How can you improve conflict resolution?  Do you find yourself stuck in conflicts or arguments that go nowhere fast?  You know the ones, where the longer you argue, the more you spiral down.  If you don’t know the secret of conflict resolution, you can literally spend a lifetime butting heads and locking horns.  If you know the secret, then you can recognize situations and quickly get unstuck.

What’s the secret of conflict resolution?  … Shifting tense.   Rather than focus on the past or the present, shift to the future.  The future is choice and opportunity.  In Thank You for Arguing: What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion , Jay Heinrichs writes about resolving conflict more effectively by shifting tense.

Past, Present, Future
The past is about assigning blame.  The present is about values.  The future is about choice:

• Past = Blame
• Present = Values
• Future = Choice

Example of Blame, Values, Future
Heinrichs uses an example to make the point.  Imagine a scenario where a couple is in their living room, reading books and listening to music.  In response to her request, “Can you turn that down a little?” , he can respond with blame, values or choice:

• Blame: You’re the one who set the volume last.
• Values: So that’s what this is about.  You hate my music.
• Choice:  Sure, I’d be happy to.  But is the music too loud, or do you want me to play something else?

Forensic, Demonstrative, and Deliberative
According to Heinrichs, Aristotle thought tenses were so important that he assigned a whole branch of rhetoric to each one:

• Forensic (past-tense) rhetoric threatens punishment.
• Demonstrative (present-tense) rhetoric tends to finish with people bonding or separating.
• Deliberative (future-tense) argument promises a payoff.

The past tense is good for whodunits and for courts of law.  The present tense is good for describing people who meet a community’s ideals or fail to live up to them.  The future is good for making joint decisions.  The future skips right and wrong, good and bad, in favor of expedience.

Switch Tense to the Future
Heinrichs suggest switching tense if you find yourself stuck:

If you find an argument spinning out of control, try switching the tense.  To pin blame on the cheese thief, use the past tense.  To get someone to believe that abortion is a terrible sin, use the present tense.  The future, though, is the best tense for getting peace and quiet in the living room.

I think this is as simple as asking a solution-focused question.  For example, “What’s the solution?” … or “How can we solve this?”

Focus on the Future
Rather than get stuck on right or wrong, or good or bad, you can shift to the future.  Heinrichs writes:

We expect our arguments to accomplish something.  You want a debate to settle an issue, with everyone walking away in agreement – with you.  This is hard to achieve if no one can get beyond who is right or wrong, good or bad.  Why do so many arguments end up in accusation and name-calling? The answer may seem silly, but it’s crucial: most arguments take place in the wrong tense.  Choose the right tense.  If you want your audience to make a choice, focus on the future.  Tenses are so important that Aristotle assigned a whole branch of rhetoric to each one.

To put this in practice, at work rather than ask somebody “why are you late?,” I ask them “how can you show up on time?”   This moves the argument from blame to opportunity.

Control the Issue
Do you want the issue to be about blame, values or choice.  Don’t get stuck in blame game or fighting over values.  The most productive arguments focus on choice.  Heinrichs writes:

Do you want to fix blame?  Define who meets or abuses your common values?  Or get your audience to make a choice?  The most productive arguments use choice as their central issue.  Don’t let a debate swerve heedlessly into values or guilt.  Keep it focused on choices that solve a problem to your audience’s (and your) advantage.

Control the Clock
Use tense as your friend.  To move the ball forward, shift gears to the future.  Heinrichs writes:

Keep your argument in the right tense.  In a debate over choices, make sure it turns to the future.

The point here is that if you are aware of the tense that you’re in, you can shift it deliberately to be more effective.

Key Take Aways
Here’s my key take aways:

• Many arguments that fail take place in the wrong tense.
• Past is blame, present is values, future is choice.
• Focus on the future for more productive arguments.

My Related Posts

• Agree, Build, and Compare
• Overcoming Resistance with Entanglement Strategies
• Framing Compelling Arguments
• Refuse the Sucker’s Choice

When you don’t get what you want, don’t get angry.  Compliment, disarm, and clarify instead.  Rather than focus on your anger, focus on getting what you want.  In Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Revised and Updated , Dr. David D. Burns writes about complimenting, disarming and clarifying over focusing on your anger.

Compliment, Disarm, and Clarify
According to Burns, you should compliment, disarm, and clarify to get what you want:

1. Compliment.  Instead of telling them off, compliment them on what they did right.  It’s an undeniable fact of human nature that few people can resist flattery even if it’s blatantly insincere.  However, since you can find something good about them or their work, you can make your compliment honest. 
2. Disarm.  Disarm them if they argue, by finding a way to agree with them regardless of how absurd their statements are.  This will shut them up and take the wind out of their sails.
3. Clarify.  Clarify your point of view again calmly and firmly.

 
Repeat the above techniques over and over in varying combinations until the other person gives in or you reach an acceptable compromise.

Additional Recommendations
According to Burns, the key is to stay diplomatic and avoid using insults and threats:

Use ultimatums and intimidating threats only as a last resort, and make sure you are ready and willing to follow through when you do.  As a general principle, use diplomacy in expressing your dissatisfaction with his work.  Avoid labeling him in an insulting way or implying he is bad, evil, malignant, etc.  If you decide to tell him about your negative feelings, do so objectively without magnification or an excess of inflammatory language.  For example, “I resent shoddy work when I feel you have the ability to do a good professional job” is far preferable to “You mother —-! Your —- work is an outrage.”

Key Take Aways
Here’s my key take aways:

• Find a way to genuinely compliment.  This helps reduce friction.
• Find a way to agree.  This takes the wind out of thier sails and helps build rapport.
• Clarify and assert what you want. 

I think the key is staying focused on what you want rather than expressing your anger.  Getting angry will escalate emotions and put you in a less resourceful state.

My Related Posts

• Disarming Technique
• How To Improve Your Crucial Conversations
• How To Deal with Criticism