How do you get the people on your side or inspire a vision or change the world? First win the heart. I’m blogging on this because it’s a lesson I’ve learned that shows up in so many ways, time and again. I see it in thought leaders. I see it in people leaders. I see it in everyday, conversational exchange. This is one of those ah-ha’s that when it sinks in, you find opportunities to apply it every day to improve your effectiveness.

One leadership style doesn’t fit all. According to the Situational Leadership II model, the leadership style depends on the development levels within the team. Some people might need more motivation while others need more capability. A quick cutting question to ask is, “do they want to do it?” Another question to ask is, “do they know how to do it?” These two questions can very quickly help you figure out the right approach.

If you coach others or you need to encourage change or if you need to change yourself, the key is to use questions. Lead others to their own insight or your advice may fall on deaf ears. You know the saying, “you can lead the horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” Part of the reason is, asking questions puts people into a more receptive state. When people have their own “ah has” it actually creates an emotional link. This helps the insight stick. The key of course is to ask the right questions.

I’m realizing more and more how stories help you drive a point home. It’s one thing to make a point, it’s another for your story to make the point for you. If your ideas aren’t sticking, or you’re not getting buy in, maybe a compelling story is the answer.
Stories at Work
Crafting useful stories is an art, and, now, apparently a science. Srinath pointed me to Stories at Work on 50Lessons.com. The video shares a story about using stories as a catalyst for change and a recipe …

Why do people resist change, even when it’s for their own good? Well, believe it or not, your own body can actually work against you. The good news is, if you know how your body works, you can make changes easier, or at least know what to expect. David Rock and Jeffrey Schwartz write about two reasons why people resist change, in their article, “The Neuroscience of Leadership”, in strategy+business magazine.

Why do many leadership efforts and organizational change initiatives fail? The state of the art is not the state of the practice. Luckily, there are some new insights that can help shape new management practices. David Rock and Jeffrey Schwartz summarize some counterintuitive conclusions in their article, “The Neuroscience of Leadership”, in strategy+business magazine.

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Given the economic climate and some horror stories I’m hearing, I’m refocusing on some patterns and practices for feeling good.   I think motivation is one of the most crucial skills you need throughout your life.  Even if already have motivation techniques that work for you, this is a set of expert techniques from the book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Revised and Updated , by Dr. David Burns.
Thought PatternsBefore reviewing the motivation techniques, you should be familiar with the following thought patterns:

10 Distorted Thinking …

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I got some relevant training for today’s world.  The training was “Influencing without Authority” and it was based on the book, Influence Without Authority (2nd Edition).   The focus was how to succeed when you don’t have authority and control over execution.  This is a common scenario in cross-team, cross-group scenarios.  At Microsoft, you don’t get rewarded by saying, “…if only I had control over authority and execution … I would be successful.”  
This training is actually useful beyond just the work scenarios.  You can …

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If you need to be persuasive, you need to know this secret.  It’s how people who influence without authority improve their effectiveness.  The secret is … character trumps emotion trumps logic.  If you win the heart, the mind follows.  On the other hand, if you win the mind, the heart doesn’t always follow.  For an example of character, think about the impact of the right people in the room asking the right questions. 
When you know this secret, it all makes sense.  You didn’t need more data …

How do you create compelling arguments for change? How do you convince others to comply with your requests? How do you reduce the perceived costs of action or increase the perceived costs of inaction? In The First 90 Days: Critical Success Strategies for New Leaders at All Levels, Michael Watkins writes about framing compelling arguments.
Key Take AwaysHere’s my key take aways:

Frame your arguments. One approach is to just ask for what you want and see what happens. If the stakes are high, you’ll want to frame a compelling argument.
Know whether …

How do you build an effective support network for getting results? To be an effective leader, you need a combination of technical advisers, cultural interpreters and political counselors.
In The First 90 Days: Critical Success Strategies for New Leaders at All Levels, Michael Watkins writes about how you can build an effective support network.
Key Take AwaysI think this is a particularly important post. Too many people with great ideas, can’t get results because they don’t have an effective network. The other scenario is a great person with a great idea, …

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Who you influence and in what sequence matters. People are heavily influenced by their social networks. Monkey see, monkey do. This can work for or against you. The key is to get the right people on your side. If you’re doing a project proposal or pitching an idea, who you pitch it to and in what sequence matters. You can either stack the deck in your favor and build momentum, or you can fight an uphill battle. In The First 90 Days: Critical Success Strategies for …

In Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), meta-programs are the keys to the way you process information. They’re basically how you form your internal representations and direct your behavior. In Unlimited Power : The New Science Of Personal Achievement, Tony Robbins writes about meta-programs that people use to sort and make sense of the world.
Key Take AwaysI think knowing how people work, helps bridge gaps. Here’s my key take aways:

Use meta-programs to understand yourself and others. Meta-programs helps you understand how people sort and make sense of the world. They also help you …

Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) was founded on a core set of beliefs. NLP was originally used to model excellence, so the beliefs reflect patterns of excellence that show up in people at their best. In Brilliant Nlp: What the Most Successful People Know, Say & Do, David Molden and Pat Hutchinson write about the core beliefs NLP is based on.
Core NLP Beliefs
Molden and Hutchinson write about the beliefs behind NLP:

The map is not the territory.
Respect each other’s maps of the world.
The meaning of your communication is the response …

Richard Bandler and John Grinder modelled Virginia Satir when they created Neuro Linguistic Proramming (NLP.) Satir was a highly effective family therapist. She achieved rapid results by using communication categories to identify behavior: Blaming, Placating, Computing, Distracting and Levelling. In Brilliant Nlp: What the Most Successful People Know, Say & Do, David Molden and Pat Hutchinson write about the Satir communication categories.
Incongruent Behavior
Virginia Satir used the communication categories to help individual family members become aware of their incongruent behavior. Incongruent behavior is when your mind thinks one thing, but your …

Negative, vague language can work for or against you. Whether self-talk or dialogue with others, generalizations we make, details we leave out, or the way we distort through language, influences how we think, feel, and act. You can choose limiting vague language or artfully vague language patterns that are positive and empowering. In Brilliant Nlp: What the Most Successful People Know, Say & Do, David Molden and Pat Hutchinson write about generalization, deletion and distortion as it pertains to Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP.)
Key Take AwaysHere’s my key take aways:

It works. …

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How do you stay in dialogue when you’re angry, scared, or hurt? How do you rethink yourself back into control? How do you take charge of your emotions and gain control of crucial conversations? You learn to exert influence over your own feelings. You can master your emotions by mastering the stories you tell yourself. In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler write about mastering your stories to rethink yourself back into control.
Key Take AwaysHere’s my …

What do you look for when you’re caught in the middle of a crucial conversations? What do you need to see in order to catch problems before they become too sever? It’s helpful to watch for three conditions: the moment a conversation turns crucial, signs that people don’t feel safe (silence or violence) and your own Style Under Stress. In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler write about how to Learn to Look.
Key Take AwaysHere’s my key take …

As you begin to feel unsafe in a conversation, you start down one of two unhealthy paths. You either move to silence (withholding meaning from the pool) or to violence (trying to force meaning in the pool). If you know a few of the common forms of silence and violence, you can see safety problems when they first start to happen. In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler write about six styles we use when we’re under stress, …

What is a crucial conversation? A crucial converations is where the stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong. In Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzer define a crucial conversation.
Key Take AwaysI think mastering crucial conversations is one of the most important skills for life. Here’s my key take aways:

Manage crucial conversations or they will manage you. Crucial conversations are a part of life. You can run but you can’t hide.
Use crucial conversations as a chance to …