“When the heart speaks, the mind finds it indecent to object.” — Milan Kundera
When conversations get tough, it’s easy to fallback to bad patterns including saving face, wanting to win, seeking revenge, and hoping to remain safe.
Skilled people start with heart and stay focused on intentions.
In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler write about starting with heart.
Skilled People Start with Heart
Stay focused on the right motives, no matter what happens.
"Although it’s difficult to describe the specific order of events in an interaction as fluid as a crucial conversation, we do know one thing for certain: Skilled people Start with Heart.
That is, they begin high-risk discussions with the right motives, and they stay focused no matter what happens."
Two Ways to Maintain Focus
Know what you want and refuse the Sucker’s Choices.
"They maintain this focus in two ways. First, they’re steely-eyed smart when it comes to knowing what they want. Despite constant invitations to slip away from their goals, they stick with them.
Second, Skilled people don’t make Sucker’s Choices (either/or choices).
Unlike others who justify their unhealthy behavior by explaining that they had no choice but to fight or take flight, the dialogue smart believe that dialogue, no matter the circumstances, is always an option."
Work On Me First
Remember that the only person you can directly control is yourself. See Work On Me First.
Focus on What You Really Want
When you find yourself moving toward silence or violence, stop and pay attention to your motives. Whether you fall off track in a conversation or you need to prepare for a crucial conversation, stop and ask yourself the following questions:
- What do I really want for myself?
- What do i really want for others?
- What do I really want for the relationship?
- How would I behave if I really wanted these results?
There ar two reasons for asking yourself these questions:
- The answer to what we really want helps you find your bearings and locate your own North Star to guide you.
- You effect your entire physiology. You shift your body from fight or flight mode to problem solving mode.
Refuse the Sucker’s Choice
As you consider what you want, notice when you start talking yourself into a Sucker’s Choice:
- Watch to see if you’re telling yourself that you must choose between peace and honesty, between winning and losing and so on.
- Break free of the Sucker’s Choices by searching for the and.
- Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.
Key Take Aways
Here are my key take aways:
- Use focusing questions to move away from fight or flight mode. I’m a fan of using questions as a technique to change your focus or get into a more resourceful state. It works. If you don’t believe it, ask yourself "How might that be true?"
- Work on me first. You can change yourself faster than you can change someone else.
- Focus on what you want. If you know the outcome you want, you can stay focused on that. You can ask yourself questions like "how’s that going to land" or "am I acting consistent with my intentions or am I having an emotional response?" to stay on track.
- Avoid Sucker’s Choices. Don’t limit yourself to "either / or" choices. Raise your bar and go for the "and" solutions.