is being avoided or read between the lines.  If necessary, you can specify what they have done or said that makes you think there is mistrust.  You can refer to awkward silences, phone calls not returned, averted glances, or whatever it is that has made you think that they aren’t fully trustful.  This direct, concrete offer of data can be uncomfortable but edge the colleague toward greater openness.  You are putting the cards on the table, so you are more trustworthy.”

Step 2. Listen to Understand.
Don’t pounce on what you learn.  Instead of listen to attack, listen to learn.  This is where your active listening and empathic listening skills help.  Listening closely helps build trust. 

Cohen and Bradford write:

“The other reason for listening closely is that the process of doing so also builds trust.  Unless you pounce on what you learn and use it to put the colleague at a disadvantage or look bad, listening intently and demonstrating that you understand and are concerned about what is being said are relationship builders.”

Step 3. Admit and Own Mistakes 
Denial will get you nowhere fast.  Own your mistakes.  Admit them.  Vulnerability is a bridge to the other person’s trust. 

Cohen and Bradford write:

“Often people’s attitudes are shaped by past events (real or imagined).  It is helpful to ask about past experiences that are affecting current perceptions.    If you or your department has done something wrong, admit it.  Evading responsibility for your mistakes will reduce the perception of your trustworthiness, and owning up to them makes you more credible.  Besides, vulnerability often creates some reciprocal willingness to be more vulnerable by being open, so it is a way of utilizing reciprocity to make a good exchange.”

Step 4. Ask a Lot of Questions to Understand
Be curious.  Ask questions to genuinely understand. 

Cohen and Bradford write:

“Be sure to ask a lot of questions about the other person’s interests, challenges, and preoccupations; then respond with unfeigned interest.  Few people do not want to be understood, and, again, demonstrating real interest and curiosity helps reduce suspicion.  Furthermore, it is almost always true that when you really understand what the world is like to someone, you will feel more sympathetic, and that is critical to enhancing the relationship.”

Make a Deal that Proves Worthiness
Take the first risk.  Consider a pilot project to prove that you mean what you say. 

Cohen and Bradford write:

“Next, think about the ways to make a deal that proves worthiness, especially where you take the first risk.  Can you offer the equivalent of a free trial, a money-back guarantee, or a pilot project that will not only demonstrate the value of your offering, but also prove that you deliver as you claim?  Can you go out of your way to be accommodating, whether it is literally traveling a long distance, being available at odd hours (e.g. doing a conference call with an Asian colleague at a time convenient to them, not you) or obtaining requested information?  Anything you can do to be more risk than the colleague will help reduce suspicion of you or your department.”

Lessons Learned at Microsoft
One of the most effective techniques I’ve found for rebuilding trust is the jigsaw technique.   Basically, you split up the work across the team where each person contributes a piece of the puzzle to the solution.  This collaboration and interdependency helps people get over prejudices and trust by working towards a common goal.

My Related Posts

• How To Improve Your Crucial Conversations
• 10 Types of Difficult People
• Five Ways to Strengthen a Relationship
• Make It Safe
• Start with Heart
• How To Deal with Hard Bargainers
• Counter-Coalitions

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